Thursday, June 27, 2013
Oh The Day
When stupid arguments end in soft kisses, big hugs, and I love yous. It makes me feel better. The rest of the day got better which was a good thing. That and i got an 88 on my calc test. :)
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Tonight
I'm drained. Not sure if it's because of the talk me and Deric had or if it's because I'm really tired. I guess it was a needed talk. We need to learn to communicate more, both of us do, not just me which is good. Probably more me because i tend to not always tell my problems or worries etc. I don't always like to and i have to stop doing that.I will be honest, that will be hard for me. I feel like some of the things i want to ask or say are dumb and are just things i want to talk about because i worry too much and get upset by stupid things...but apparently i should talk about those things to. I hate confrontation and things like that though, i always have. I guess this involves a lot of learning that i will be willing to do for Us. I don't really know what else to say besides that I love you. So I guess I'll be done for now.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
Turn Around
Things are looking up in a way, and I'm ok with it because its a good thing.
I got another review at work today. All was good. Nothing was bad at all. Felisha even said that she wants to look into making me a head cashier. Meaning that i will know that much more and people trust me more and know i can do things. I feel like once i went to the desk people really noticed me. I made a lot more friends because i interact with everyone now, people rely on me to solve problems and make people happy, i learned the paint department, i got employee of the month. People are noticing me and it is paying off. This makes me happy.
I've finally been able to start looking in the mirror and think of myself as attractive and beautiful. ALL of me. Even the things i have insecurities about. I don't know why all of a sudden i can do this and i don't know how long it will last. But what i do know is that I am not an ugly person. I may have smaller boobs but they are pretty damn good looking and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. I may not have perfect skin or perfect hair etc but what i do have is enough and it works for me. I'm doing things that make me happy. I'm trying to eat right, i go to the gym and stay in shape, i go to the beach and lay out, i get piercings and tattoos, i hang out with my amazing boyfriend and friends, and i finally think i have found my fashion niche. Like i think I've found what i like so i can stop trying to look ways that don't suit me. I know I'm not allergic to cheap metal so getting piercings now is a possibility and that makes me happy.....happy enough that i got my tragus done on Tuesday and its really cool. Kinda weird i will admit but i like it.
Something that was an even bigger turning point was something today. I won't say what it was or what happened but i will say that i saw something which made me not all too happy. BUT, i thought about it. I decided to have a little faith and to not let my issues get the best of me and run my life. So, I let it go. I am not unhappy by it, i am not anxious etc. I am calm, collected, and accepting. I don't want my problems to ruin me, my life, my relationship, my anything at all. So I'm not letting it and for once in my life i am not dwelling on it right now. I'm not even thinking about it really. I mean i am periodically but not in the way i did before. I think i can finally begin to heal a little. Hopefully that means trusting more and having more faith in you then i do right now. Maybe that would even mean for me to understand that you love me enough to never hurt me and to never do the things i fear may happen. You are not like that, you love me, you love me, you love me. That's all i need to know and I'm finally learning to let go and not let my issues get the best of me.
Summer is finally here i think and that makes me super happy. Many beach days and bonfires ahead. I'm happy Deric goes to the beach with me and drags himself out of bed for me. Maybe we can cuddle on the hammock next time we hang out. That will be nice. I also think i know what I'll make for him for our anniversary...its a long shot that I'm hoping i can make an idea come out of....cause if you didn't know i like making things. It's a cute idea i think and if it turns out right, well, I'll be pumped.
The only bad news is that i have shin splints. Fucking gym class did this to me cause everything was on cement. I'm mildly upset by it but I'm dealing with it and hoping it goes away soon.
On a final note. I love you Deric. You didn't call tonight which makes me sad but i guess I'll hear from you tomorrow which is way better then not hearing from you at all. I hope work went well/is going well and that you get home and sleep your little butt off. Goodnight my love, I'm off to pass out myself.
I got another review at work today. All was good. Nothing was bad at all. Felisha even said that she wants to look into making me a head cashier. Meaning that i will know that much more and people trust me more and know i can do things. I feel like once i went to the desk people really noticed me. I made a lot more friends because i interact with everyone now, people rely on me to solve problems and make people happy, i learned the paint department, i got employee of the month. People are noticing me and it is paying off. This makes me happy.
I've finally been able to start looking in the mirror and think of myself as attractive and beautiful. ALL of me. Even the things i have insecurities about. I don't know why all of a sudden i can do this and i don't know how long it will last. But what i do know is that I am not an ugly person. I may have smaller boobs but they are pretty damn good looking and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. I may not have perfect skin or perfect hair etc but what i do have is enough and it works for me. I'm doing things that make me happy. I'm trying to eat right, i go to the gym and stay in shape, i go to the beach and lay out, i get piercings and tattoos, i hang out with my amazing boyfriend and friends, and i finally think i have found my fashion niche. Like i think I've found what i like so i can stop trying to look ways that don't suit me. I know I'm not allergic to cheap metal so getting piercings now is a possibility and that makes me happy.....happy enough that i got my tragus done on Tuesday and its really cool. Kinda weird i will admit but i like it.
Something that was an even bigger turning point was something today. I won't say what it was or what happened but i will say that i saw something which made me not all too happy. BUT, i thought about it. I decided to have a little faith and to not let my issues get the best of me and run my life. So, I let it go. I am not unhappy by it, i am not anxious etc. I am calm, collected, and accepting. I don't want my problems to ruin me, my life, my relationship, my anything at all. So I'm not letting it and for once in my life i am not dwelling on it right now. I'm not even thinking about it really. I mean i am periodically but not in the way i did before. I think i can finally begin to heal a little. Hopefully that means trusting more and having more faith in you then i do right now. Maybe that would even mean for me to understand that you love me enough to never hurt me and to never do the things i fear may happen. You are not like that, you love me, you love me, you love me. That's all i need to know and I'm finally learning to let go and not let my issues get the best of me.
Summer is finally here i think and that makes me super happy. Many beach days and bonfires ahead. I'm happy Deric goes to the beach with me and drags himself out of bed for me. Maybe we can cuddle on the hammock next time we hang out. That will be nice. I also think i know what I'll make for him for our anniversary...its a long shot that I'm hoping i can make an idea come out of....cause if you didn't know i like making things. It's a cute idea i think and if it turns out right, well, I'll be pumped.
The only bad news is that i have shin splints. Fucking gym class did this to me cause everything was on cement. I'm mildly upset by it but I'm dealing with it and hoping it goes away soon.
On a final note. I love you Deric. You didn't call tonight which makes me sad but i guess I'll hear from you tomorrow which is way better then not hearing from you at all. I hope work went well/is going well and that you get home and sleep your little butt off. Goodnight my love, I'm off to pass out myself.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Feel The Burn
Well....me and Deric got our first sunburns of the season. We'll just have to make sure that the other side gets the same to cause otherwise we'll be all tan on one side and pale on the other. lol. Uh, lets see.....tomorrow I'm hoping to go get my ear pierced. I'm excited and nervous because I know it'll hurt but I'm gonna do it anyway cause i want one. But that's how it is with anything really. Like getting tattoos or a wax, i get super nervous cause i know its going to hurt but i still go through with it because i really want it even though during it I'm thinking to myself why the hell do i do this to myself. I always come up with the same answer and that is I'm not really sure. I guess you just gotta deal with pain to get things sometimes...aka like all the time for the things i want (tattoos, piercings etc.).
Now that I'm thinking about it i really i want to say that Deric is an amazing guy. He lets me talk and cuddle and he just listens and does stuff with me. It's nice.I like having someone like that. :)
But i really should be getting to bed, i have to be up early for school so goodnight.
Now that I'm thinking about it i really i want to say that Deric is an amazing guy. He lets me talk and cuddle and he just listens and does stuff with me. It's nice.I like having someone like that. :)
But i really should be getting to bed, i have to be up early for school so goodnight.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Update I Guess
Well, today has been a good day. There was a huge thunderstorm last night and it caused a power outage at the college so i did not have to go to school today. Yay! Its a good thing i signed up for texts from the weather station because the MCC website was down so i would have gone anyway if i never got a text. So i have more time to study for my math test which is always nice. I also got to lay out for a little bit because it was actually nice out besides being windy. I hung out with Deric and we just chilled then went to Lake Harbor and walked around the dunes/woods for awhile before he had to go to work. Hopefully we can go to the beach again on Monday....aka i hope its sunny, warm, and not ungodly windy. Olivia wants to get her ear pierced so I'm gonna call on Monday and see if the guy is there and if we can go in and get them done. My only worry with it is the fact that it will be on cartilage and not the lobe so it will take extra long to heal. My ears took WAY long to heal and i know cartilage already takes awhile to heal so for me it will take like five times as long then normal. BUT....I'm not allergic to cheap metal so i can wear any earring i want to without a problem. Uuuum....i don't really know what else to put here. Hm. I just felt like i hadn't updated in awhile. Probably won't this weekend cause i work all day everyday. Eh, well goodnight then.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Will It Always Be This Way
Sigh....how I'm feeling at the moment. This can just be frustrating sometimes. Especially when...well....sigh. Never mind. I've said i before and don't feel like repeating myself once more. Mildly unhappy
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Jibber Jabber
Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for just letting me babble on about my problems. Thank you for always being honest with me. You are one of the few that has always been like that and I love it. It makes me happy that you are understanding and help me and make things better. I love that about you. That and you cuddle me when I'm upset which makes me feel better and safe. I love you and i trust you. I'm sorry i have some issues here and there with myself and letting me talk about them was really nice. I tend to worry and think things and that was what i was doing. You answered my question honestly and i feel better because i know you are honest with me. I feel better now and it's all thanks to you.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Fright
I hope i didn't scare you away. I opened my mouth, and sometimes things like that come out. I'm emotional right now and i don't know why. I'm mostly scared. Really really scared.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Finally The Hell Is Over
Oh my god everyone is pregnant. Like seriously. I was just on facebook and saw yet another person i graduated that is pregnant. Oh society you have gotten mildly ridiculous.
On another note. I have decided to drop the class.....or in this case withdraw from it because I'm past the point of dropping but nothing should affect my GPA. There will just be a big fat W on my transcript. But....i do feel bad that we payed for the class and now I'm not finishing it. But i just can't deal with being up late every night in tears because I don't understand what the fuck I'm doing. I emailed him and said i was upset and that i wanted to meet. He said he did respond to my email and that i need to start giving him more information and usually he doesn't check his emails on Saturday and Sunday. I'm to the point of done. I wanted to say to him that the questions i was asking did not need any info to be given. I asked him if a certain equation was the proper one to use when finding the order of the Fe an I. WHY THE HELL DO I NEED TO SHOW WORK FOR A QUESTION LIKE THAT????? I asked him to please email me back as soon as possible because i need to know if that was the correct thing to use for that. Did he do that....nope. Yet i need to send him my work to ask if I'm using the right equation. WTF. So I'm getting up early tomorrow and going to see the counselor and the people that do the scholarships because i need to talk to both of them. And I'll be done with the hell I'm in. I'LL BE DONE. And I'll be a lot happier and not as stressed and oh just so many things. Sigh, I have to do this. It's the only option that will help me in the long run.
On another note. I have decided to drop the class.....or in this case withdraw from it because I'm past the point of dropping but nothing should affect my GPA. There will just be a big fat W on my transcript. But....i do feel bad that we payed for the class and now I'm not finishing it. But i just can't deal with being up late every night in tears because I don't understand what the fuck I'm doing. I emailed him and said i was upset and that i wanted to meet. He said he did respond to my email and that i need to start giving him more information and usually he doesn't check his emails on Saturday and Sunday. I'm to the point of done. I wanted to say to him that the questions i was asking did not need any info to be given. I asked him if a certain equation was the proper one to use when finding the order of the Fe an I. WHY THE HELL DO I NEED TO SHOW WORK FOR A QUESTION LIKE THAT????? I asked him to please email me back as soon as possible because i need to know if that was the correct thing to use for that. Did he do that....nope. Yet i need to send him my work to ask if I'm using the right equation. WTF. So I'm getting up early tomorrow and going to see the counselor and the people that do the scholarships because i need to talk to both of them. And I'll be done with the hell I'm in. I'LL BE DONE. And I'll be a lot happier and not as stressed and oh just so many things. Sigh, I have to do this. It's the only option that will help me in the long run.
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