I'm Awesome

You know what? I am fucking proud of who i am. Why the heck do i get jealous of other people, why do i even care? OK they have cute clothes, OK they have great hair, OK they have big boobs. What of it though? I'm not like any of them, and that's a good thing, because I'm so much better then them all. In so many ways. For one, I have a great body, some people tell me I'm anorexic and too skinny but the truth is I'm perfectly fine. I try to stay in shape, i eat right, i exercise. I'm sorry you don't eat right and don't ever work out and are chubby, I like looking good. I'm smart. I think i have all A's in my classes right now...not sure in math at the moment but i think its an A or a high B. I see all these kids dropping classes, never going to class, failing and I'm like why even come to school if your just gonna do shitty anyways? I think the people who do that are stupid. They like their party life, do whatever i want life, procrastination life so much more then a better life in the future. I don't do drugs or get drunk off my ass, plus i don't get caught and arrested for having drugs on me. You have no idea how many of the pot heads are getting busted for possession right now...its all i hear about and i laugh to myself because they are all idiots. I have a great and loving and lasting and trusting relationship with an amazing man. You know how many people don't have that? I shit ton. I'm not cheating on my boyfriend and he isn't cheating on me. We don't get into yelling matches with each other or get just pissed off at one another over really stupid stuff. He always tries to make me happy and i him. We don't blow each other off. We don't lie to one another. I have job, one that i don't mind at all and i like the people i work with. People bitch about work a lot at school and i'm like well that sucks for you. You hear all this crap in the student union...you have no idea how easy it is to listen to others conversations there....I'm not a whore, i never was a whore, i never will be a whore. I have only ever slept with my boyfriends. No one else, i can't say the same for some people though. Some peoples record is disturbing. I am me and i am amazing, there is no need to get jealous over others when I'm this awesome to begin with.

I just realized i'm almost ranting about how awesome i am....I'm having an all about me moment.

A Little Of This, A Little That

Well, Tree week has come again...only this time I'm not in it. It's weird because i do miss it. So instead i watched it on Tuesday and on Thursday i sat with my mom and legitally watched it. First time I've really watched tree. Though, tree always makes me sad and I'm not sure why. It's a weird mixed feeling and its almost like i have some repressed memories of tree that are very very bad. But i don't. At least i cant remember when tree was terrible....its just usually cold. It makes me want cuddles from Deric. I miss the time with theater people, although...it was kinda odd with the whole Kaylee thing. I felt weird. Plus there are people there that i just don't care to be around which makes it less fun to be there. But it over all is missed a lot. Earlier me and Deric went to the Festival of Trees which was cool cause i missed it last year so i got to go this year. I like doing things like that with him, it's exciting. I love him so much. He makes my life not boring and enjoyable and hes the most amazing person ever.

Another Time I Guess

Well....here i am again. By myself because not one of my friends tries to schedule something that will fit into my schedule. No one else works...they just go to their big universities and go to class, party, and chill with the new friends they make. Yeah they may work on campus...a whole maybe 10 hours a week where they can do all their homework and stuff....but that really doesn't count as work, at least to me it isn't. Work is what i do, i work 4-5 times a week, 30 hours a week, i can't do my homework, i can study cause i devised a way to do that, and it isn't always fun or easy. Aka today, wake up at 3:30 am for Black Friday, what do my friends do? Go shopping. I get outta work at 1:30, then about have a break down because i am just exhausted and containing my emotions in that state doesn't normally go well, so i go over to Deric's for an hour and a half so i can calm down and deal with the world again. I would have been a wreck if i had gone to hang with anyone....even now I'm tired, just not getting over emotional. So then i text my friends at 3:30 and ask where they are at cause they said they would be hanging out all day and i want to see them before they start their sleepover which I'm not heading to cause I'm exhausted and i gotta wake up at 5 am tomorrow and work another full shift. Guess what, they stopped hanging out till the sleepover cause some people had things they needed to do, like haircuts and stuff. So....I don't get to see my friends. Again. I don't think they understand what working with someones schedule means, probably cause none of them have worked like i have. So, I'm kinda bumbed again, disappointed, but altogether accepting.
I'm glad Deric's ok with comforting me. He just holds me and makes me feel better, and some days that is all i need. He makes me feel loved, and hes never turned me down with hanging out and always tries for me. Hes amazing. Thank you Deric, I love you.

Bursting

I'm getting overwhelmed. The thing is...there is nothing i can really do about it. I HAVE to keep going. I have to go to school, I'm not going to work less because i need the money, I wont cut out my time with my man because that is to precious to me. He keeps me sane. I just need a place to come home to where there are no people who bug me, no chaos, i need a relaxing environment. I need to keep up on my studies, tell myself i can do anything and keep chugging along. I'm doing this for me, my future, my families future...the future one i don't have yet....I gotta keep going. But it is so hard, so hard. I just wan to quit, say fuck it and be done. I wish i could call in to work, but i close most days and i wont screw people over. I just pray i don't lose it.
Plus being stressed makes me feel bad about myself cause it makes me feel like i cant do anything when i know i can, like a bit ago i felt like i had no true talent, like there wasn't one thing i was good at that people would know of. I can't draw amazingly well, i can't sing for shit, i don't stand out, I'm like that average girl with an average life. But i know I'm not.
I wish i had friends i could hang with when i needed. Cause i need them so bad...they are coming in for Thanksgiving weekend, but so far it doesn't seem like they are working with my schedule. I cant stay out late cause i work in the morning and since i work in the morning i cant join them for morning shopping etc. Which they will go on then ill be left out. Then ill try to get together with them....and it wont happen. I will admit that i am jealous of Deric, he goes to his buddies house all the time, has fun, has friends.
Deric is my rock in all of this, i don't know what i would do with out him helping me. I hope he feels the same way about me. I love him so much, we even started cooking dinners with each other, its really nice and even though we've only done 1 dinner, i think well do many more and it'll be out time.

The Love

Thank you for loving me, thank you so so much. Thank you for just cuddling with me, for talking to me, for enjoying being with me, for helping me cook and enjoying the meals i make for you, for believing in me and being proud of me, for being there for me when i don't feel like i can go on, for doing your best to make sure I'm happy. Just thank you for loving me like you do, i never could have imagined someone would love me like you do. And the fact that I love you just as much makes it even more amazing. You make me smile and laugh, you make me ambitious, driven, you make me feel wonderful about myself, you make everything seem right when the world seems wrong. Thank you so much hun, I love you so much.

My Weekend

There is lots to talk about here right now since i haven't been able to really write on here recently. To start off, Deric really helped me out on my off week. I'm glad he helps me out as much as he does. It's a wonderful feeling.
Then this weekend i went to Ferris to see Legally Blonde and to spend the night with Livi. Staying the night was a terrible mistake. We went to a party at her roommate's sister's house with all her theater people. It was just full of drinking and smoking weed. We were up till 4 am waiting for her roommate to feel thoroughly  drunk and clean up the house cause her sister got sick. I knew no one and it was not fun at all. The morning wasn't terrible because we had a cool lunch. My drive home was the funnest part. I went through swamp farm land and saw sheep and goats and a deer farm.
Then today was a good day in general. I love Deric very much, so so much.