Want

You know what I want......some very loving words, cute kisses and cuddles. Yup, that's what i want.

All Together

I know i have many things i want to say right now...I just, don't know how to say them. Or how to say them so people don't get the wrong idea and think I'm meaning something completly different when I'm not. So i probably won't say them all on here....any really....for that fact. I just, idk, many mixed emotions and strange ones. I don't know where to place them all or even if they all have a place. I know where some belong, but others not. And i just know i have them all. Sigh

How Things Turn Out

So, things did happen and turn out in different ways from my last post, so here they are.

One, Me and Deric's vacation is 100% set now, i watched Kim put in the days and change things, so its a go. I'm super relieved about it, i was going to really bumbed if it didn't work out. But i know for sure that everything is fine and I'm so glad. We need this vacation, heck, we deserve it. From everything we've had to deal with and go through. We deserve it. I know its going to be awesome to, hanging with just him for a week. I'm happy about it.
Two, That car i looked at, yeah, i bought it. With my own dang money to, no help from parents or crap like that that a lot of people get, nope. All me, and I'm pretty darn proud of my little car....I may not seem like it or act like it...but i am. Its a 2000 Toyota Camry, its silver and now has a Legend of Zelda vinyl on the back window. My own car has finally happened, its a good and strange feeling, I'm not used to spending so much on myself like that...i think i went into money shock from it. But hey, now we can travel places and for sure go on our vacation and i don't need rides from everyone anymore and i can go places an not really ask. Yay.
Third, JAFAX was SO disappointing. Like, i honestly was upset by it. They changed the layout of everything this year so they had vendors in rooms and you had to go room to room....imagine a crap ton of people trying to fit into little tiny rooms with little tiny doors all dressed up in weird costumes and stuff....yeah...doesn't work. Plus it was harder to see people dressed up and really appreciate everything. Or even see everything at once so you knew what you wanted to buy. Idk, i was disappointed. Other people may have loved it...but it didn't impress me what so ever.
Fourth, We are still working on a bigger mattress, but its gonna happen soon, it needs to.
Fifth, I need to go to the chiropractor asap because my back is so bad right now. I feel like some old lady or even a pregnant woman the way I'm walking. lol. I cant stand up straight or if i do it feels funny and i look funny. I hate having a bad back....
Sixth, been looking at some stuff, just cause, and I'm finding that things aren't as expensive as i had thought they were and I'm happy about that.
Seventh, I found out that Deric's cousin Dayton, the one who's been in jail etc, got his girlfriend, the one who's been on probation for beating the shit out of people, pregnant. They are both going to be seniors, shes 17 as of right now, and how they both are, that's a terrible environment for a baby. I'm just really wondering whats going to happen with that. I also have odd feelings about it which i wont really say on here, but i think they're odd.
Eight, All of my friends are in either Europe, Greece, or Hawaii right now, so i basically have no contact with them and i don't see them. From this guess what i just realized? This is what its going to be like when they all leave for college...joy. I don't like it, but i have to get over it because i can do nothing about it.

I feel like i have more to say on here, but I'm really tired and i want to go to bed so ill just have to post some more later. Plus i want to get to Deric's earlier tomorrow so we can cuddle and nap. So goodnight to the few who read my blog.

There's A Lot To Do...

So a few things:

One, I'm feeling more like myself again and I'm liking that. Tonight me and Deric had a good talk with one another and it really helped me. I love him to death and he helps me through everything and he puts up with me when I'm a little insane at times. Hes one hell of a great guy. But I'm just glad everything is straightening out. It feels good.
Two, FRUSTRATION. Our vacation week was all set and a go until Deric's manager became a bitch and decided to take 3 of the days away. Now I'm trying to figure out if i can switch days at work for me and everything and I talked to Kim and she said everything was a go and all set....but when i looked at the schedule and everything those days got cancelled so that means no so I'm now confused and have to go into work yet again to talk to her and ask her whats up...shes gonna get annoyed with me....but if i don't get those days switched....like, our vacation isn't really a vacation...and we wont get to go camping. Ill probably cry if this doesn't work out. Just saying.
Third, Looking at a car tomorrow. Hopefully something comes about it and ill have my own car. Nervous about looking at it cause i don't want to feel obligated to say yes or something. I just don't want pressure at all. Eventually i will find my own car though and i will have a car....by our hopeful vacation week is a must or camping cant happen even if all works out. So I'm crossing my fingers....maybe....not really sure....frazzled a bit...
Four, We are looking to get Deric a bigger bed soon....very soon i hope cause he said no more sleep overs till we do, i do see his point though about it cause it is cramped.....but i like sleeping over with him, a lot. I like having someone next to me to cuddle and keep me warm. Hopefully looking on Monday.
Five, Going to JAFAX on Saturday. Kinda a last minute thing cause i just found out when it is but i still like going and i don't work so i feel like why not?
Six, I'm in a good mood right now and I'm not going to let anything bring it down even though things are trying....they will absolutely not succeed.
Seven, Getting another tattoo...in like a month....but still its happening! Well, I'm getting one touched up and the new one is small enough that hes just going to do it then cause the inks out anyways. I'm wondering if i may not even have to pay for it too. But I'm pumped, so yay.

Well that's about it for now, I'm hoping everything works out...i really am.

I Don't Like This

Ugh, i don't like this. I feel like ever since i couldn't sleep right a couple nights ago I'm different. Or at least something is different. I feel like I'm more snarky and awkward and just not my normal self. Idk, its almost like to me time is going by really fast, but in reality it is barely moving at all. And i feel bad for Deric because hes had to put up with me a lot. He keeps saying that I'm really not that bad and its OK, but i don't like being this way towards him or anyone for that matter. I don't like acting the way i am ever. I don't like feeling different. And then again, this may all be just cause its my period week. Who knows, and Deric if you read this, I'm sorry.

I Graduated!

I did it! I graduated! Finally. I have been through soooo much throughout my school career. So much, so many things that i never deserved, so many pointless things at times. But then, they were the best years of my life. I learned to be outgoing, to make friends just like that, I learned so much. So much. Ill never forget a thing. Ill never forget the fun times i had at all the different dances and theater related events. Coffee House, POPs, Allegros, Players, Dance Performances, Fundraisers, Fiddlers, Tree, Orchestra, Festival...all of them. They all have memories, good and bad, but all worth it. Some memories i hate that i have, but i would never trade them for anything else because of what i learned from them. I learned what true friends are and what they should do, I learned that there are psychotic people, I learned how i don't want to be treated, and i learned how to handle anything and everything. I learned how to stay strong, be strong. I learned how to study, how to not procrastinate. I learned that when i put my mind to something, i can do anything. When I'm determined, things happen. I now know so much more about myself then i ever did before. And i thank everyone who helped me to learn this.
There are things i will miss so much though. As i was putting together my picture board for my open house i think things started to hit me. I saw all the pics of me and my friends hanging out and having a great time. We will all be moving away from each other soon...and these times will not be able to repeat themselves. Our hangout times are getting cut short. I will miss everyone when they are gone. And i will NEVER forget any of them. They made my life a better place, a better thing. I am so sorry that i blew them off freshman and sophomore year for someone who turned out to be the biggest ass of my life, I am so sorry for that. I missed out on things that i can never get back form that, but i hope that my junior and senior year could make up for lost time. I appreciate you guys more than i think you all know, in many cases you guys saved me. We've been friends since 5th grade, and we have added to the group since. We added Jaclyn, Claire, and Kat in middle school. Then we lost Erinn come high school, but we gained Wiewiora, Zobl, Craig, Wilkie, and so many others. It honestly hurts when i think about being away from all of you, I'm gonna miss you. One last hora is what we need, the big bang to the end of a chapter. We'll find a way to stick together, i know we will, but it will be hard, it will be.
There is also the reality of theater. I'm going to miss all of you people to! You've been a major part in my life and i have met so many people and have made new friends through you. It was here that my shyness went away and i really became me. This place has my blood sweat and tears, literally. It is a home away from home. I know ill see you guys often and what not, but not like i used to. Tyler, you became a great friend and I'm gonna miss your silly face. Mike, your like a dad, all i can say is that I'm so sad about leaving you and everyone else. Theater is what made me and broke me. It is here that all hell broke loose and where some of the psycho people came from. But it all was a learning experience and it is other experience that will get me through life greatly. All was well worth it. And i will miss doing shows like i used to like crazy.
Then there was an emotion that i found strange, but as it hit me today it made sense. It was a sense of closure. Not like the stuff you need after a break up closure. But it was closure in the sense that there are people i will never have to see again as long as i live. Thank god. The people who are dating people i hate i no longer will see at lunch and in the hallways. The people who made my life hell in the theater or just in general i never have to see again, ever. That lifted my spirits a bit because with seeing those people comes mean emotions and thoughts about them or the people they are associated with. Basically, with me graduated, i never have to think of there sorry faces again. Ever. Nothing will be there to remind me of them. I wont have those thoughts or emotions anymore. The only people ill be seeing are my friends, like legit friends, family, and Deric. All of these people bring on good things, and even Amelia, who brings memories as well...mainly sad ones...is leaving for Colorado at the end of the month, so ill never see her again either. Cause its these people that fuck with my life, and by never having them in my head ever again, they cant do that anymore. It brings a sigh of relief to my mind and heart. Finally, its all over.
So on to the next chapter of my life. The real world as they call it. I'm ready for it. I have a great set of friends, an amazing man, and a great family by my side. I'm ready for anything and i cant wait for things to happen, like in the future, big things can happen now, I'm so ready. Hear that world? I'm ready and waiting...so bring it!

Beauty

Kaylee...you are beautiful, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You might not have the sexy long hair or wear makeup that makes your features pop. You might not have big boobs either. But you are beautiful. You are you beautiful, its a different kind of beauty that only you poses and no one else ever will. They never could. Don't even think that you aren't, because I, your conscious, will come and slap you silly. Why ever think you aren't? Go look in the mirror and see that girl that everyone else sees. Be the cute girl you are, go on. Go and see your beauty.