Days Of Torture

I hate days like this, I really really do. The days when, idk, i cant find one nice thing to say about myself. The days when thoughts that just torture me are all that my mind can seem to come up with. These days just suck because they make me want to cry because i know that none of it is true, but in the past, I used to think it was so it is just hard to deal with. They mainly have stemmed from something that has recently come up once again, probably because it is around the time of year again that it happened. It was during Pops last year that someone made a bad choice, i am completely fine with what happened for the fact that i have been told the whole truth about it and for me once the truth has been told i am ok with it because no matter what it was, you had the guts to tell me(and i mean being told the truth the first time around when it is first asked). Well, lets just say that this bad choice led to some hellish drama that just ended badly, spread rumors like no other, and caused a certain ex to flip shit and start stuff. Apparently the bad choice meant that this boy had been sleeping with the girl for like four months of the boy and the ex's relationship and apparently they still were. Mind you none of this is true at all. But when a crazy person thinks it is, it gets around. Well, lets just say that these things are being said once again because Pops is coming up and memories are being jogged. But the whole thing with the apparent cheating on crap is being said once again, and the ex that believed all the lies and still does is now remembering these things and saying crap about them. Apparently she believes that the boy is probably,or already, cheating on me and that the boy is this horrible being that will some day in the future ruin my life. This all just pisses me off because i know the truth because i have been told the truth and for someone to continue to believe all the crappy lies just pisses me off. I want to just beat the crap out of them so the some sense gets nocked into them. And all of this stems back to me having the crappy day that i am because when i hear stuff like this i think back to things going on at the time, i think about people that were liked at the time, the body types and features, the styles worn etc. And this causes me to see what I'm not, and forever will not, be. I look at myself in the mirror and look at my body features. I am skinny, some say too skinny, i have hips that stick out, and i have smaller boobs. For me that one feature is my biggest insecurity and it forever will be. I like them, yet they cause me so much pain. I remember everything that i am told, one must remember this. Every story, every feeling, EVERYTHING. Once a story was told about the perfect person, which definitely was not me, mainly for the fact that the boobs were bigger. I think about these things yes, do not think down on me for them. But it also causes me to look at these people and wonder why in the world i am the one who is liked. I am not like any of them, i don't look like any of them...if anything i am the odd one out. So why? Again, don't think down on me for thinking these things. I am a girl, and one who suffered through a small degree of emotional abuse. Getting out of that kind of mindset, no matter how many compliments you are given or how many times you are told that the parts you are insecure about are perfect, is so amazingly difficult. I may leave it for a long time, but it always comes back, kinda like today. Very small detail affects me. I look at my face and see a face that i like but there seem to be so many things that could be better. I look at my pictures and others pictures and see that i am not the most photogenic person, yet they are. And this starts to bother me. It picks at my brain until i start feeling as low as dirt itself. I look at myself and think, oh, there's yet another flaw. I look at the people that were the ideal, and then i look at myself, and it is far from the ideal. I know that people think that i am perfect just the way i am, and they tell me this every day. You have no idea how wonderful this actually is for me, it makes me feel like i am worth something in the world and that when i look in the mirror what i see is the best it could ever be. But even so, my brain was permanently scard and i know that for a long time it will suffer from this scar. I know I'm told not to think this way about myself and i know that you must hate it when i do, but you have to realize that it is one of the most difficult things to do. A scar is a scar and i can honestly say that i am sorry for it, i know when it is brought up you must get annoyed and that it is probably irritating to have to say that I'm beautiful or perfect all of the time because i have this problem. I wish i didn't have this problem, i really do. I know that this is one instance in life that i can blame someone for something, and for my problem i do. You know who did it as well as i, they caused it and now i must suffer from it. And you may suufer to, i dont really know. But there are still days, kinda like today, that i just seem to hate everything about myself from head to toe, outside to inside. I hate these days...

Standout In A Sea Of Grey

So, this picture really has no relevance to what I'm going to write about...maybe it does, i don't know. It's mainly just a picture that i think is really cool and i just really like it and thought it deserved to been seen somewhere, so why not here? It does kinda remind me of all those pictures that are black and white that have that one thing colored in (I would love a program that did this cause i absolutely love black and white photography). You know, that one colored thing stands out above the rest, that's kinda how i feel this picture is. In a way it reminds me of my life right now. How tons of things are whirling around, but a few things seem to stand out. What whirls around are things like school and such. The standout things though, well at the moment there are a chunk. My family for one, my dad just moved out again for the second time, my sister is like the living devil at times so it makes home life hell...and with my dad gone it is going to get worse. With my dad being gone, my mom cries all the time, i have no car anymore so half the time now I'm fucked, and things are just weird. It kinda sucks a lot. And i wont lie, yeah, I'm angry at him. How could i not be? This is the third time he has done this and i expect him to do it again, he really has no backbone sad to say. I can only hope that we don't get put through this again, i hope he makes an actual decision and sticks with it...but, i can only hope. He wont be here for Easter either, i don't even know if he will show up for prom. I kinda don't want him to, no, i don't hate him, but I'm not very happy about this. Speaking of prom, that is another thing that is standing out, but unlike the last one, this is actually a good stand out. Me and Deric went and got his tux rented today, it was a lot of money, but i think in the end it will definitely be worth it. He is such a sweetheart about it, i couldn't have asked for a better guy. He says that prom is all about me and making the day special for me. He is even going all out for it and getting a really nice tux, paying for the tickets and dinner, and almost for the corsage and butonier until i told him that i wanted to pay for it. But he is still using the extra money from that on me, even when i tell him not too. I have my dress and i think it looks pretty. We know where we are going to dinner thanks to my friend, Olivia, who made the reservations. I know where I'm getting my hair done and nails and such. Pictures at prom are getting covered by my parents...huh, i wonder if that is still true now, we will see...Now all we need to do is buy the tickets and i need to go and order the flowers. It is all coming together nicely...oh, and i have to make sure that i for sure have that day off of work. I am like 85% sure that i do, but i wont know until i see the schedule, which i will see on Monday, so lets cross our fingers. I can't wait for prom to, not because it's "prom", but because it will be a nice dinner with friends, and i get to dance the night away with the most amazing guy in the world, a guy who i hope is actually excited for prom to. Also a guy who is more than happy to go with me because he knows it makes me happy. Gosh, Deric makes me feel so special, i have no clue how i ended up with someone as amazing as him, i don't feel like i deserve it. So Deric is another standout thing, and i know he always will be. He always makes me happy, even when I'm sad like i have been recently, he tries his hardest. I have never had someone treat me like he does before, it blows my mind half the time cause i don't know why i deserve it. I don't really think that i am that special of a person to be treated so kindly and amazingly. I'm just...me. But even so, I cant help but fall even more in love with him every day. I love him more than anything and i don't know what i would do without him. I plan on staying by his side as long as I'm around on this earth. I know I'm only 17, but, when something is right and meant to be, you just...you just know. Even at 17 you know. So, i guess for now these are the standout things in my life...lets hope if anymore come that they are good. I also gotta stop thinking things a little bit, cause i just remembered how like last week i was thinking about how amazingly life was going, i had a job, a wonderful boyfriend, i was doing great in school, it was a lot of good things...which are now all plummeting and turning out to be not so great anymore (Except the job and boyfriend...they are both still doing fine.). Damn Murphy's law. Sigh, oh well though. So i guess that is all for now, we shall see how things turn out.

Mind Games

This mind game needs to end, NOW. I absolutely HATE it. This is like the third time it has happened and I'm getting pissed. If you say you are going to leave, then just fucking do it. Don't continue to stress me and everyone else out because you keep saying you are going to leave and it's the last straw, then say oh, never mind I'm not going anymore, but i know i just put you through hell yet again...oh well. Yeah, I'm waiting for the day that this will finally be over, like, i am happily waiting for it. As horrible as that sounds. I want it to happen, why? Then all of this shit would finally be over and I wouldn't have to deal with an overwhelming amount of pain and stress. I can only put up walls for so long before i snap. And once again I put up the walls...and that's a hell of a lot of them for sure. I was prepared for the worst and i stopped feeling. Putting up that wall is hard because it is such a hard one to tear back down. Feeling goes away for days, then after awhile i get hit with a wave of emotions because the wall is finally down and this wave can be anything and it can do anything. And feelings that i want to have, ones i love and crave for, it is very hard for me to feel them, but i do feel them because i force the wall to break down just a little for these feelings because they mean the world to me. But i am just waiting for this all to happen yet again, and to yet again be filled with an overwhelming grief and pain. I just hope that the next time will be the last. I want it to end, and whatever way it does i don't care. If it ends in divorce, so be it because so far, I think that's how its going to end because nothing good is coming out of anything. If not, then good, but. As long as this mind game ends because i don't know if i can keep doing this.

Busy To No End, Sigh...

So, I haven't been able to post on here in a while because i have been so busy and tired. Work has been going well, so yay! It hasn't been to bad because the weather has been kinda crappy, and no one wants to get ice cream when its cold and rainy out, so its just been very slow. Training has been good, i think i am doing alright because no one has said I'm doing horrible yet. So I'm happy about that. School has been school, nothing horribly drama wise after the players show. Well...that is probably because i don't really talk to that person all that often anymore..the one that my last post was mainly about. So, i don't have to deal with that stress all that often. School has mainly been homework up the wazoo. It sucks. AP Lang will be the death of me, we have a paper that is due soon, and it is one that i don't have any time for, on top of an AP Gov project that is due on the same day. Plus the AP Gov practice exam is soon...so i am a little worried about it. My knee also went out the other day and it still hurts so that kinda sucks. Plus i have been so physically exhausted, this is mainly due to the fact that my period is soon and it can make me like this, but it still is really hard because i cant seem to stay awake. I also get to see Deric WAY less then i would like because when i work he doesn't and then like right when i get off he starts working....our schedules just are not working to well right now. It's very frustrating.

GAHHHHH!!!!

As i said before, this week is going to be stressful, and well, IT IS. I dont really get to spend any time with Deric, which makes me really sad because he can always calm me down and de-stress me. I really need that right now but i cant get that. Geez, all i want is for him to come here and save me, whether that means taking me away or just laying here next to me with his arms wrapped around me, i dont really care, i just want it to happen. I mean, my schedule for this week sucks so much. I work friday and saturday, we have tech week this week so a show thursday, friday, and saturday. And on top of that im supposed to be writing a research paper, which i have no clue as to when im going to write it. Plus the drama in the theater right now is so freaking insane. Little Lauren just got herself a boyfriend and has become a total bitch now. Her smart ass comments and rudeness are getting on my nerves and i really just want to slap her, tell her to shut the fuck up because people get boyfriends all the time but they dont because bitches afterwards and think they are all high and mighty(Yes some do, but im not talking about them). It is just so freaking frustrating when your trying to work with them. Sunday needs to get here is all i can say, cause then i will be in Deric's arms and everything will be ok.

Something Special

So, I cant even begin to describe how special tonight was or how much you mean to me. I never ever thought i would see that, never in a million years could i even begin to describe. It was, I'm tongue tied for words right now. Something special is all i can really put it as. This week is a hell week, on top of a massive AP Lang homework load, on top of a research project, on top of starting my new job...in other words this week is one hell of a stressful week. Yet, I just learned and saw something tonight that i cant even begin to put into words how they made me feel. I learned that my future will be with the most amazing guy ever, someone who treats me like i am the most amazing thing in the world every single day, someone who misses me when i leave even if we have only been apart for a few hours, someone who will do anything just to be with me and see me for a few minutes, someone who loves me more than anything in the entire world and isn't afraid to show it every time i am with him, someone who wants everything to be perfect for as long as we live, and finally, someone who i want to be with forever and who wants that just the same. Deric, I love you more than i can even put into words. Never have I felt this way about someone. Every time we are together it just feels so right and everything in my body says it is right and that you will be by my side forever. And this makes me more happy than you will ever know. I love you and i forever and always will. This may seem a little cliche, but i love you so much that it almost feels like my heart will burst.
I am not the most devout christian in this world, but what more can i say? Thank you God for Deric, for everything you have done between us. You made everything happen for a reason and the reasons may all not be 100% clear, but some are and i thank you for them. Thank you for having my subconscious be aware of everything that it needed to be, and thank you for letting it know what was right in the end. Thank you so so much.
Now on to the last chunk of what i said. I wont say exactly what because i don't know who all reads this blog, but for that reason all i can say is this, I never expected that...I never ever did. But it showed so so much, just how much i meant to you, and that alone meant so much. Tonight was something that will remain in my head for a long long time. It was just that special. To end this post i will say this and this alone: I have found the man of my dreams, i can now stop searching and be forever happy. I love you Deric. <3 <3 <3

What We "Know" And What We Really Know

Why is it that people try to start things or ruin things with information that they think they know. I mean, if you really really want to start something make sure your info is 100% accurate so that what you are saying doesn't come back and bite you in the butt. Also, if you are really trying to end something, again make sure your information is right. This goes mainly for the people who are REALLY supposed to know EVERYTHING about someone, and then you get a message that is the biggest and fattest lie on earth, and they believe every word of it. It seems so silly to me personally. Mainly for the fact that it is the stupidest thing ever and it kind pisses me off because this is where rumors get started and this is where peoples lives get fucked up. It has happened to me countless times and it has happened to other people i care about as well. Its just stupid crap like this that kinda makes me want to punch people. Sigh...

Eyes

Eyes are said to be the door to our souls, and i believe it. This is so because even when we are trying to fake our emotions or try to hide them...our eyes can give it all away every single time. And even when we are not trying to hide anything at all, our eyes give away the intensity of what we are feeling and they can show us if what we are talking about is something that we truly care about. This really just popped into my mind because i saw this today. I truly saw what "I love you" looks like through the minds eye (Or just the eyes whichever works). But, all i can say is that it was the most heartwarming look in the world. It was kind, loving, gentle, it was everything amazing about love wrapped into one. It was, an unforgettable look, and a look that showed me how much i was truly loved.

Happy Happy Happy!!!

So I just got a call from Frosty Oasis, and i got the job!!! Even though i just felt like i wasn't going to get it, i did!!! Now I'm nervous because the guy did say that if i didn't get the hang of it fast enough they would let me go, i mean they do this for anyone who doesn't get it fast enough, but I'm really nervous now. But besides being nervous I'm soooooo happy!! I actually have a real job now, not the random odd jobs here and there like im doing for spring break, yeah, my spring break consists of working random jobs, getting payed VERY well yes, but it isnt something i can rely on. Babysitting and yard work doesnt cut it. But now I can actually start saving up for things and ill actually have a little bit of money. Im just happy to have a job. Now me and Deric will be dinner and dessert. :D

The Subconscious Know All

Its kinda funny, our subconscious is something that seems to know everything. It knows what is best for us and it knows exactly what we should do. It even tells us these things, though, the way it tells us is in a way that isn't as direct as we would want. It tends to tell us in dreams. And as we all know, dreams are things that are up for interpretation and at times can mean just about anything. But besides those dreams it also has those that mean a specific thing, you just have to realize that meaning. For me, i can say that i have had many of these dreams. Some more recent then others, but they all have meant the same thing, even when i least expected it. One dream in particular was one that i had had years ago, and this was when i was still dating my ex and it wasn't that far into the relationship. I had this dream that i was in a bed with some other guy, i saw his body but never saw his face. I had this dream a couple of times. This was my brain saying that i wasn't meant to be with who i was with at the time. Why do i know this? Because the body i saw, the person i had dreamt about, well it was Deric. How do i know this? Well once i saw Deric in his swim trunks, it became very clear that the body i saw was his. Second dream i can say that pertains to this, there was this clock. It had the little hand on the 3 and the big hand was going between the 1 and the 3, the thing is, it would go forward, but then jump back and it couldn't go forward. What this dream was was hard to understand at first, but then it became very clear. It was telling me that who i was with was bad for me because in that relationship i couldn't move forward, it only kept bringing me back, moving on with my life wasn't going to happen unless i got out of that relationship immediately. Which i did after that because i wasn't going to ignore something that huge. If my brain knew enough was enough, then it was. And thirdly, this dream is one that I'm not going to really describe, mainly for the reason that it is kinda personal and it really showed what my heart wants. But in this dream, Deric was there and we were talking, just talking and then he gave me a list of things and then suddenly at the end of this list he said something that even made my dream me have to do a double take. Even my subconscious me did a double take because it was such a big thing and it surprised even my subconscious mind, the mind that put it into the dream! But, i can say that this dream was pretty dead on, because i have had things like it before, accept they haven't exactly been in a dream. Sitting in Deric's car once and again we were just talking and i looked at him, looked away, but when i looked back I didn't see Deric how he is now, i saw him about 10 years older. I saw other things, but those are just for me to know, but i can say that it was in the backseat. But it was just strangely reassuring and...nice. Seeing him like that, it almost said hey, you'll still be doing this in about 10 years so don't worry about a thing, he will still be there and you'll both love each other just as much as you do now. Its just, our subconscious is something that i think people take for granite. It is definitely worth listening to because it is usually 100% spot on. But before i end this post, i do want to say that I love Deric very very much. He is for sure the best thing that has ever happened to me. He always makes me happy and he is happy to just be with me. He misses me when I'm gone, and i miss him just as much. Its so easy to talk to him and he understands most everything i have to say and he actually listens to me. He comforts me when I'm sad and tries to make it better. Plus, hes willing to sacrifice things to just be with me and when he cant see me as often, he tries to take every second that he can to see me. Also, he tells me how much he loves me every time we are together and this means sooo much to me, why? Well when you love someone as much as I love him, its amazing to know that the feeling is mutual and that he loves you just as much back. Deric is such an amazing guy and I love him so much, so very much.

Why So Hard?

So, this doesnt pertain to me, but its just something i have been wondering that pertains to a lot of other people. Why is love such a difficult thing? I cant say i havent done any of this before, but for one, why is it that when people see their relationships crumbling, they continue to try and make it work? All it does is hurt the people in the relationships, and it gets you now where. Second, why is it that when people break up becuase they arent working out and it was an unhealthy relationship to begin with, why is it that they want to get back together with the other? Usually it is only one or the other that wants this, not usually both from what i have experienced, but why do this to yourself? All it does is hurt you and it for sure doesnt help with getting over the person you just left. Thirdly, why is it that people give others hope by doing things they shouldnt even when they know that for sure they dont want to ever be with them again? Fourth, why is it that people think that doing sexual things with people will help ease the pain? It never ever does, so why do they still do it? And lastly, why get into a relationship that you know wont ever last or rush things to much so that the relationship ends as ubruptly as it started? These all just kinda make me wonder because all of the people that i know have done one of these and as i said before i have done a few as well. But why cant people just understand that doing these things never works? Will we ever learn?

What Life Has To Bring

I don't really have a specific thing to really talk about, but i just kinda have a lot of random things on my mind right now i guess. One is my family, more specifically...my sister. She has been nothing but a living hell, not to be mean or anything, but i really have nothing nice to say. Try living with someone who will absolutely NOT listen to you or anyone for that matter. Someone who is a total drama queen...but times that by like 50 and you get my sister. Something small turns into a massive meltdown that ends up with her screaming and bitching and crying about who knows what, and then having my mother yelling at her on top of that. Also, this prevents our home from EVER being quiet. Yeah, try living someplace that is never ever quiet, ever. The only time it ever is is if you are home alone, or if its just me and my dad and sometimes my brother. But other then that, it never is. We never have a quiet night either, why? Because my mom and sister are usually yelling at each other. It just so...frustrating, irritating, and just down right angering. I just want a quiet home that is peacful and enjoyable to be at with people that i enjoy being around. And my mom wonders why i spend so much time away from home. Sigh, its frustrating. Lets see, the second thing, right now i think its just the fact that im STILL jobless and im at that point to where i really want one, i had an interview and all..but im not getting my hopes up. I just feel like i wont get it, which will suck butt, but what can i do. It is kinda depressing me a crap ton and idk, ive just been feeling lonely lately. All of my friends are gone for spring break, i mean like ALL of them, and i am the only one left here. On top of that Deric works all week so im stuck alone, barely getting to see him, or anyone for that matter, and im all by myself. Stuck at home with my family, that as you can see....i really dont want to be around. I just, im not in the best of moods right now because i want to really enjoy myself, but that cant really happen. Im just frustrated and confused and really lonely. :/