Not Sure

So, as much as I dislike someone, why is that my brain wants to comfort them, to give them some form of advice...to help them? I want them gone, I want them to hurt, I want them dead, yet i want to comfort them, to give some kind words. Is that just human nature what I'm feeling? Or is it just pure sympathy for the pain of that person. Watching them get hurt over and over, feeling satisfied because of it, because they seem to deserve all their pain and suffering because of who they are and what they have done...yet....sadness is in my emotions for them, pity, just to give a comforting sentence seems so good...but knowing that they want you dead, and I do mean DEAD, seems like that saying anything to them would end badly....even if it was an attempt to be nice. The urge is there most definitely...but saying something kind is also wrong, just for the terror it could cause in the long run. But the satisfactory in their pain and suffering is so great as well. Is it wrong to be happy when others get hurt? I don't necessarily think it's wrong, cause I mean...I think everyone kinda feels this way towards at least one person in their life. So...whats right and wrong in this circumstance? Or are both feelings right? And...why do I feel satisfaction and pity at the same time?

Feeling of Closeness

To know that you are loved unconditionally is the greatest feeling of all. To have someone who wants to be near you, who wants you around, who is sad when they cant see you, and misses you when your gone is such a nice thing. To be told that you are missed greatly and that just to spend time with you they would sacrafice something they really need, it is so heart warming. To be kissed on the forhead, and looked at in the eyes with such a warm gaze makes my heart smile. I'm just...happy happy happy. I have the best guy in the world who loves me like no other and i plan on loving him the same way back. <3 <3 <3

Lost....

So with little to do know with myself now that Deric has a full time job, im kinda lost...I mean, I am starting to really look for a job for myself so ill have something to do instead of being bored out of my mind while stareing blankely at this computer screen/tv screen. I just need to start doing SOMETHING! Cause now that ill barely get to see Deric anymore, which sucks big time, I need to change my schedule and that means getting a job...which i need anyways considering money for anything is tight. But, it's hard, it really is. I mean if i were out of high school, had an apartment, had a good job, had time afterward to see him..that would be cool...but that isnt how it is. I still have like a year and a bit of school left, then its onto a whole new bar of thing..such as college, full time jobs etc. I am just a little frustrated, confused at what to do and with the getting a job fact, and im lot...very very lost. Help.....

Thoughts Of Summer's Past

Kiss him, you know you want to
I know I do, but I can't
Yes you can
No, I can't. I have a boyfriend already
Yeah right. You know thats going to end, you don't love him
Yes I do!
No you don't....
I know...but still
Still what? You don't love him anymore, you love the one standing infront of you!
Shush! I have a boyfriend, he can't know. But...I do love this guy more than anything, and the other will end
So kiss him then
Not yet....not yet...

Valentine's Day: Love vs. Hate?

Valentine's Day. Must say it is a day that one either loves or hates depending on if they are single or not. I personally like Valentine' Day because it is a day specifically ment for couples to show how much they love each other...and whats so wrong about that? I mean, having a great boyfriend makes the day even better, he MADE me, yes with his own two hands, made me chocolate covered strawberries. I made him a card with a letter from my heart and got him chocolates...cause who doesnt like chocolates? But he is such an amazing guy...I got kinda sick later...not going to say just how cause it even frightened me, the one who got sick, but he took care of me and even made me dinner. He even just cuddled with me and let me fall asleep on him...could they guy get any more amazing??? To go from what i was with before him, a guy who really ddnt care about me, or even like Valentine's Day, let alone showing that he loved me, to this amazing guy who shows he loves me all the time no matter what...it just feels more amazing then you could know. I mean, i can understand why people dont like this day if they have alawys had something bad happen on it or they have a crap boyfriend/girlfriend like i did, but i mean, other then being the one loney day for singles every year...its a great holiday with a great purpose.

Giving of the Heart

If I give you my heart, more so then I ever have, please don't break it. There is little that I can say that I haven't already, and no matter what others think it will never change. There are few things in the world that we know are right, many things are uncertain and unclear, but when you feel that in your heart that something is right and ment to be, shouldn't you listen to it? I know that I shouldn't take out of account the similar things like such that have happened and had such a strong feeling such as this. But...is it wrong to say that this is different? Having known you for so long, having had all those trials and tribulations, having you by my side for every one, yet me unknowingly giving you no credit for all you had done. But now having you there for sure, being able to have the warm arms that once were only a hug which now are a loving embrace be there whenever they are needed, it feels right, how things like this are supposed to feel. So, I am giving you my heart, please keep it save and take good care of it.

Mr. Brightside

This song got me thinking about my life and how it applies to it. Its a song about a guy who wants to be with a girl, but she is taken by someone else and he's jealous. He sees them doing things he wishes he could, but he cant and it kills him inside.
How much this relates to my life...a lot i must say. It helps me to understand excatly what Deric had to go through with me. He saw so much of me and my ex, he knew what went on because i told him because he was that best friend whom i could tell anything to, and what an idiot i am for it. How much i killed him on the inside for those two years i will never know, but i do understand and as i ponder everything, it almost seems to kill me for finally realizing what i put him through.
He loved me from the beginning and never stopped. Even when it was times when he shouldnt have loved me for obvious reasons, all he continued to want was me. He stayed close to me so that even if he wasnt my boyfriend he would still be as close as he could be to me. He became my best friend and brother, he was the one who i went to with EVERYTHING..and i do mean everything. What a retard i was. Some things i told him and got advice for killed him, they really did. What i never knew all those years was the fact that i had someone who loved me to death and never stopped.
When i started having trouble with my ex i went to Deric for help, i hung out with him all summer long because i loved hanging out with him. He was funner and in a way better then my ex. And i started to love him. But me being me, i still tried to hold onto the ex, just hoping. I wasted so much time when i could have been with the best person in the world and never had all the things happened happen.
I could have NOT had ungodly amounts of stress, i could have gotten closer to my friends rather then grow apart, i could have done things on my own time and not by the force that they happened, i could have never made the mistakes that i made and the foolish choices. I could have enjoyed my life rather then waste two years of it. I could have not realized junior year that i wasted freshman and sophmore year. I could have done so much more and so much better but i didnt and im paying for it.
Luckily though, i was blessed to have a guy who wasnt afraid to tell me he liked me even when he shouldnt have, a guy who became my best friend and a guy who i know basically everything about so there are no secrets and horrible suprises, i have a guy who loves me and has no plans on stopping, i have a guy who i definetly can see myself being with way down the road, if he were to ask that one little question later on...hes the guy i would say yes to.
The fact that he still loved me after all i had put him through blows my mind...there was so much that i did that i shouldnt be loved for. But in his eyes im perfect..exactly what he wants. To hear this is amazing, to go from someone who kept telling you over and over again the things that werent prefect to someone like this...its amazing.
I just love Deric to the full compassidy that my heart has...and even then it goes beyond. I have something that i never thought in a MILLION years i would have. I have a guy who loves me with all his heart and all i want to do is give that same amount of love right back.

What the future holds

The future, what is it holding? We all have no idea and i think that is what scares us the most. We dont know if what we do today will affect us tomorror, or even ten years from then. We dont know if the boy we are with now, or the job we have currently, or the house we own will last. We dont, and it frightens even me. What ifs fill all our heads with screaming wonders and wrenched doubts. All we can do is live day by day and hope for the best. Its what i do, or atleast have started to do. The future to me seems bleak in some aspects, and full of great things in others. I have no idea how im going to get by later on in life, but who knows...maybe something greater then i can even think of is in store for me.

An Old Poem Written Long Ago

Thunder

The sound of thunder grips my fear
I'm stunned to silence and i can only tear
A sudden stop affects the heart
To the point where it is ripped apart
The sandy shores begin to crumble
Leaving us to only mumble
Its voice dies in the haunting silence
Leading to depression and ever growing violence
It's something so easy to keep away
Yet it never seems to go our way
We fight and yell
Then all goes hell
But as the pain is ever gained
The love is never ever strained
The days fly by in a blurry many
Some are as sweet as honey
Yet others are a complete mess
Ending in more uncontrollable stress
But through it all the love is gained
And hopefully it will always remain
And never ever get renamed.

What a day can hold

A day, 24 hours. But it definetly holds much more to us then that. I mean for a recent day of mine, more like a week or so now, things have been going from great to like complete poo. Me and others found out that a certain somsone was cmoing back to Michigan, and i must say thi could end really badly. You see, me and this certain someone just dont get along, well, we did for a time, but certainly not now. That would be after what happened between her ex boyfriend who is my now boyfriend. She just flipped out when we started dating, and having no reason to because for her he was like 4 exs ago...but long story short all HELL broke loose. But then she went to a mental hopital place or something then moved to Colorado. But now shes back. So in a day it went from not having to worry about her...to suddenly freaking out cause a crazy psycho who hates me and my boyfriends guts is back. So life definetly has a lot in store for those 24 hour periods.