No Obligation

I have no obligation to like her or be her friend so i deleted it because that's just added stress that you know what? I don't have to care about. I don't care for her or about her and I don't like her. No obligation to be friends so I deleted her.

Deric loves me. That i what i need to remember always. I need to remember that although he is friends with her and can see slutty things hes still mine and if he wanted any of that stuff he would always come to me. Deric would never cheat on me. He would never hurt me. He wants to be with me even when I am a little psychotic, even when i yell and get angry over stupid things, even when we argue. we'll work out our issues and my problems together. I forget these things and i get upset. I get insecure and unhappy and get angry and yell at Deric. He's no lying to me or cheating on me or thinking about doing either and he knows that if anyone ever stepped over the boundary line he would immediately no longer be friends with them. We are going to be moving in with each other soon and  starting a very big step in our relationship. Deric seems to want to be with me for a long time and he wants to love me as much as he can and i mean the world to him. I am a very very important thing in his life and he is very committed to me as i am to him. I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize that and neither would he. I just have to get that through my thick skull and i have to realize that he would never let anyone else try or do anything so i just need to trust him even if i do not trust the people he is with. Deric is a smart person, he knows right from wrong, and he always has my best intentions when i am not around. As i have his, we know what the other would approve of and what they would not.

Lately I've been feeling clingy and I think it's just because of all the stuff i have been having anxiety about. I think my pills doing a little better because I don't feel as all over the place. So maybe the first initial month was hell month. We have 12 days until we move and there is so much to do still...its coming up so quick!

Never would I have thought that How I Met Your Mother would hit a heart string exactly when i needed it. The second too last episode made me cry because it made sense and it was almost some advice that I needed right now. Holy molly

I Just Want To Feel Normal Again

My Insides Are Going To Explode

I really think I need to get off this pill. I was feeling anxiety before and now...I can't even explain.

I'm feeling anxious and worried and stressed all the time. Like.....I keep having bad thoughts. Thoughts that hurt me and scare me and worry me and make me sad and depressed. They all revolve around Deric. Like this whole Teal thing is ridiculous. one I still don't appreciate things getting told when one is angry...that can't keep happening. But like...I feel like the smallest things are borderline hurting me which is so annoying and crazy and I hate it. I keep worrying that what if something happened. I mean....we are making a really big step and I think that as excited as I am about it I am so scared about it because this means I am opening myself to the possibility of getting hurt. Not that it will happen but I feel like I'm getting put into the open and....well...being vulnerable scares me. It's a thought in the back of my head. Like....this Teal thing is bothersome one because she is a girl, two I don't trust her one bit, and three she creeped on my facebook through my cousin!!! Like...she obviously was way too curious about me if she went through someone else's facebook to look at my stuff. That makes me uncomfortable...really uncomfortable. So i'll say this...I'm glad shes changing shifts cause I won't have to deal with this soon. Like, sometimes I feel like Deric doesn't tell me everything. I'm about positive he does but sometimes I feel like maybe he doesn't. Like the whole pot thing. He still goes over to Eric's house and even though Eric apparently quit who knows for sure. I know Deric really wants to still and deepdown I feel like he is smoking here and there and just hasn't exactly told me. All I want is absolute truth from him, I wouldn't be angry as long as I was told. I mean....it's more for the fact that in case something happened. I keep having these thoughts of what if something happened what if what if what if and I HATE IT. I feel like I am going to explode and I can't control my emotions and I feel like my insides are bouncing off the walls of my insides. I want to explode.

Deric, I love you. You know that. I know you love me. I am going to get off this pill because I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want our relationship to take a road we can't come back from because of my emotional instability. I am scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel open. I am not used to these feelings. Deric all i ask from you right now is that you help me. Right now I just need kind words and to be shown how much I am loved. Just kind words would do. Big hugs and loving kisses. I love you. We are going to move in with each other and we are going to start something wonderful. I just wish it was happening like tomorrow. I need you with me now. I want you with me every night now. I'm so excited for that. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I am so sorry I have been...well....insane lately. I am hurting you I know, I am sorry for that. Please please please please forgive my craziness.

Overwhelmed And So Unsure

What you said to me the other night was very comforting, and it made me cry. That when we lived together you would show me how much you loved me every single day. That was nice


I still feel like you are distant though. Like we are off. Like once again I'm really trying and some how you aren't. Sigh I don't understand whats wrong with me but at the same time I know i feel this way for a reason.

I am NOT in the mood to deal with this right now. SO NOT IN THE DAMN MOOD. Fuck this.

Who Says That...

You know as a female who does not wear make up, mainly for the fact that it bugs me and i have no idea how to put it on properly, when someone comments on the fact that you don't wear any it kinda bugs you. Especially when the person saying it is like "oh but your boyfriend would like it if you started wearing it...not that your ugly or anything but still." Like what the hell does that even mean?!?!?! I'm pretty but not really cause i don't wear anything? That Deric will like me more if I do? I don't even know, but definitely is not taken as a compliment. So I asked Deric about it cause i was curious. I must say i love my boyfriend. I'm not sure if he was just saying this because he really meant it or because he was being nice but either way it made me feel good. Well he first asked who said that to me and was like wth and then told me that i don't need makeup and that i pull of the natural look pretty well as opposed to others and that basically I'm absolutely fine as I am. I guess sometimes I do feel like i would be prettier if i wore make up but at the same time that isn't me and that isn't how i am or what i do. So basically i won't wear any because it's a hassle.

Dawn is talking to me about her new hookah and she sent me a pic and it was like instant uncomfortable for a split second. Sigh....i can deal with smoking cigars but everything else is just a no no to me. Or makes me kinda uncomfortable. I feel like this makes me a hypocrite which makes me sad cause i really dislike hypocrites. I also feel weird talking to her about smoking it cause well....i don't do that....and shes like super into it....and all i'm wishing is that she does not ask me if i want to smoke some. I have issues

We move soon.....we move soon....so much to do still....so much

I feel like you are pulling away and I am desperately holding on :/

So Yeah

Here's to a short and sweet post.

I'm emotionally feeling rather blah and somehow I'm not feeling ridiculously overwhelmed yet by everything even though i probably should. I feel like my minds just kinda...shut itself down a little to where it's not gonna bother me or stress me out. I'm not sure. I still have a lot to deal with and a looot to think about but yeah. I also feel bad right now for something. Idk, I'm sorry i act and say things that i do.

I Don't Know What To Title This.......

GAH Sleeping tonight is gonna be a bitch. I'm livid as fuck about Lilly, anxious as hell about stupid ass shit and I just can't seem to not be anxious no matter how i think about it, and like I just have so many emotions right now its a little ridiculous. I want it to be April, I want it to be May, I want it to be summer and I want to have moved up at my work, I want it to be my birthday, I want it to be October, I want it to be December. I want too many things and I just don' know what I'm gonna do. I want to not be anxious. I want to not worry about Deric going to the bar tonight. We talked about everything last night and I'm not sure why I still feel this way. I don't think it's the fact that I'm worried about the one thing anymore, although I am still annoyed by it....don't care if I've never met someone i can still judge character. I'm almost worried for Brandon and Kayla. I mean, knowing how Brandon was before with alcohol and now he is 21 so he can buy it himself now....I'm not sure how well this is going to go for them. I sure as hell do not want anymore texts at 4 in the morning with Kayla blowing up my phone over something shes livid with Brandon about. I feel like that could happen tonight depending on a few things. I wish my brain could just turn off and be totally empty sometimes. But you know, I think once school is done come the beginning of May this will all get much much better. I just have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT on my plate right now. I work 40 hours a week, I have to remember all of my homework and all of my due dates and all of the things i have to do, I have to make sure i study for all of these classes and I have to make sure I do not miss any of these classes cause I will get behind, now I have to worry about if we have everything we need for moving..aka all the things on my list and all the groceries I have to figure out which will be hard as hell and I'm just anxious thinking about that cause like holy hell that's a lot for the first trip, I have to make sure I'm doing my best at work so i can move up so I have to be like super duper good and amazing at my job and impress everyone, I have to make sure that I'm not a total loon to Deric because i have all this on my plate, I also have to make sure that I make sure that he is OK cause hes got some issues when it comes to moving, and not the normal issues someone has like all the emotions I'm feeling. I want to make sure he's enjoying this experience and that this all goes smoothly cause hes had bad experiences with moving and I need to prove to him that not all of them will be bad. Like this one, this is for a good reason and it will have good results. WE will be happier, WE will have a place of OUR own. There is nothing bad about the move, it is all for the right reasons. We love each other so much and that is why we are doing are best to make this happen, cause we want to be together. Like when Christmas roles around, boy I am gonna make him like Christmas and he WILL help me decorate the dang tree. 

I realize that typing this out kinda made me feel better. I just really wish I didn't feel the way i keep feeling. I do trust Deric and I know when i say i don't trust other people it shouldn't matter cause Deric would never let anything happen but like, I still have this deep thing i can't seem to let go of. I know none of them are an ex or someone hes had any relations with but I do know that the time being its with a girl that will cheat with men who are in relationships. That is what bothers me. Yes i have never met her but i already know her character and I don't like it. I have a deep thing that makes me feel like a boyfriend should not hang out alone with other girls....but as i think of that Livi hangs out with Tyler alone a lot and he has a girlfriend....I am going to say something right now that i will never say again on any other post because it makes me angry for many different reasons. FUCK YOU EX BOYFRIEND OF MINE. I should not feel this bad about things and i should sure as hell not have this anxiety. Deric is a wonderful guy but you poisoned my insides and my brain and fucked me over. Now Deric, the wonderfully amazing beautiful person that he is, has to deal with my problems. You hung out with exs that you had slept with alone in their house, you hung out with exs that all you could do was oggle at their boobs, you were the one that hung out with all other females more than with me, you broke the trust that i had in people and curb stomped it into dust. I was nothing to you. I wasn't important. Never once did I ever feel like I was worth something or that i was beautiful or that i was loved exactly as i am small boobs and all. Not once. I hurt so much because of you. I am so angry right now at everything. At all the crap i put myself through and all the crap I still can't seem to handle. I am angry that I am still broken. 

Now here is Deric wanting to do things that you did and I cannot seem to let him do it without feeling some sort of negative emotion about it. Why? Because all i have ever known is a bad emotion with it. But here is Deric who has not once given any reason to ever doubt him or his judgement in what people do, never have I once had a problem or issue or felt negatively towards him doing things with people. I have a fear that maybe Deric will end up liking one of these people he hangs out with more than me and leave me, it's a stupid thought but it pops into my head. But here is the thing i need to just learn and learn again....He LOVES ME for ME. He looks at me and wants me, he tells me beautiful things and makes me feel like a princess. He takes care of me and helps me and doesn't yell at me. He's doing all he can to fix a broken soul. I need to just let all my emotions flow through me, let them process, and then realize that I am with a man who loves me and will not hurt me. Yes i have been in a sense hurt here and there, but not like what I am talking about. Deric would never cheat on me, he would never do or allow someone to do something that he would know I would not like. I think it is time to feel vulnerable, meaning I am going to get rid of this stupid chip i have hanging onto me. This means I am going to let myself be open. Emotionally open. Vulnerable. I am scared to do that. Because I don't want to ache again. But i think it is the only thing that will fix my broken soul. I have to start anew with my trust, with my insecurities, with my emotions. I have no clue if this giant ramble makes any sense to anyone but myself and I don't want it to offend anyone in any way, but I am going to start trying very hard to open up, I closed myself and I know Deric can tell, I need to be open again. I will try, and I will let myself be vulnerable. 

Updates

Ok so...there is a TON of crap that has gotta be said on here right now. I'll do my best to remember everything i wanted to say.

To begin, me and Deric signed a lease for an apartment and we move in April 12th.  I'm excited, nervous, anxious, a lot of different emotions. I'm very very sad that i will be leaving Blossom. I love her so damn much and it makes me cry that I won't be with her anymore. Which is why I think its good that we get a cat at some point, I think I'll need something there with me when Deric is away. But we are getting most of our stuff together pretty good. We still do need a chunk of things though. It is stressful in a sense, I'll admit that, but I've learned that the best thing you can do is be organized and well....not seem stressed.

I'm finally kinda doing well in my classes. I'm attempting to not procrastinate but I'm overwhelmed. My brain is fried. Although this week i think I've done well in my classes. Spring break was very much needed. A week off from school was very very nice. Me and Deric got to see each other a lot and we made our big decision.

I told Adam that I want to move up at work and he was very excited that i wanted to so we will see where that goes.

My anxiety is getting the best of me again. It keeps coming and coming and i feel like my chest has a permanent python constricting it. I feel terrible because Deric gets the blunt of my anxiety and my trust issues and my insecurities. He deals with them so well, I'm surprised he hasn't just up and left yet because i am a handful when I'm like this. I just wish it would go away....