Work Work Work

Well that kinda sucks, I work ALL day Valentine's Day. Not that we had anything planned yet or anything...but still, it sucks. I guess there will have to be a make up Valentine's day or something like that. But that week i am working 22 hours, yeah....getting hours is sweet cause that means my paycheck will be lovely. That saturday i work all day basically as well, should prove to be an interesting week because all of my weekends are gone now, im stuck working and i cant ever do anything anymore. But i mean, thats what a job does and is. I am ok with it, but it still sucks at times like this.

Emptyish

I don't know if its because of my period week/hormones, or if its because of how i have been feeling about home lately, but suddenly i feel empty. Or just sad. I don't like to be home terribly often lately without some distraction or happiness with me, and i had my happiness earlier and everything was fine, i felt good. But, then that left for the night and i wont get to see him much the rest of the week till next Monday because ill be working all weekend and him the same. But since hes gone now, I feel kinda empty, kinda sucks. I think this week should just be over, Ill feel better then.

Mixed

I don't know where to go with this post, what am i supposed to say? Tell the world all the feelings that are rushing through me right now? Tell them about how I'm pissed, sad, upset, angry, confused, frustrated.....virtually numb. I don't think i can though because there is so much going on inside me. All i want is a giant hug right now, one that lasts a long long time and someone just holding me and telling me nice things because all i have been hearing lately at my house are bad things. That's what i want right now, but instead I'm laying here alone in the dark. I wish i could graduate soon so that my brain could at least have one less stress off of it for at least a little while. I just need to relax and take a deep breath. I will get through this, i am strong.

My Rambling About Nothing In Particular

I don't really know if this post ha any sort of point to it really, i think its more of me just kinda talking and in a sense rambling. So, here goes.
Just finished the first Hunger Games book, and holy crap its so good. I mean, like amazingly good and i like to read and i haven't read a decently good book in ages. Kinda addicted to them now and Livi is giving me the second book on Monday and i cant wait to start reading it. Cant wait to see the movie either, gonna be awesome!!!
Work was interesting today because for one my morning was hectic because we didn't have power so i got up later than i wanted, then i had no hair dryer so i went to work with a wet head, then i got hit on by customers. Mind you i work at a guys store basically...and i was told to be aware that this would happen, a lot. Kinda interesting though. Then my coworkers kept asking me if i had kids and if i was married or engaged. That was interesting to cause i never did get the chance to say that i was still in high school so no. None of that till i graduate.
I kinda have built a wall between my dad and myself right now, because i don't want to get emotional over anything and i don't want to be affected by anything so I'm keeping my distance. Kinda with my mom too because even if she has no idea...i don't want to slip and say something.
An old friend of mine posted on my wall on facebook and said i needed to come and hang out with her. She moved into an apartment near my house with her boyfriend and my ex best friend who is going to drop out of school soon cause she barely comes to school even though she lives just down the road and shes just plain stupid. Why go through years of school...then drop out with only 4 months to go? How dumb can you be? Plus shes one big fat whore now, and trying to get fired from her job so i see her life ending miserably and honestly she deserves some of it. Anyways, this friend of mine wants me to hang with her, i saw the message, and was like, NOOOOOOOOOO, hahaha....noooooo. I'm totally done with you, that crowd, everything. If you ask, ill be nice about it for your sake, but noooooo. Sorry, not happening. The last time i was around them it was like the most awkward thing of my life and i will never set foot in that apartment. Ever.
Well that's all i got, so yeah, my life right now.

I Dont Understand Anymore

I honestly have no clue why have faith in humanity anymore....that or why i keep believing peoples bullshit lies. Its happening AGAIN. My whole mom and dad thing. But I'm guessing like the last few times, my mom was unaware of it all, as she is now. My last post is about how they were having a big argument about a loan thing my dad took out of his 401k, well I'm guessing for him that was a last straw type thing again because he asked me the question again. Or at least gave me a few options to think about. One is to go live with him someplace and not have to worry about getting yelled at or being stressed out and i can come and go as i please, and the other is if that is so...and I'm thinking now to but I'm unsure...is that he will buy me a good car and pay part of the insurance on it and the repairs for it when it would need them. As hes telling me these things i am biting my lip so hard and just screaming no not again in my head and trying to to cry. I cant do this right now, i cant. I cant be thinking about what if my parents get a divorce and who would i live with etc. I cant make that decision because if i chose to live with him it would kill my mother and as much as she annoys me and i want to kill her sometimes i cant do that to her. But then i cant say i live with my mom because that would kill my dad...which i also cant do. If it were to happen....i honestly would probably move in with someone who wasn't either of them because i cant choose between them. But now i have this knowledge in my head again about what my dad is really thinking and i know that my mother doesn't know anything about it.....but i cant tell her. It just gets to sit in my head and eat me alive. But guess what...I'm trying to do well in school and graduate with a good grade and GPA...trying for a bronze cord actually...and I'm trying to balance this job and excel in it.....and now i have to try and deal with this. Again. The last time was supposed to be THE LAST TIME. That was a complete and utter lie. And i know that I'm not supposed to think this, but this time, i feel as though it is somewhat my fault because this dumb loan was for me.....so because of me and my need for a car....this is all happening again. I know i shouldn't think this, i know ill get crap from people for thinking it because it definitely is not my fault, but i cant help it. I'm starting to feel numb again.
I am so thankful that i have Deric, he is the only one who helps me through this stuff. I know that i can always count on him and that he wont hurt me like this. Today with him was so nice, it was wonderful. I let him sleep for awhile because i had a half day and i got there early. Then we cuddled and talked and he just kept saying "I love you" and "I love you so much." Those words are some of the most amazing to hear and it made me so happy. I am so thankful for him and everything that he does for me and the way he treats me. I love him more than anything in the world.

WHYYYYYY!?!?!?!?

God fucking dammit, why does this always seem to happen to me. WHY??? So my dad took out a loan thing from his 401k to apparently buy me a car. Thing is, he never told my mom about it, she just learned about it and doesn't know that i know about it. Her and my dad were having a huge argument earlier today about it, my mom no longer trusts my dad, and she told him he can do all the bills now if hes going to do stuff like that. She doesn't know that i know about it and wont tell anyone what the problem is and all shes saying is that my dad did something with the finances and that she doesn't know if there are consequences with it and shes just balling non stop. Why the fuck do i always have to be in the middle of this crap even when i never even did anything. I feel like total shit because i know whats wrong, and i have mixed feelings about it, but its in a sense my fault. That and i hate these things happening because then my mom gets in a horrible mood and my sister has been terrible lately then all they do is scream and yell at each other. I want to just kinda fall off the face of the earth for a little bit, get away from everything and everyone...well, except for a few people....and just relax and not feel terrible about anything. I just want my back pain to go away as well because its stating to hurt so bad, right now its almost unbearable. My feet hurt too from working a long time today. I just, i wish i didn't have to deal with things like this.

Rare

This is a rarity, I have so much to say, so much that i wanted to say before but i was too tired last night to type it all out. But, I don't think I'm going to put it on here. I actually feel like for once, it'll be something ill say later, cause trust me i will and i know when i will, but until then, nope, its going to stay in my brain until that time.
On another note though, I got my first paycheck from work the other day. My first decent paycheck. Checks from Frostys were honest to god crap. I think the most i ever made on a check there was like 84 bucks. The rest were basically in the 30 range. Total crap. But i was very happy about this one, i cant wait until i get my next tattoo, probably going to be in February, but i want it really really bad. When i go with Deric when he goes to get his I'm going to schedule mine. Gonna be sweet!! I must say also, i am doing very well with all aspects of my New Year's resolution. I am very proud of myself and happy because it makes my life a million times better. Schools aright, not to difficult but not too easy. Classes are about the same. Finally got Carmina Burana in orchestra though! LOVE that song. Deric's been a sweet heart as always, I love just cuddling and talking to him, always makes my day 100 times better. Life's been decent as of right now and i am perfectly fine with that.

A Little Suprise Is Always Good

If only i could put the texts on here that i got from Deric last night, but I'm not going to for the fact that it is a little much on the more information than any of you out there need to know level. We hadn't been able to see each other in awhile or do anything, so you kinda get the idea. But the texts i got really showed me how much i am perfect in Deric's eyes. He loves, and i must say absolutely loves my body and everything about it according to the texts. He loves my beautiful bare body according to a text, that one just made my heart smile cause that meant way more than i think he even knew. Also, as one of my resolutions for the new year was to be less self conscious about my boobs, Deric is making it very easy for me to keep this. Lately he has been talking about how amazing they are and how much he loves them. He told me that he loved me a lot too in the texts. It really made me feel wonderful and i was more than happy to help him out after school today with his needs. He makes me feel amazing no matter what and I love him more than anything. After everything we cuddled for a small bit before he had to go to work and just kept saying I love you to each other. I really do miss him when i don't get to see him for periods like that.

Happy....Yet Concerned

Yay, I get to see Deric tomorrow. Excited. Probably the best note I have at the moment. Backs still hurting, need to get into the chiropractor asap....but i don't have any time for it because i work and go to school. Which sucks...gonna have to see if he'll go into work on a day he normally doesn't cause otherwise i don't know if ill be able to go any time soon. Plus now my mom has me worrying a little bit now. You see, yesterday night i noticed this gross zit thingy on my lower back.....really gross and i hate the fact that it is there because it is so very far from attractive. Its still there tonight after Deric took a needle to it, but that's understandable because things like that take  day or more to go away. But my mom sees it today, and mind you she saw it yesterday and thought it was a zit, now tonight shes freaking me out thinking its the skin thing that Forrest had and gave to my Aunt and Maddie. So, basically now I'm freaking out a bit because the meds they were on were the same ones i had been on but i stopped taking them for a bit, back on them hard core now mind you just in case, and I'm kinda freaked that it may be that skin disease thing. Cause if it is......I absolutely can not give it to Deric, he cant go to work with something like that. But gah.........I'm kinda really worried about this. I can only ray that it isn't that and all it is is an infected zit. Gotta keep my hopes up a bit here, cause even Deric said it was a zit...so I'm hoping.

Frustrated Up The Wazoo

At the moment, life has been rather annoying and its getting to the point where i could punch a baby...which anyone who knows me knows i couldn't do that....so yeah its bad. For one, I'm getting kinda annoyed with people just assuming i can do things for them or do things that they would like me to do whenever they feel i should do them, or tell me about something they want me to be able to start doing and have it assume that my schedule is just perfectly open and that i have no life. On the contrary i have a life, a very hectic one, and a very busy one at that. I mean, I'm honestly trying to just find time to do things i still enjoy. Aka having a social life outside of school. See, my aunt gave me a ride home from work today and told me about my cousin who is going through some stuff right now and apparently she wants to spend more time with me which i am totally cool with...but the way she put the question out there was not how it should have been. It was that Maddie needs to not spend a ton of time with her boyfriend because hes being a jerk and if he is going to be sticking around he has to ply by Maddie's rules now. Maddie needs to keep busy so that means shes going to be at our house more often and hanging with me more often according to my aunt. I HAVE A LIFE....no offense to Maddie but i have things i want to do to. I have a boyfriend who i like o see and it is good for me to see and i barely get to see and I'm not going to put that slot of time in for someone else. The way my aunt put it it was more of a demand then a question. Not too happy about it. Secondly, I am getting so annoyed with Jeroudi, i honestly just hate orchestra now. I could care less now how I'm sitting or if I'm perfectly in tune and all that crap. I just want to be done with his class so that i never have to see him again. He keeps adding new stuff to the calendar and expecting me to take loads of time off work to do them. I cant do that so guess what? I'm probably going to end up with like a C in orchestra...yeah fuck my life and screw him. That and my back has been hurting really bad for a few days now and that just gets me even more frustrated at times cause i just want the pain to go away. Gah........

Gonna Shoot People In The Face..........

Oh my lord i am gonna lose it. I hate my house. The one day, the ONE freakin day that i have to relax because i am not working is the day when no one gets along and everyone screams at everyone for hours on end. I try to do my own homework, relax, just kinda chill and sit for a bit because i know that tomorrow and Thursday i cant do it because i work. But no, my mom is screaming her damn lungs out at Lilly, Lilly and Cameron are going back and forth, Cameron is being an ass and purposefully doing things to tick people off because when he is bored its his favorite things to do, and i get to listen in on it and sometimes yell at them back because i get yelled at for doing who knows what. I wouldn't spend a whole entire hour tutoring Lilly in math because we finished before that and i have a life too, but that was unacceptable and i got bitched out for it. I just HATE this freaking house. Why cant it be quiet, a nice place to do my work, calm, peaceful, why cant it be??? Why is it that all people can do here is scream until they cant anymore? My mom complains that I'm never home sometimes, but can you really wonder why? I hate being home, i hate the kind of environment that it is because it stresses me out. And i don't really have the choice of leaving because i don't have a car yet (hopefully soon though since i have a good paying job now) and its dark out and winter so i cant really go far. I just, i wish i could be in a better environment. Gah...i cant even think straight to type this out because all i can do is hear people yell and its hard to process what I'm trying to type.

To the conversation that we were having yesterday Deric, the one where you said i was more clingy than usual lately....not bad clingy mind people reading this....and you said that it had to be for one reason because the other two reasons were not it for sure, which is very true, the answer i gave you was part of it....but as i was thinking today i came up to the better source of the worrying. I am concerned about how i am going to balance school, my job, and my social life....which is where the answer i gave you comes in. I really don't know how i am going to do it because after school i go to work usually, then i would get home at either 8 or 9 then do my own homework then go to bed. That leaves like no time for me to hang out with friends or you and that's why i was concerned as where i would get time with you in. Then it seems like on the days i am not working i still am...aka tutoring Lilly or possibly doing something at the school..that or i am at home stressing out because everyone is screaming. I am just frustrated and yes im worrying about things.

You Are Amazing

Well I must say that i was a little speechless when i got off the phone with you tonight, everything you were saying just made me so happy and reassured and it all made sense. I can tell you that it is because you are like that that i love you so so much. I know that i have no reason to have the insecurities that i do, well i mean i have a reason, but that shouldn't matter at all because you are dating me for me, you are with me because you love ME, and you everything about me just the way it is. You aren't going anywhere either so why should i need to have these insecurities? The answer is that i don't need them. You make me feel so loved and wonderful and amazing. Thank you so much for everything. And the way you ended our conversation, i almost couldn't get my own words out because it made me so happy. I love you Deric.
Now i must go to bed though cause i work in the early morning. So I'm going to bed with a sleepy mind and a happy heart.

3 Words

So, I was listening to this guy yesterday and he asked a question that got me thinking. "What are the first three words that come into your mind when you hear their name." I started thinking about this and i really liked the question so I'm going to answer it on here.

What are 3 words that first come into my mind when i think about/hear Deric's name.

1. His Smile - His smiling face pops into my head cause he has the best smile ever. It is kind, warm, contagious, and big. Everything a wonderful smile should be. When he smiles his whole face smiles. Even if its just a small smile you can see it in his eyes. You can always see his smiles in his eyes. It is very comforting and warm.

2. Kindred Spirit - Deric is a very kind person who is always making sure that i am ok and happy. He always makes sure that he knows what is wrong if he knows or can tell that i am upset. He always has helped me, even before we were dating. When i needed someone most he was always there, he stopped me from throwing my life away, and i my eyes a very strong, warm, kind person.

3. Warmth - He is an extremely warm person, both physically and peronality wise. Whenever i am cold he always warms me up and makes sure that i stay warm. His hugs to are wonderful because they are warm, comforting, and loving. Plus he is always kind to me so his personality is very warm.

If you had 3 words, what would they be?

Lifehouse

I have Hanging By A Moment stuck in my head....for all of you who don't know, its a song by Lifehouse. An amazing song at that. It's me and Deric's song. A can recite a bit of it, "I'm falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I've held on to, standing here until you make me move, I'm falling even more in love with you." Give or take a few words. Great song though. It has only been a day, cause I haven't been able to talk to Deric today for his lack of phone and my first day of work and his work as well, and crap I miss him a lot....is that sad? Probably not cause cause when you love someone that much not talking to them for a day is a big deal. At least to me it is cause I love hearing his voice if i can't at least see him that day. I knew getting a job would be like this, and i am happy for my job, but it kinda sucks at the same time. Speaking of my job I had my first day of work, not like i was really working though. Sat for 4 hours on a computer doing training courses...and i am only 20% of the way through. Poo on me. But hey, 16 hours this week and i got my schedule for next week and i work 18 hours next week so sweet!! I'm making money. Sucks though that i am working on Monday cause i am sleeping over at Deric's Sunday and i was hoping that i didn't have to work Monday but i do...but ill still get to enjoy his company though. YAY....he just called me, today was tiring but it now has ended on a really good note. I love him so much.

Good Day

""I love you very much."

                         -Deric

I love this guy to death. I had a good day with him today. Kinda sucks though that his day off this week lands on a day that i am working so i probably wont really get to see him. Gonna have to work out this we both are working now and I'm still in school thing. But hey, graduation is coming super quick now...5 months and I'm done with high school forever. I'm ready..but at the same time I'm kinda scared. But heck, i cant wait...its gonna be a blast.

Senior Year.....Is Annoying

I'm getting to the point where i really just don't like these last months of senior year because this is where everything comes down to the wire and deadlines start happening and its a race to finish everything. Scholarships ex specially....hating filling them out with a passion. They take FOREVER and its not like your going to get it for sure anyway. But its still worth filling it out just in case because for those every little amount counts. But I'm starting to get that overwhelmed feeling because i have a lot of those to fill out, along with getting all of my home work done, along with studying for tests and making sure that my grades stay good, along with a part time job now. OH, but sprinkle in there orchestra concerts and rehearsals and possible theater stuff (although that kinda stuff may becoming to a sorta stop sadly). Not to complain....but aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! My brain just trying to wrap around this all is a little difficult but knowing that all of this HAS to get done and my grades now count more than ever so that is super important. Plus getting at least a day to see Deric each week is even more important cause he keeps me sane and I love him to death but getting that day is now going to be tough. We have even started planning for my open house now to, yeah, big stuff going on. I am just really trying to keep everything straight and do the best i can because wow is it getting tough.

On a side note, I have been debating whether or not to make a second blog that is just a place for me to record my dreams because i used to record them because some of them are very important and it is kinda fun to look back on the dreams you have. I started writing them down again in a notebook but i was thinking that writing them out on a blog would be more useful. If i do happen to do that though anyone who reads this blog would be able to read that one as well.

Happy

I think today has been a good day for my mind. The beginning of it not so much, but after awhile it definitely was. Much needed from my last night brain spaz. Basically last night i worried yet again over something i didn't need to and in my head managed to blow it very far out of proportion and concluded that with the worst possible scenario. So from there my mind was in a sort of panic when it didn't need to be....it never needs to be actually. Nothing in my life has that affect on me right now, nothing is hurting me. I still find it strange that i never have any stress like i used to have, still feels weird, but oh how i love it. I like not having to stress out over things and people anymore, my mind gets to be continually...for the most part...at ease. Last night is an exception of course. Wasn't fun cause old memories were brought back up, not the really bad ones that i hate to even think i did, i thank my brain for not bringing those up, but just some general memories that i never ever want to have again. I was also wondering some things and when i wonder that kinda makes me think more because its normally to late to call someone and ask them so i continue to wonder. So with this all in my head i went over to Deric's in the morning to give him back the pants i fixed and when i got there he was sleeping and i let him sleep for a bit more. Then we just kinda hung out and what not then he napped for a bit and i started thinking again and when he woke up i finally asked what i had been thinking, and like normal...I'm worrying about nothing. Silly me, but it is nice to know that I'm not being to suffocating to you and that you get the you time that you need. It's always nice to hear that you love me just the same and it is always always always, whether it be in person or in text form, wonderful to hear the words, "I love you." It makes me so so happy. Then later that day i got to thinking about things and i gotta say, my conclusion to it was great. I do not care one cent anymore, my heart and mind have finally been able to let go and just live life in the moment and i must say, there was a moment today that i honestly wish could have lasted much much longer then it did. Me and Deric were in his bed and as we were doing whatever there was a moment when Deric put his hand behind my head, turned my head and just kissed me and kissed me. In that moment i could feel everything. His hand, the muscles in his arm, his chest, his mouth...everything. And in that moment i though, Nothing else matters but this. This is where i want to be and i dont ever want to lose this. Everything in that moment was perfect. Moments like these only reasure me more that Deric is the one that i want to be with untill i die. He is just....perfect.
I didnt notice this till now...but i have tears running down my cheeks from writing that last bit, and they are very happy tears.

And ps. Deric when we were talking about what i had worn to your house today and i had said i had back up clothes and you kinda had a funny look on your face and asked me why....those are still at your house. Look in your dresser. You gave me a drawer, so i put a little bit in it. :)

GAH

 I know i posted like two things five minutes ago......but my mind is seriously riding the struggle bus right now. GAH

Hrm...

I don't know if this is strange or not, or if other people sometimes feel like this too or if its just me. But like, have you ever been in a room full of people, yet felt oh so lonely? Even if this group of people is all of your friends and people you love and care about and some that you don't get to see very often anymore because they are away at school and such.....yet....you feel more lonely than ever? I don't know why but i kinda felt like that tonight. Just really lonely. That's going to be how ill start feeling once i start working to cause ill be working right after school till night so i wont have a chance to see people or Deric much, even if it is his day off to which will suck. I just, idk, I'm just lonely at the moment, really really lonely.

I Feel Like I Haven't Had Anything To Say In Awhile

But I finally do. So for one, today my school was given some news. The choir assistant is being accused of having sexual relations with students so he has been fired and it really was a shock to the choir kids. I felt bad for them. I have also been sick since Monday and i think i am finally getting over it which will be sweet because i hate being sick and i always feel like i am. Plus i was working out earlier and it is super hard to do that when you are still sick. My throat hurts like hell. Oh well though...i really want to start working out again because i feel like all I'm doing is lying around doing nothing which i don't like cause it makes me feel much more lazy then i would like to feel. But later i have a get together at Tyler's house which should be fun. And that's kinda all i got at the moment...

Listen Please

Hey mister, why the long face? You seem a little down lately...is there anything i can do? If there is I would love to help because you are always there for me and helping me smile when I'm at my lowest. You normally have a peppy way to you when you are happy or at least when you aren't unhappy. You don't have that as much right now....even your voice is a little sad. I want to make sure that you are ok because i love you more than the world itself. I know that you not getting the hours you had hoped is upsetting to you...and that i caused that to happen due to me wanting to go to Envy and i am really sorry about that and i feel bad about it, i don't think you blame me for it....or at least i hope you don't cause you might....but i am so sorry for that and if there is anything i can do please tell me. If you need to talk to someone please talk to me, i am here for you just as much as you are here for me. Whenever i am upset or down you always make me tell you whats wrong cause when i don't you get upset with me, well this is one of those times that I'm going to bug you until you say something or i might get a little upset with you cause you can tell me when you are upset and unhappy too even if you are a guy. I love you and i want you to be the happiest you can be hun.

Oh The Year To Come

Had a fun time at the party at Craig's house even though it was hard to find the place since it is in the middle of no where. The only sad part was that Deric couldn't be there cause he had to work since Scribs has one of its busiest days of the year tonight. But i mean, that's what a job does and the one ill be starting up soon will do that to me to, its just how it is. I do miss him though and he owes me a kiss cause i had to kiss Livi instead of him for New Years this year. I'm looking forward to this new year with him, its going to be amazing, i don't really know why that is but i just have a feeling that it will be. School starts back up pretty soon here to and we are supposedly going to get some snow which would be nice. So we shall see.