About That

I hate that I can go from being decently happy to being sad and really annoyed the next. Like really. My day hasn't been amazing either. I opened at work and was the head cashier all day on top of at the desk because Katie called in because she had no power so she didn't feel like coming into work. So i had to figure everything out myself. On top of that i was trying to be helpful earlier and i feel like i just got yelled at for even trying. Now I'm once again sitting in my house on my ass doing nothing but browsing the internet and doing as much homework and studying as my brain can handle at the moment since it is tired from getting up at 5am. I am trying to get ahead in my online classes so i can study as much as possible fro my physics and bio test. I am two weeks ahead in anthro and i can only do the current week in political science which kinda sucks. But i did all my bio homework and all i have left is to print everything but my printers a pain in the ass and wont fucking print. All i want is some damn time. Some physical time where i am not doing any of this crap and i do not have to deal with anyone's crap or attitude because everything will be all happy dory and no one will be pissed off or whatever. No one at work, no one at home, no one in life. Like seriously. Don't give me crap ok. I deal with it everywhere else and i do not need it from you to. So yeah, I am a little annoyed right now and a little pissed.

You And Me

You are the love of my life. Nothing is going to change how i feel about YOU. Yeah i might not like exactly what you do, but because i love YOU, it is something i can deal with. I can live with it, and as long as you keep our deal everything will be ok. Don't feel bad that i have to deal with it because trust me, if i didn't love you i wouldn't. But guess what, I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH!!!!! All i ask is to have full trust in you that you will tell me things, things that i won't like. You have to tell me when you have done/did, are going to, or even thinking of doing something i would not approve of. I know you don't want to disappoint me but the reality of it is is that it disappoints me more when you don't tell me because i want to be able to trust you
100% but when i learn things later on it makes me upset and i lose that trust. So what if i get disappointed for a few hours or something dumb, we talk about it and we move past anything. I love you for you hun. You can tell me ANYTHING. If you are having a problem, you can tell me about it, if you are upset, you can talk to me, if you are worried, you can tell me. Do you see the pattern there? I'm not going to suddenly hate you or something for talking to me about your troubles or telling me something important that i might want to know. You told me that you were afraid that you were going to lose me before with the whole smoking thing and you do not want to do that again because you don't want to lose me. I do not want to lose you either. EVER. I want to be with you always, we just have to work through those bumps and lumps that occur in the road. Right now the bumps are that we need to communicate as much as possible and we do not get to see each other as often as we would like. But you know what? We are doing our best, and once we are able to get place of our own, i think everything will be ok.....we can do this.....and i have so many ideas by the way. I'll be having fun just so you know. I only wish i was able to be done with school now because everyone wants me full time at work right now....Cassie offered me a position as a full time head cashier even yesterday! The only worry i have is that there would be no full time positions open when i can finally do it, but i hope work will work with me.


Sweetheart, we can get through anything. You know i love you more than anything and i know you love me. We just have things to work on that's all.

I don't know what to think anymore.......I'm not sure what i want to do. I'm afraid.

It Falls

I wonder if stores have decent flowers right now. It's getting all cold out so they probably aren't very nice. I want sunflowers. Idk why, but i really love them. It's probably because when i was really young we always had HUGE sunflowers at my old house and those were good times. Sunflowers remind me of happy things. I mean, yeah i like all flowers.....but some i like more than others. When i have a house of my own I'll plant giant sunflowers in the yard and they'll be wonderful.

I'm feeling kinda lonely again. I'm also feeling kinda sad again. I'm not sure why.....eh actually i might know why so that's kinda a lie. I just....I want so many things and none of them are going to happen soon enough. I have so many wishes and wants. I was thinking of even starting a bucket list of places I wanted to go to or things i wanted to do before i died just because some places are important to me that i visit. While i was driving today there was a song on the radio, I don't know what the name was or who it was by, but the tune just reminded me of me being lonely and sad. It wasn't even really a sad song....but the melody was...idk....saddening?

I feel like I'm falling again....

The Future Looks Like It Has A Place For Me

So today at work i went down to self checkout to grab something for Cassie and Alyssa, our HR person, was down there putting a table together and i asked her what it was for. She said it was to get cashiers to take positions as sales associates because there would be a lot less turn over and a lot of cashiers know a lot about the items so it would help the store and the associates. She pointed to how many full time positions we have open right now and looked at me and said its a bummer you are in school right now, there are a lot of full time positions open right now and if you weren't in school and had open availability......She hinted majorly that i would get a position as full time. I told her about my plans after that and how the second i was done with school i would be trying for full time, I told her how bad i wanted it and that i would go to school part time so i could work full time and what not. I know she wanted me full time now, it sucks that i can't because i would have a position right now, like that's how bad they want me...and it feels so fucking good to know that i am that valuable of an associate and that it seems like no matter what i can probably get a full time position without much hassle. I just gotta wait till like the very beginning of may. I mean, i told her that i hoped a full time position at the desk opened back up cause i would take it in a heart beat and she told me that if that happens i would probably be the one to get it. She then told me to tell them the second i was done with school and was available to do full time and i told her i would tell them like a month prior so they knew it was coming.....and open a position.....lol......she said do that. I'm excited cause they want me really badly. I felt really good about myself right then...really really good.

My Days

I'm trying to be super optimistic but i know how life is so I'm kinda not right now. I just really really hope this works out, i really really do.

I'm gonna try and be happier. Lately i was really down and i want to be happy. So I'm gonna try and make that happen, i've been doing good this past weekend so we shall see.

I wish i could put into words some of the things i feel and think but i just can't. Like how much I love you or how you make me feel. Like it's impossible to say because there is just so much to say. So so much <3

Attached Once More

I'm feeling sad again. Very very sad. I didn't even eat dinner. Once again i don't feel good about myself. The feelings of worthlessness and beauty-less. Make them go away.

Recap

When we are able to cuddle every single night and fall asleep in each others arms only to wake up every day to each other.....that'll be a good day. I want that day. I want us to have a place. I want everything for us really. 

I know you care now. I just felt like you didn't for awhile because of how things were going. After our conversation though....I don't think that anymore. If you didn't care you wouldn't talk to me and calm me down and tell me everything was going to be ok.....you wouldn't listen to me and what i have said on here and try to make my wants and wishes a reality. Only someone who loves me and truly cares about me would do that. 

Times have been tough. But we will get through it. We can get through anything. You are with me and that is all that matters in the end. 

I'll probably just eat another sandwich just because i should. I haven't had a real apatite in awhile. I'm more of eating just because i know i should.

I think it came back and i am frightened. I made a mistake. Now I'm paying one hell of a price because of it. My stomach burns.

All I Want

I need something. I don't really know what but whatever it is i need it. I just feel like I never see anyone. Olivia is in town but our schedules are completely opposite. Deric is here but he is still always working. I guess what i possibly would love to have is a day with just us. Where he doesn't work and if i do it is in the morning. I don't know what we would do but if we like went by the beach or went to a big mall and just had fun, and talked about us, and just had a nice romantic stress free day where at the end there would be no questions asked about anything because anything we needed to know we would be damn sure about it. I want that. Right now...I just need you.....