Facebook Makes Changes

Huh, this is mildly weird and an eye opener to me about how i am. Kat sent us a message on facebook about how her home life is right now. Saying how her mom and Stew (her uncle) are always fighting and Stew is terrible and the only reason they are there is because her mom can't afford a house on her own and how she says she will move once both Kat and Jake are in college. Home life is terrible etc etc. Responses to the message is that everyone is there for her and that she can come by anytime if she needs to get away and that she does not need that kind of thing right now. I'm reading this thinking...hmmm..who's life is similar to this right now. HMMMMMMMM. Maybe it's my life? Bingo! And guess what? Not a single one of them know about it. I don't need the sympathy anymore. I don't want it. From certain people i don't mind it, but it really is not something i want from them. I don't even know how to respond to the message because I'm like wtf do i say? In all honesty, I'm a hard person. I may seem kind and friendly but in reality I'm hard. I think that's the only reason why i can get through everything and still be sane to some degree. If i get all soft and mushy about everything that goes on i don't think i could handle it. Then again holding everything in doe snot help either because it eventually blows up in my face, but thats also why my friends know nothing of whats going on at my house and in my life. I hold it in and tell no one. Deric knows and Eric knows but really other then that no one does. Katie at work found out one day by accident when we were talking and she looked at me and was like, "Oh...I'm sorry..." she didn't know what to say. I have to brush some things off. It's the only way i know to do things. Talking about everything makes me more upset sometimes. It makes me more angry then i am, holding it in does to though. I'm just confused as to if i give sympathy out right now for people in an sorta similar situation when they don't know about mine. Like for once in my life...i dont know what the hell to do. It seems so damn simple but i just don;t know because i haven't asked for sympathy and help and support. Why give it all to someone else? God i sound mean right now. Know that that is not how I'm meaning to sound. Maybe I'm being realistic maybe I'm being harsh. I don't know. I just realize that I'm not a very open person and that I may be a little more hard then i thought i was. Maybe more of a loner then i realized......

You

I love you so much. I just want to be in your arms and feel warm, cozy, and safe. You mean everything to me.

Falling apart. Stitch by stitch it's slowly happening. Does anyone even notice? Probably not. I act fine when I'm around you all, or as fine as i can be. But I'm stuck here, at this place which i should cherish. But i don't. All it does is hurt. Everywhere hurts. Few places feel safe anymore. Little to none. Losing an already lost battle. Picking up the pieces may not be possible. Something already broken long ago cannot be repaired. Thinking too much. Dreaming as i sleep too much of the things that scare me. Lies i may be told things i think of as alright. Slowly becoming nothing but an empty shell. Oh the secrets i keep. If the world only knew. The things that go on inside, all the words dying to be spoken. All sit for a chance that will never come. Falling farther from what once was. Hoping to never hit the bottom of the chasm.

Yay

I impressed Zizak today. I have SO much homework due today and am so far behind yet i feel like I accomplished something. I think i earned brownie points. Haha. Good feeling.

So Far Behind

Well did what i could of my homework. aka like 4 out of 10 problems. I'm so behind and i want to cry. I guess I'll just stay after today and get help on the questions I don't know how to do. Today is just sucking but at least i feel better. I feel weak but better. I'm just super behind.

I have homework due today and some due tomorrow......but i feel like shit and can't concentrate on it. GAH why does this happen to me

I'm A Mess And I'm Sorry

I don't want to snap at you, I'm sorry that i do. I'm just so stressed and frustrated with the world. I know it isn't an excuse but that's why. I love you so much and i keep fearing that me snapping at you and being stressed and being not relaxed is going to scare you away. I don't want to be so messed up that you leave me. I always fear that I'll be the one to mess everything up and when i get like this i feel like it could happen. It scares me cause losing you would hurt so much. I mean, i had a dream that you had a fiance and it hurt a lot. And that was a dream. Just know no matter how i get that I love you with all my heart. Some days I'll need you to just talk with me or walk with me. Some days I'll need you to hold me down, make me stay, and tell me how much you love me cause I'll need it. Thank you for working with me and helping me. It means a lot and i know you love me and that makes me happy.

Stupid.....

Today is the kinda day where I'm just gonna go work out, hopefully boot camp, and leave there half dead cause its one of those days.

This Day

I got punched yesterday and it hurt. My brother tripped up the steps as i was walking out and he hit me in the chest. I'm mildly frustrated with this online class already. Just cause its with Marczak and i don' like the man. Hoping the semester goes well enough. Gym class today was kinda pointless today. It was like a random hour and then he said see you Thursday. Woot. Working on being healthier. Kinda sorta working. This Criminal Minds episode is interesting. Very dramatic and Aaron is being kinda a dick in it so that's different. Waiting for it to be about noonish to go outside and tan a little.

Ladidadida

Gotta get somethin out before i go into this post. To the person who said this and you know who you are. There are like no pics that i take of myself, i just never really got on the other side of the camera...so what if i am cam whoring a little. Its fun and i like having pics of myself. So there. Hmph.

Tired as poop and i don't know why I'm up. Been up since like 5am and running on low. I am excited for the fact that the Omni will be having beach boot camp. It'll be even harder and more fun and maybe ill get a tan. lol. I bought sunscreen that is spf 8 because laying out with spf 30 on gets you know where. I bought a mini stapler and its all cute and stuff. I also bought a new water bottle which is nice cause sometimes i have none. Then i painted a picture frame and its used to hold my earrings ...it looks cool...but i only have 4 pairs of earrings...which is not enough. Gotta get more.
I figured out my crap for school which is exciting cause i was worried i wouldn't figure anything out and fail the class cause technology isn't my friend....so yay!
I don't know what else to say...hrm......bye i guess

Plain Jane

I'm feeling lonely. I barley have friends in town...the ones that are are busy with work and stuff...I feel like sometimes no one cares and that I'm unimportant and useless. It starting to be summer, its supposed to be a happy time where the suns out and everything is going right. I don't always feel like it is. My dad moved back in and it annoys me. I just don't want to see him that often yet. What happened killed me on the inside and I can't just pretend nothing went on. I'm still upset. Just when i get used to one thing i gotta get used to another. Sometimes i feel like an ugly bag. I look in the mirror and don't see anything really attractive. I don't have perfect features and body, i don't wear makeup that enhances and hides things, I'm just me. Plain old me. I know each person is supposed to be special and unique but i really have a hard time figuring out what that is for me. I'm not amazingly good at one thing or another, I don't really have time for hobbies anymore, i don't have something amazing about my physical appearance, its just me and i dont see beautiful and special out of that. I see plain, normal, boring, etc. 

The Feelings Of Summer

Today was a good day.
-Went to the gym in the morning, did spin and a few other things
-Relaxed
-Went to Deric's
-Relaxed and had fun
-Ate at Pablo's
-Went down to the beach and i got out of the car and it was beautiful outside
-Went home
-Talked on the couch with the windows open, a nice breeze coming in, just enjoying life
-Relaxed
-Went to work
-Home and relaxing

I am in a good mood today and it is enjoyable and outside was wonderful and i want more warm days like that because i love them and i love the feeling that comes with them and i love spending them with Deric.

Yay..........................

Here is a letter to you saying you did not get a scholarship you applied for, good luck, and try for other ones because your just not good enough for this one. Thank you. You made my day SOOOO much better.

Well Ok

Don't feel totally dumb now that i figured out this damn technology problem i was having. Got a few seconds of achievement. Sigh.

Well Fuck

Oh awesome....went from a 4.0 GPA to a 3.7.......................guess who's chances of getting into vet school (I know its early but this is how i gotta think about it) just like disappeared. DEPRESSION.

Blarg.............

I feel queezy and i dont know why. Is it because Im pissed off at Chemistry? Probably. Is it cause i cant figure out technology? Probably. Is it cause I'm frustrated with this house and my family? Probably.
I feel sick and upset. I just want to lounge outside with Deric enjoying the sun and being cute. I want to take a shower with him and just stand there. I want a damn hug. I'm sore as fuck from my workout and i kinda hurt my arm so i gotta lay off it for a little while so no arm workouts for a bit. Cardio can happen, just no weights for a bit.
What the hell....i did something to chrome now its different and i don't understand and i don't like it but idk what i did. I Hate technology..........