So Much Fear

I am such a mess at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is a torn apart mess as well as my body it feels. Lately when i stop moving and just stand my body is quivering. Not shaking, but everything feels like its moving. Almost feels as though every single muscle in my body is having a spasm, and it's really hard to do things when it feels like that because it makes me feel like I'm gonna fall apart.
After the conversation with Deric yesterday I am one, happy he talked to me but two, fighting myself and what some of my values are. I thought he was only smoking 3-4 a week...turns out it was that a day. I don't know what to do with this information right now. I JUST got ok with it being the 3-4 a week. Now its like a pack a week and WAY FUCKING MORE than i thought and i have to be ok with this. I have to be but dear god i do not want to be. I grew up thinking smoking was bad and not to do it and it was wrong. Now my boyfriend does it, a lot, and i have to be ok with it. My morals and values are going out the door and i don't know what to do. My question after i learned that was how the fuck did you not think that was not smoking enough to tell me about? Like what the fuck.
I am also scared and it's because i am having all these confusing and negative feelings and they are all associated with Deric. Not like him him but him as in what he is doing. Sometimes I feel like that even though i know i love him and i know he loves me that everything is falling apart. I don't know if it because of the stress I am suddenly under or because I am finding things out that i don't want to. I don't know. I feel like that even though everything is now out on the table we are not as close as we used to be. It's probably just me though but I don't know. I guess maybe i need you to talk to me again and i think i want to ask you where you want this to go. I mean, I know what i want for us in the future...I want it so bad....and yet lately i feel like its unattainable. Then again, I've been feeling like a lot of things are unattainable lately, like the career i want and stuff like that. I've been feeling like I am falling behind everyone else. Like, people are getting married, having kids, going to college full time after their associates and getting college payed for. When i talked to Livi i realized that all my friends would be on to bigger and better things before me. Their careers would be in full swing before i ever could even think about mine. And it's all because they do not have to work to go to school like i do. They are getting everything handed to them. I am not. I don't know. I don't want to be left behind.

All i do know is that even though i am so unsure of everything right now....I still love Deric. No matter what i always will. He's the only one i ever see myself being with. When i think of myself being with someone else or him with someone else i wan to vomit. I love him to the point it hurts sometimes and i think that's what this is right now. Loving so much it hurts.

Just talk to me i guess, tell me everything is going to be ok, tell me not to be scared.

I will say though that right now....I feel terrible emotionally and i feel like an ugly piece of shit

My foot hurts. I don't know if I'll be able to do work tonight. It keeps tingling and almost burning and it hurts. It hurts everywhere.

My emotions hurt to. This....this hole keeps getting bigger.....

I'm not going to talk about my emotions anymore......

Everything hurts.....and i don't know how long i can keep it together.

That Big Black Hole You Fall Into

I'm falling deeper and deeper down the well. No motivation, no friends it seems, I am by myself most of the time. I do everything by myself now. Shopping, eating out, doing errands, going to the beach, working out....You know...it's just me in my lonely little world. It would be one thing if idk, people got sick and were puking or had an appointment they forgot about. Something legit as to why they wouldn't hang out with me. Apparently ignoring me is the best way to go....cause that's how everyone seems to do it.....It would be nice if I saw Deric more. I rarely see him as it is and now he seems to work the weekends now to so there goes that. I would love to be able to at least fall asleep with him every night.....that at least would be nice....but that isn't the case. This well gets deeper by the second

Damn People

Welp, no one wants to hang out apparently. Guess I'm not cool or worthy enough for anyone. Kat had texted me, wanted to see me on my birthday, i texted her back....like a week ago....never got a text back. Supposed to hang with Kayla today....she isn't texting me back either. She might later idk but this patter gets old really quick. IF I AM YOUR FRIEND HANG OUT WITH ME DAMMIT. Don't make me feel like a loser ok. I WANT to hang out. I am TRYING to hang out with you. YOU apparently DON'T want to hang out with ME. It makes me sad cause i want to hang out with someone.....

All The Loves

After whats happened, all i need is to know that you love me as much as i love you. I'm a little clingy right now and i need loving. Lots of it. Kinda sucks that we both have to work this weekend and have opposite schedules so that's kinda hard to do. But that's what i need right now. I am so glad we are ok though. Today meant a lot and it was important to me. Just cuddling and talking afterwards was wonderful. Meant more than you know.

The Beginning Of Better Things

This has been one of the hardest weeks i have had in a long time. But you know what, we talked, made solutions, and are ok. I was scared, you were scared. I was angry and i needed a few days to make sense of everything. Today was the day i didn't feel upset, angry, hurt, confused, etc. I felt happy. Last night I realized that letting something like that hurt us wasn't right. Yeah things needed to change after and they have. No lying and more communication is a definite must. And it will happen i think. We both will struggle with it cause well, we aren't the best at it. But we can do it, we don't want to lose each other. I never want to lose you, I love you so much. More than you know. You mean the world to me. We make mistakes, we all learn from them, and we improve ourselves. I love you so much, please know that forever.

I am at a loss. I have many mixed emotions right now. I don't know what to do

Cancel

I'm not angry at you. I am just frustrated and i feel like anyone in my position would be to. And right now as i am doing my homework and listening to dubstep i am becoming sadder and sadder. Like right now, i feel sorta comfy but all in all i feel empty. Like you know those moods where everything is just one big sigh? Kinda that mood. And the way my parents are acting is making me want to cry. I'm supposed to go to bed in like 5 minutes and they want to put a movie on the projector downstairs while I'm supposed to be in bed. I never have a good night when i am supposed to be up at 5 the next morning. Seriously right now though, I am feeling upset and really left out and frustrated. Here's the thing, I am feeling so left out and lonely and i am frustrated by that. When i make plans with people or try to make plans they either cancel or already have plans/work/busy. I only have 2 friends in town! When my other friends are in town they don't understand my work schedule and that pisses me off. Like hey come do this with us and be out late, sorry i can't i have to be up at 5 tomorrow, we wont be out all night, i can't, you're lame. Like why don't you get up at 5am for a full work day and see how much your gonna want to go out all night the next time. Do not give me shit for that kind of thing seriously. You don't get it.

Now my other problem, every time i try to hang out with Kayla she cancels. EVERY TIME. Unless it's when me and Deric go over there to hang with her and Brandon. But every time i have tried to hang out with her it ends up being a no. Like today i was supposed to and it was planned all week. Then i woke up today to a text saying she had to cancel. I know she has a baby to look after but hey maybe i was looking forward to hanging out with someone for a change. Then Livi is in town but we seem to have opposite schedules going on or shes usually busy when she or me wants to hang out. So that never works.

Another thing. Deric has his new job and i am excited and proud of him and for him. All week he has been doing a lot of overtime work so i haven't really seen him cause i have been letting him sleep cause he tells me how exhausted he is so i don't go over to his house. All week i have been sitting on my couch doing homework cause i haven't had anyone to hang out with and I'm letting him sleep. So you know i miss him. Tonight he is doing it again and he was telling me how he was gonna get up early to go with Brandon to AWOL while he gets a tattoo so he can look at designs and what not and hang out. Mind you every time he has had overtime i let him sleep all day cause i know he is tired yet he is perfectly fine getting up early after being exhausted to go hang out with someone else when I have been lonely and bored and frustrated cause I haven't seen him at all. I don't think it's right honestly. It makes me feel like i am unimportant. Like hes just too tired to hang out with me but will wake up for everyone else. Right now i just feel unimportant to everyone. Everyone cancels on me. Everyone is too busy. Everyone is too tired and I am too nice.

I am probably overreacting but fuck it that is how i feel.

Unimportant
Unimportant
Unimportant

Waves

Angry angry angry

Upset upset upset

Sad sad sad

Frustrated Frustrated Frustrated

Pain Pain Pain

Cry Cry Cry

Oh the joys of emotions and those emotions being amplified because it is my period week. But this is how I'm feeling tonight. It sucks. A lot.

Changes?

Well I've been thinking. Wondering if being a vet is really really what i want to do. I think it's more of am i as good as i need to be to be one. Like, are my grades high enough or am i doing as well as i should to be one. As of right now i feel like it isn't enough. I no longer have that 4.0 that i had because of Marczak. I'm not going to let one bad professor ruin my career but i have been thinking of some other career with animals. You know something with zoology. GVSU has a great Biology program but from what i have heard MSU is even better for zoology. But i think that if i go and get a bachelors in biology with some emphasis of some sort, maybe still with the pre-vet one, then I'm gonna hopefully go to MSU. That is waaay in the future though so I don't know.

I am excited for the future though. It is falling into place in a way and i am excited for that. I know what some things are going to happen and possibilities and just....i don't know. I am happy though. I am glad for what is to come.

I have decided that when i am done with MCC i will be going to GVSU part time. I have to in order to pay for it and that way i can also hopefully land a full time position which will insure that bills are paid and nothing is in a crunch. Money won't be so extremely tight. We will have our bills: phone, car insurance, car things in general, rent, food, school. But both being full time....We could do it.

I want to be out of this house though myself......Lilly has started to FREAK THE FUCK OUT a little when her electronics are compromised because she is just so stressed about high school and life in general. She needs to take a chill pill seriously......

I am in a happy place though right now. I am making friends, i am happy with myself, life is going ok, and Deric is still the most wonderful person on the planet. I am happy.