Thank You Greatly

Knowing that even when life gets hard and things just seem to crumble that you are by my side makes things so much easier. When school gets rough and takes me down a peg, when work gets hard and long and people get rude and rather impolite, when life at home gets impossible to bare, when i feel sick and run down and physically exhausted, and when i just need a hug from an overwhelming day, too know that you are by my side and that you are there for me through thick and thin, it makes my days that much less stressful and it gives me something to look forward to. Thank you for that.

Have I Said Too Much?

I do wonder, have I said too much? I continually wonder this with the things i write in here....considering you read them and all. Sigh

A Scramble Of Things

You know, working and going to school and doing a hundred million other things makes it a little hard to write in here consistently. If i had more time there would definitely be more updates. But oh well, i do what i can.
But on too what i actually was going to write in here before that came to mind.
So, i don't really know where to start exactly with this one, i could start many many places, just not sure which is the right point to begin with. Hrm, well... i guess i can start at the first thing that comes to mind. So, I have to say, Deric has really been a great thing for me and my life, he has changed it for the better in so many ways and I'm really starting to see these things. For one, I can look at myself in the mirror now and like the way i look, i finally like everything about myself. From head to toe. I can look in the mirror at my boobs and like them, I like them and the size that they are. Lately Deric has been telling me how much he loves them, and coming form him that really means a lot because they are basically his and he loves them just the way they are. He doesn't need someone with huge boobs to be happy, he chose me and my small little boobs. And he loves MY boobs and no one elses, he makes me feel so great about myself. Even when I'm having an off day he still thinks I'm beautiful or cute and he tells me that. I'm not really self conscious anymore and i must say, thank you, it feels wonderful. Next, surprisingly, my grades in school have gone up. Yeah, you would think that having a boyfriend and job and things like that would make your grades drop, not mine. My grades have gone up. And i know that it is because he wants me to keep up in school and do the best that i can and hes proud of me when i do well and i like it when hes proud of me. So it all works out to were I'm doing my best which is definitely a good thing. Plus i feel like i am a happier person over all because of him.
On to some more things, still about Deric, but different then before. So, yesterday he talked about how he looked into the pricing of apartments and how it may be possible for us to live together. Its hard to put into words how this made me feel. It was definitely a joy though because i would love to live with him, i would get to fall asleep with him and be in his arms and wake up to him every day. You know how wonderful that would be? Also, i was happy about it because that means he wants to be with me in the long run because he wouldn't want to live with me if he didn't. It just makes me really really happy. I mean, i would get to spend time with him too if we lived together, now i barely get to and those few hours that i do i savor so much. Kinda like the few hours i got to spend with him today, for  a bit we were just cuddling and laying together under the covers and talking and he was holding me and just kinda rubbing my back and i had missed that so much, it was just, idk, i just love when we have moments like that because they, to me, mean a lot. I just, i cant express how much I love him. Its more than words can describe. Hes always so good to me too and takes care of me when im sick and just loves me always. Spring break ill be able to sleep over at his house again which will be wonderful and hopefully we are able to go to Envy as well. And i cant wait. There is something i have been meaning to ask as well, it may seem off topic maybe, but this question got stirred in my mind when we were talking about year book stuff at school. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? I kinda thought about it but i was wondering what your answer to it was, im just a little curious. Maybe you'll see it as off topic, but then again maybe not. I had been meaning to ask but i just havent gotten to it yet but i gues asking it on here works just as well because i know you read these...which also means a lot...it means you care....but yeah, there you go.

Update

Havent really been able to put much on here recently..been really busy with work and school and tech week for Annie. But i can put a little update here i guess for now since im tired as shit. lol
Went to see the Hunger Games midnight premiere last night!!!! SOOOO goood!! I cant wait for the next 2....possibly 3...movies. Deric went with which was really nice and he evn liked the movie too and he may possibly read the books, most likely not, but hey. It was fun, im just SUPER tired right now, oh well...i can sleep in a bit tomorrow.
College has become extremely confusing, i thought going to MCC for my accosiates degree would be pretty simple, you know, follow the thing i need for that degree for 2 years then head on out to another school. But no, because i have possible AP credits and because of what i want to go into life jut got a hell of a lot more complicated. Sigh....why.......
Deric is amazingly wonderful, I miss being able to have full days wiht him, my spring break is soon though so ill be spending as much time with him as i can then. I just, I love him more than anything and i know im loved just as much because he always shows that he loves me and always tells me.

Bits And Pieces

So, multiple things, will write them separately cause they don't really have anything to do with each other.

Today i hung out with Dawn and her boyfriend, mind you i hadn't done that since that terribly awkward incident. I didn't mind it, but, it wasn't like it used to be, you know way back when like freshman sophomore year. It reminded me of those times...but then i remember that those times are to be forgotten, i did a lot of stupid things then, not like stupid like some peoples stupid, but for me it was and i just don't ever need them in my mind again, so even if i only hang out with those two every however many months as it had been or never, it wont bother me one bit. They just really needed to vent to someone about their roommate, which is fine...but i feel weird now and i don't really know why, maybe because it reminded me of way back when, I'm not sure, but it wont kill me if i never get to hang out with them again.

Next would be the dream i had last night, it was so weird and vivid. But i mean, all my dreams are very vivid because that's just how i dream. In my dream i was yelling at this person for all the hurt they had caused me and everything they did to me, i think i had this dream though because there are times when i think about things like my insecurities, and before when i thought about them i still had them or it was a slow going procces of healing them, but finally though i think they are pretty much healed. Deric has shown me  how beautiful i really am and how amazing everything about me is, including my small boobs. I dont think about my body in the way i used to anymore, im proud of it and happy for it. I think i yelled at this person in my dream in my dream because yes they had really caused some damage but in the end all of that damage has been repaired and its time for the things they did to my mind to leave an dbe gone forever because i have someone who loves me as i am no matter what. And tahts all that matters, not if i have big boobs or not. If i am loved as is, that means i am perfectly beautiful.

We got our report cards at school and for the first time in my life i got a 4.0! I am so proud of myself, i am really doing wel and getting somewhere and i am almost done with high school and kinda have college figured out, still have some things to figure out but im working on it. Plus my direct deposit works and my money was put into the bank this morning and i now have 2 grand in the bank. Yay me, getting even closer to getting that car of mine. I am just excited for what im doing right now, im working, going to school, balancing 3 AP classes and i just got a 4.0, and this week im working 30 hours, I can truly say i am super proud of myself cause i never really have been before like this. I feel kinda smart.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that i am so thankful for Deric, I dont know where i would be without him. He makes sure i do well in school and pushes me to do well, and then when i do hes proud of me, and when he tells me that i feel really good about doing well. Then hes always giving me compiments and calling me lovely, gorgeous, and beautiful and when he says it, i know i am all those things. He never fails to tell me that he loves me and that means the world to me because i knwo every single day that i am loved by him, he usually calls me every day to from work when hes on break just to talk to me or atleast say that he loves me, i know that he really cares about me and that im important to him when he takes the time just to do those little things. He just, makes me always feel wondeful. And i gotta say, im pretty proud of him to for everything that he does. Hes working full time to help pay the bills and he buys most of his own things, hes always on top of his car and when he has trouble he does whatever he can to fix it. I'm proud of him for it because there are things he does that really do amaze me because i know that i would never be able to do them like he does. I love him so much and i am so happy to know that i am loved just as much. He means everything to me.

Long Walks

Today was a good day, the weather was gorgeous, i got to go for a walk with Deric to Lake Harbor, and I got to spend time with him. What more could i ask for? He always so caring, loving, protective, gentle, kind, i could say a million things more but that may go on and on so ill stop there. He believes in me a lot with my school stuff which makes me happy because i know that when i do well he's proud of me. Even if he can be a bit of a lazy butt at times hes still always willing to do what i really would like to do, like today going on a super long walk. He just makes me happy, so very happy. I love him more than anything in the world. He is absolutly perfect.

Nothing Works Out With Life

I don't even know what this feeling is. Today has just felt weird in general i guess. Maybe I'm tired form work or frustrated that i work so much. I guess frustrated with my work/school schedule and Deric's work/sleep schedule. Totally opposite or at the exact same time always. So in other words i never get to see him because when I'm in school hes sleeping and when i get out we both go to work or he goes to work. I miss the days that we could spend all day long with each other. Cause even on the one day that that was possible recently it still wasn't able to happen. I just want another day again, that's all and apparently that's just way to much to ask for cause the world has a different schedule. And then today i went over to Deric's to just chill and do a bit of homework while i waited for him to get outta work cause he was supposed to have early out today....i even picked up his room a bit because it needed it and I'm just that nice...then heather got sick though so instead hes closing.....wont see him tomorrow either most likely. Even if he does have early out and I'm outta work at 8, i don't foresee that happening. I don't know why i picked up more hours for this week...I'm just stupid i guess pushing myself to handle more and more along with school. It hasn't really bothered me until now. Now i just want to curl up all day long with Deric and do absolutely nothing...or go down to the beach with him or something like that. Or just see him would work. lol. And then today just felt strange the few times i got to talk to hm on the phone, something felt off today. I'm not sure what....I'm probably just a tad off myself considering I'm tired and all. Idk, but I'm supposed to work like 30 hours this week then the week after i am probably going to be helping with the Allegros show when I'm not working....so that still leaves no room for Deric. I am OK with school and work only if it doesn't affect my social life to a large degree, which this is starting to and I'm not really happy about it. I really could just use a hug or something or a big I love you or i don't even know. We possibly could do lunch tomorrow but since hes closing now I'm not even going to ask cause even if it is from 3-4 i don't want to wake him up. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining at all or anything...i just want everything to be alright and work out well. I just, I love him more than anything and i don't want to lose him ever.....i feel like this isn't even making sense anymore...sigh...i guess ill go to bed now...

Ugh

Today has just been a long day. We got comcast now and it frustrates me. I have never liked comcast and i hate the TV part of it...its just slow and annoying. Then in my frustrated i kinda took it out on Deric, not like yelled at him or anything just acted really down and what not and he doesn't deserve that. He never deserves that. Then at work i got another slip thing but this one wasn't really anything bad and the only thing on it that i didn't know wasn't really my fault. And now I'm realizing that i left Deric's necklace in my apron in my locker at work because i realized i had it on part of the way through work and i don't wear it to work so i took it off and put it in my apron and i actually feel bad that i forgot it because of its meaning.....so i guess after school I'm gonna go to Home Depot and get it even though i don't work tomorrow, but i want it before Saturday cause i feel naked without it and i feel like i let him down when i don't wear it. I just feel really bad that i left it there. Actually, we have an hour lunch tomorrow, im going to go and get it then, just walk in and walk out not too bad at all. Ok i feel a little better now.

I Love You

I don't think i can even describe how i have been feeling lately because its just so wonderful. Even if when I'm home things are a bit tense, when i get to see you they all go away and  i have not a care in the world. Deric, I love you more than anything in the world, I absolutely can not imagine being without you. Lately i just feel like I'm even closer to you than i was before. I guess i can say that I'm falling even more in love with you. We both have been through so much and have learned so many things from our pasts. The main thing that i learned was that you are the right person for me, and are the only person for me. I love absolutely everything about you, from your messy hair, wonderful smile, positive attitude, to your outlook on life. I have to say that you make me so proud every single day for everything that you accomplish and do. When i called you and you said you had been in a car accident it scared the shit outta me because i thought you were possibly hurt and so many other things ran through my head. I don't know what i would do if i had lost you. I love you so much. The way that you treat me too is so amazing, always looking out for me and making sure that I'm comfy and warm. Listening to me when i need someone to talk to and letting me cry when i need to and comforting me. You always call me things like beautiful, gorgeous, and lovely, you have no idea how wonderful that makes me feel when you say those things to me. You know i had insecurities because of how i was treated before and when you tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm sexy and that i look cute and those different things it has made them basically go away. You love my body and everything about it, you think my tattoos are sexy, (yours are pretty amazing themselves), you tell me that you love me every single day, and when we are out and about you only look at me. You are the most amazing person in the world, i want you to understand that. I don't know if you understand how much i love you, but know that when i get emotional its because you make me feel amazing and so loved and I just love you more than i can handle myself so it comes out like that. When i want that extra hug or kiss its because i don't want to be away from you and when i do have to leave i cant wait to see you next. Deric, i don't think i can ever explain how i feel about you because there is just so much to it, but i hope that this sums up a little bit of what i can. I love you so much.

Life Has Preferences

I think life just hates certain people being happy, i really think its true. Cause it always seems to be when plans are made, things seem to be going good...then suddenly something terribly bad happens and that all goes caput. Everyting gets hard again and life really deserves a swift kick in the ass for all the crap it does. Everything happy that was thouhgt of and planned, turns back into a hardship and just a dream. Makes me sigh really hard because i would really like to ask someone why. It makes me angry too the way life favors those who dont need to be favored and puts hardship on those who dont need it or dont deserve it. And it makes me worried, and being a worrier, it makes me worry more than i should. Im glad that all the big things are out of the way like exams because i dont think i would function terribly well with them if they were this week. I'm starting to work a ton more now too so that just makes balancing everything really difficult. I can't wait till balancing is over for a bit. I just wish life was fare in the way that it should be.

A Little Ranting Is Good For The Soul

So Maddie got a car the other day, shes my younger cousin, its a royal blue bug, and her parents bought it for her...shes in debt $2500 yeah....but the whole thing makes me a little ticked. Sure I'm a bit jealous, who wouldn't be? Yes i feel that way because shes younger than me and i feel like i should get something like that before her, but mostly I'm just irritated by the whole thing. For one it was a bad decision on her parents part because low and behold Maddie has no job to keep up on the car, or pay her gas, or insurance, or anything at all....actually her moms giving her $10 each week for gas, not that that will be enough but still....shes saying that Maddie is looking for a job, but i haven't heard of any place that she has applied at, or any places shes going to try accept Home Depot when she turns 18 in April only because i work there and they know its a good place to try......i know that she wouldn't even apply there if i didn't work there though. Considering how things are going there lately...which i will highlight a little later on....in a month and a half those job opportunities may not be there anymore. And no offense to her, I don't need her working there and possibly doing better than me, yeah its selfish, but hey, its the truth. Also, what irritates me is the fact that Maddie is spoiled because shes the only girl. Shes spoiled and basically gets whatever it is she wants. Clothes, phone, a car, you name it. Though, her parents are extremely strict with boyfriends and things like that where as mine aren't. Her mom was really gloating over the car the other day when we went to see it, Maddie though is really humble about it so i do give her props for that. I guess its more of the fact that tons of people just have things handed to them and they don't have to work for any of it ever and they don't know what hardship is or don't even understand the meaning of working for something. I haven't ever been a spoiled kid, in the aspect of how my parents are with boyfriends maybe and Deric would understand that, i have always had to work for everything that i want/wanted. I pay for everything, and that's because i have to because my family doesn't have loads of money to just throw around, we have enough to get by and not much else. I pay for my phone, which soon here that little arrangement will be done with and ill be needing to get on my own phone plan or something cause i cant go without a phone, i need to be able to be contacted. I guess i just don't like people being spoiled like so terribly much.
The little recap on work cause i said a blurb about it up there. Found out why Tiffany got fired and its because she did the most basic and biggest no no a cashier can do..so no worries about me being fired. But we are 4 people short right now because the 2 were fired, Shannon just had her baby this morning and Shaina has mono. So basically jobs will be filling soon and probably fast. I am not really sure if there will be anything left in a month and a half.
School exams went fine i think....ended with an 83 in AP chemistry and an 84.4 in AP calculus. Don't know what i got in Lit yet....hopefully find out eventually. Started stagecraft again...yay....small downside but who the fuck cares, I'm going out with a bang and hell....I'm gonna show off and be awesome, i like showing off my tattoo what can i say, i love the thing. lol. Oh, and only 3 months left!!!!!
Lastly, I just want to say that Deric is amazing as always, i cant imagine life without him. I love him so much.

A Few Things

Alrighty, so first off, Deric got his tattoo finished today and it looks super awesome. He is in a lot of pain though still and is really sore which isn't really good. He was in a crap ton of pain when he was getting it done and wasn't sure if he would be able to finish it today but he stuck through it and got it finished. I'm proud of him. Secondly, work is giving me a lot more hours coming up here soon. went from around 21-22 and now suddenly i have been scheduled for 27 and 1/2. I'm happy with that, means more money and the sooner i can get my own car, but that does mean i will have less hang out time with friends and Deric which sucks a lot, plus they have me scheduled for two Mondays in a row which I'm bumbed about cause that's Deric's one day off a week that stays the same. Thirdly, two of the cashiers were let go this week. One was the girl who they hired in the same time as me. When i talked to Liz she said that people are wondering who's next because it always seems to be in 3's. That got me a little worried because I'm the newest one there so i don't have any seniority and its more likely that they would let me go, but i know there isn't any reason to let me go cause i haven't been doing anything wrong, but it still is making me really nervous so I'm going to be on my best behavior so they will have nothing against me at all and not have a reason to let me go. It would suck so much if that happened though...goodbye getting a car and saving up for college and a bunch of stuff like that. But I'm hoping that isn't going to happen. So yeah, that's life recently.