What I Have To Say To The World

There really isn't anything that happened recently that this post will pertain to, but its on my mind so I'm going to say it.

You know what world? I may not be the most perfect person, have the best body, or the prettiest hair. I may not have the best skin or the biggest and best boobs, I may not always be the happiest person or the most sane person. I may not always look the best, whether it be i had no time to shower or you think that's so because i don't wear makeup. I may not wear the skimpiest clothes, or the most flattering, or even the cutest or nicest. I may not conform to everything society thinks i need to. I may not have the best grades or the perfect personality, or the prettiest eyes or nicest stomach. I may not flirt with every guy i become friends with or have a new boyfriend every few months. I may not party, or do drugs. I may not excel and one specific thing like a sport or hobby. I may not be considered hot. And i may not act how you want me to when you want me to, or even listen to what you have to say all the time.

But guess what?

None of that really matters. I am me. I will always be me. Forever. I've learned that i need to always stay that way no matter what anyone says. You want me to be something I'm not or look a way that i never can or dress a certain way that i don't like...well then screw you because that will be the end of anything between us. This final year of high school has taught me that i need to stick with who i am because the people that like that you will stick with you too. If they don't then for about them. I am who i am. I have my quirks and i have my faults, but not only that i have my positive and amazing things as well, and whether you think the same or not is up to you. World, this is me, I'm not going to change just because you want me to, if anything happens it will be because I want to. So I may not be perfect, but i am me and i am more than happy with that.

Maybe I Do Know?

Well apparently I'm tense and a bit stressed right now....and honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe its cause its my last week of school ever and its freaking me out and i don't know it. Or maybe its because my dads car just died again so i have no transportation on the most important week ever, that frustrates me a lot. Mainly cause i make plans and they are me driving...which now cant happen because i have no car. I will admit that i try to drive as much as i can right now because of Deric's restriction thing and i don't want him getting into trouble and its best to prevent that if i drive. But now i cant....which just makes me realize how much i need my own dang car. Sigh, that and some other things are bugging me right now that frustrate me, that and a lot of realizations are hitting me, and its tough. Huh, maybe i do know why I'm a bit stressed. I feel like i have been letting it out on Deric a bit and I'm really sorry for that, I don't mean to. I guess i just need a bit of time to relax, but with school and work and us not having the same days off often at all...its just kinda hard for me to do that. I'm doing my best to figure things out and I'm apparently stressing out even when i don't know i am, but I'm doing my best. I really am trying.

Recap Of The Times

I'm almost done! My high school career is over in 6 days. Graduating in 11. Its almost over. I'm excited and scared. But i have great people backing my up through everything so i know i have nothing to worry about. Had our honors convocation and i got my bronze cord. Yay! I'm proud of myself, and i know that other people are proud of me to. I'm pretty sure that Mike is even proud of me and I'm starting to get the feel that hes going to be really sad when i leave, just the way hes been talking to me and all. Gosh, I'm going to miss him. With high school I'm really going to miss theater...as much shit as i got in it over the years and the people i had to put up with, dear lord, I'm gonna miss it. There are so many memories from it both good and bad. Now though I'm in for a whole new set of memories, most definitely good and bad ones. But there will be new people, new schools, new everything really. Ill still have my Deric though, my best friend and my absolutely amazing boyfriend. I love him so much though, I've really learned a lot about myself from him and how people should really be treated and how they should act towards one another. How they should feel about each other. Know what? Ill make a list of the things i have learned from him.
-That i deserve to be treated like a princess
-That i am beautiful and NOTHING needs to change about me
-That i am loved more than anything else in the world
-That communication is a good thing, it fixes everything when done right
-That i love going on adventures and doing things with him
-Listen
-There are always new things to learn about people
-Don't bother with what people say about you, you are you and if it isn't true...screw them. You don't need them in your life.
-We both are amazing people
-That i have never loved someone so much before and i don't ever plan on stopping

There is a lot more to this list but this is what I'm putting on here for now. I've learned a lot from you and because of you Deric, you have really helped me to grow as a person and i continue to grow everyday that I'm with you, you are so wonderful. I love you so much and in 3 months exactly it will have been two years of us being officially together. All i can say is that it has been an amazing time and i cant wait to have many more years with you. I'm going off to college...well not really off....but I'm starting a new chapter of my life soon and i will definitely need you're help in it cause its new to me. Thanks for always supporting me cause that really pushed me and hey, my senior year is the year i had the best grades ever in, i tried my best and i had support for it which helped me to do even better and i made my goals for this year. And even what your brother told me at the beginning of the year i think i made that goal too. Just be myself, make this my year, and go out with a bang. Well it wasn't exactly the bang everyone thinks of but it was my own version of it, but i did that as well this year. I kicked butt i think. Go me! Gloating about myself is kind of weird...not what i normally do. But hey, its almost over, high school is almost done. Good job Kaylee, you did amazing.

SO Needed

Today was more needed than anything. So so needed. I got to spend the entire day after school with Deric. It was amazing. First we cuddled a little bit then we went to the district court office because we needed to drop something off there. Then we went and ate Chinese food, then we went to Home Depot and i bought a yellow and orange...i wanted a red but they didn't have any.....pepper plant and potting soil. I have been wanting to grow my own peppers because i love them so much. But then we went back to my house and we planted them together which was fun, I'm glad Deric likes doing things like that with me. Then we went back to his house and he had told me of an idea of coupons, none of you may understand but i know he does, so we made 7 of them for each other. It was a very cute idea. But then we watched a movie and cuddled. And we talked, and we had much needed talks. All i can say is that I love Deric so much, and i learned that you really do believe in me, and you think that i can do anything that i set my mind to. I also learned other things which we told each other. And everything was just wonderful. And what i said, i meant every word of it. Of everything. I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else every...i mean it. I love you, you truly are so kind and wonderful to me. You are absolutely amazing. I cant even put into words how i feel right now, im feeling a calm, im relaxed, there is a peace in me, today was so needed. I love you Deric, more than anythign in the world.

I Miss You

I miss you...so much. I just want Monday to get here as soon as possible. Then we can hang out all day long and we can cuddle and plant vegetables. I just really want to cuddle and talk to you and kiss you and get kisses from you, you know, the cute little things that you do? When you say amazing things to me that make me feel like the most wonderful, beautiful, and luckiest person on earth. Those things. I want those things. I want you. I miss you. I mean i still see you a lot of the time, I'm not saying i don't. Its just rather short usually, and we never get to have a lot of us time. I want that time, so bad, and i have to wait till Monday to have it. Things lately that I've heard, I've learned, seen, they just make me want to be with you more. I mean, I love you so much, your the most amazing person in the world. I've told you that before but ill say it again because its true. And with my final year in high school getting down to the wire I'm starting to have the realization of the real world, of never seeing these people ever again, of everything really. And I'm scared. Once POPs is over its all over. Everything is done, no more. That hit me hard tonight and i need you more than ever. You know what I'm feeling, you've gone through it. You understand my fright. I just really miss you.

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me

So, I think the lady who does the scheduling at Deric's work somehow magically knows my schedule and hates my gutts so she never schedules Deric to have a day off on the days that i have off as well. Like he hasn't really gotten a lot of Wednesdays off, but he has had a chunk of Tuesday, Thursday, and Sundays off. On the Wednesday i have off he gets Sunday off, a day i work, this week...he gets a fucking Wednesday off.....smack dab in the middle of the days i have off. I don't even have to study for anything anymore, all that stuff is done! SO I'm able to actually spend some time with him when we hang out.....which is like never....like legit hanging out. We may see each other for a few hours or something....but legit hanging out...doesn't happen too often cause I'm in school, and i work, and his scheduling sicks butt. Like normally this just frustrates me a little bit, i mean i have learned that we have pretty opposite schedules, idk why though, but this scheduling thing for next week is just making me livid. Like seriously, I'm fucking pissed off. Out of all the days possible.....you pick the worst fucking day to give him off....i go to school, then i go to work. I can be like, oh hi Deric, nice to see you for a quick minute, but now i have to head to work for the rest of the night...so have fun doing your thing...which you always do because our schedules are like this. This is just....gaaaaahhhhh......frustrated to a level that takes a while for me to get to. I know Deric can do nothing about it, it isn't his decision, but i hate his work a lot when it does this. I never get to spend real quality time with him anymore....i mean, hes working on spending more time with me after i talked to him about a few things and how i was feeling....but even if he is when things like this happen there isn't anything you can do to help the situation or even try to spend time with each other..cause you just cant at all. I hate it, so so much....I normally don't rant about Deric's work or anything like this usually...but this time its just like...really? Seriously? I don't know what to do about it....I'm at a loss for everything really right now.

Workin Out

Guess who needs to start working out again? This girl! I need to be in awesome shape for the summer, and I'm kinda getting a little bit more skin on my middle that i never really had before. No I'm not going to be one of those girls who gains a pound and is like...omg I'm so fat...yeah no. I'm not gonna be like girls who are skinnier than me and dieting either. Nope, I'm just gonna work out, get the extra skin, pudge, whatever the hell it is off and that's that. I just wish i had more time to do that. Cause if i had  a gym membership or anything like that i would be there as much as i could be. Working out at home can be a little awkward when people are around. They tease me about it. But hell I'm gonna do my best so i look awesome. Yup, I've decided that.

The Aftermath

Well, once tomorrow is done my stress level will go way down. Ill still be a little bit though for the fact that I'm graduating soon and all that kinda stuff. Plus ill be waiting for my AP test results in July...which btw, AP Chem did NOT go well, I don't think i passed it at all, If i did, then that's a miracle. Our proctor was terrible, yelled at us, just annoying. I had to bubble in a bunch of answers because we never got a 10 minute warning...it was just your done. I probably am lucky to get a 2 on it. I am upset by it. I just, i really wanted to prove something to myself...i wanted to pass it...and i feel like I'm letting not only myself down, but everyone who believed in me as well. I wanted people to be proud of me, and i wanted to be proud of myself.....and now that wont happen....it'll just be disappointment. I am far from someone who strives for perfection and perfect grades, but i like doing my best and having people be proud of me and i like being able to be proud of myself. Which, at the moment, i am not. Unless by some miracle i got a 3 on it, which if i did i would bust out crying. Now tomorrow is AP Calc, which i feel a lot better about because math is an easier concept to me and i got a solid 3 on the practice so hopefully i don't do too terrible on the real one and get a 2 cause that would make me cry too. I'm just, worried i guess, i have never in my life been this worried about anything in school, i normally never care this much. EVER. But now i am because it counts towards my future which i will make happen no matter what.
On another topic, i talked to Deric about this already, how i had been feeling lately about some things, and I'm slowly learning that when there is a problem, don't feel bad or afraid to say something to the person about it. Just say it and like this one, it'll slowly be fixed. I love him so much, even if i hadn't seen you very often or very long i know i was loved, i had never questioned that. I was just feeling unimportant i guess but you being your amazing self is fixing it the best you can. Thank you, it means the world to me really. And thanks for putting up with my stressed self lately and sticking with me and helping me because i have never been like this before in my life and its as new to you as it is to me. So thank you, that means a lot too.

AP Tests Make Things Impossible

And that would be why i haven't been able to post anything on here recently...I've been way too busy studying! I got a 3 on my practice AP Calc, a solid 3 and that can only go up so I'm happy about that. AP Chem though...not entirely sure yet...i did well on my multiple choice part but not too sure about the free response because i blanked on one of them which i should have known..so i can only hope for a 3 at the minimum. But all this studying has put a lot of stress on me and its just a lot to do. I'm trying to do my best, and i hope i can do that. I haven't been in the bests of moods either because I've just been trying to do so many things. I know i have been cranky and somewhat seeming depressed...I'm not I'm just tired and worried. And I'm sorry to whomever i have been that way to, once these things are done i will feel a lot better hopefully and have a much better mood. All i want to do is relax...have a nice relaxing day where i do absolutly nothing...but that cant hapen till these tests are done. Sigh, all i want is some cuddle time. And i know my moods are effacting everyone because i feel like me and Deric have had a few peddy little spats that if it wasnt for me they wouldnt have happened. I hate it when im like this. And its probably because im tired and stressed,  that i feel like im not as important as some other things at the moment. Its probably just me....but the way things have been the past few days thats how i feel. But the only saving grace i have is that Prom is on Saturday so i can look forward to some good time with friends and Deric and dancing and just having fun. But other then that...wish me luck....i need it.