Thousands

So, there is definitely a song that i think is associated with the Twilight movies but i really love the song and think its really cute, its called A Thousand Years. They even played it at work today. They play a lot of things at work that you wouldn't think you'd here there like Panic at the Disco and Nickelback. Works enjoyable though, hectic tonight cause i was watching the desk, making a sign...which i didn't finish unfortunately  and was covering paint. And yes i know how to mix paint, i feel awesome that i can do that. My hours are getting better, i took a half hour lunch today because coverage was really bad. So that's more hours for me, yay. If i do that tomorrow ill hit pretty close to or exactly 20 hours this week....that's a lot more then i was originally scheduled for. Which is a really really good thing because the more hours the better to me. I don't really know what else to put here, hmmm. I think I'm gonna go make some tea, watch a bit of TV, then read some more of my Humanities book cause we have a test on that chapter next week and i need to read it. Today was a pretty decent day. Tomorrow should hopefully be to. I'm not sure if Deric still wants to price something tomorrow or not...he probably does....but it'll be interesting.

Lifeline

I just want to know that no matter how much i screw up and how much i may seem like a nut case, i want to know that your still going to stick by my side and be with me every step of the way. Cause i feel like because  i may be hard to deal and a handful sometimes, idk why, but lately i feel like you talk to me less or at least call me less then you used to. I assume it just has to do with how work is like usual, i just hope i didn't do something wrong is all. I do want to talk to you, we need to talk if I'm going to get any kind of help, and i hope that when we do you understand. I hope you accept everything that i am and apparently everything that may be wrong with me. I would really like to talk to you tonight, but i dont know if thatll happen, if i doesn't ill call you when i get outta work tomorrow and i will see you Thursday before i go in. But...it would be nice to hear your voice before i go to bed.

About To Blow

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I don't know if i am depressed or have some problem, i have no idea. Sometimes, the anger that is inside me is so strong i don't know what to do. But i'm not always like this, I'm usually not like this actually. It wasn't until my dad did the whole I'm not happy with your mom, I might move out, maybe divorce thing again. I was ok, i was dealing with my own problems and stress, maybe not always the best ways, but i did my best. I've tried to steer away from the things that made me angry, and most of them i have that i can get away from. There are ones that i can't avoid though, like what goes on in my home. That's where most of this is coming from. Sometimes though the stress of school and work and homework gets to me and that's when Deric will see me brake down a bit. That's usually just stress though because school gets to you.
Then the whole having no friends in town thing gets to me to BUT I am making friends in town like Alexis, I'm so proud of myself for that. I met with her today and had lunch at Hobo's. It was nice and we are going to do it again and hopefully get Cassie and Derek to come along to.
I hold things in, i don't talk, and that's because sometimes i think that maybe if i don't talk about it maybe it'll go away. It is such a childish way of thinking, but i wish it were true. If i don't talk about it sometimes i forget about it and the pain of it doesn't hit me then....and i would prefer it to not hit me at all....so it stays inside me. But then it all blows up at me when something triggers it. Yesterday it was Deric talking about the plans he made for his birthday if he doesn't get vacation that day. That was the trigger and i went off and then shut up and didn't talk. That is a whole other thing we need to talk about, but i don't like to because me being uncomfortable with things and insecure makes Deric frustrated and angry i think, because he doesn't understand why i feel this way. I can't make him understand, i can try, but i understand it's frustrating. I would be frustrated if i were you too. The only thing i ask is that you work with me and help me.
This anger though, i don't understand it. Sometimes it gets so strong that all i want to do is punch something. I want to yell and scream and hit something just to get it out. But I don't obviously. But my problem with it is that sometimes human contact makes me angrier inside. Like the other night.....Deric was kinda cuddling me....and i wanted to punch the wall.....it has nothing to do with him though, just know that. Its just the contact. But i need human contact, i need to be loved and cuddled. It keeps me sane. No i will not go to a therapist, because they don't know me, they don't understand. I will get through this anyway i have to but mark my word...i will get through this.

Never Understanding

GAH! Right now is not a good moment. I feel so....idk...down. Honestly its an insecure moment. I feel kinda ugly, outta shape, the works really. Funny thing though...i didn't think about my boobs until right now. I guess i leave one insecurity and go to the next. I hate moments like this, especially when i just kinda had a small melt down about the shit going on at home again. Apparently that means i am full of anger and need immediate therapy. Fuck that. Try going through this shit and not being angry..hard to do. I just try and channel my feelings into other things like studying, work, school, grades, Deric, etc. Sometimes i don't have the opportunity to channel it and it just comes rushing out. But now I'm feeling down on myself. Looking at pictures and realizing that I'll never be like some people....idk why this bothers me sometimes cause i should just want to be me...i see the beautiful hair, perfect skin, gorgeous makeup, perfect bodies, and obviously big boobs to but as of right now that doesn't bother me like it did before. I mean, i just chopped my hair off..i don't have long luscious thick hair, that's just not how my hair is. I don't have perfect skin....i hope that stops soon enough though. I have no clue how to even put on makeup, lol, not that that is a problem cause i don't like a face full of makeup, its annoying and bothersome. Idk, it is just one of those days. I'm also bothered by my ear piercings because i don't think they are healing...and that upsets me. Sigh....I'm just gonna go and do some homework or something......

Things Need To Heal

I want my ears to heal. Or at least the left one cause the right one seems to be doing ok. But i want to be able to wear earrings, really bad. I want to get other ear piercings too......and if these don't work then piercings are out for me. That would suck butt. I want piercings!

All Cute Smiles And Whatnot

You were so nice today. I have a smile on my face, i mean, i usually do but i am just telling you this time. Shopping, watching the movie, me just doing my homework, eating, etc...Idk, it was nice, calm, you were so kind, caring, cute. I could go on. Thank you for a really good day Deric, I love you so much. You make me so happy. :)))

No Comment

Again. My brother is tearing up and he won't talk about it. WTF is wrong with this family and this world. I don't understand anymore. I don't want to, but i do because i need to.

AWKWARD AS F***

Why do i feel like I'm getting into that position again? Why do i feel like it? I'm feeling awkward as fuck right now, so awkward. On top of that it isn't that i don't want to talk to you about certain things, its that i feel like it will lead down a road i do not want to go again. I feel like I'm betraying someone if i talk. I know why you did what you did just now, i know, but did you actually have to do that? No. You could have kept that to yourself, instead, you didn't. And i feel like im intruding. On something that will maybe blow up in my face later. I get both sides, and i can't do anything about it. I can't say one thing to one person and another to the other. I'm in the hole again, or the ground beneath is slowly sinking, and whether it caves in or gets filled up is up to you guys. Not me, do not put me in the middle of this again. 

F.R.U.S.T.R.A.T.E.D

I'm feeling frustrated. With school, with work, with my home, with everything in general. I don't really know why but the past couple days I've felt overwhelmed and annoyed. Then i get frustrated. I work all week, and as i am now at the service desk i get people angry at me a lot. Plus there is this whole problem with my hours. I think what i was fearing is happening and i don't know what to do. Honestly if it keeps up i might go back to being a cashier or just head to a sales department. School just has so many freakin papers i have to write and not enough time. I need to study, yet i still have such little time. My house frustrates me because half the time everyone either keeps me up or wakes me up, people are loud and obnoxious during the day, and lilly has a habit of being obnoxiously loud when she doesn't feel good or when she is unhappy...which happens to be just about every other day. Idk sometimes

Kinda Unhappy Rant

Today has been so much better than yesterday. That was a baaaad day. I did a 360 in the road and ended up facing the oncoming traffic. I got stuck in a traffic jam and ended up being 15 minutes late for work. I wanted to go see Deric, but got stuck at the end of his road so that didn't happen. Then i got stuck at the end of my own driveway and ended up having to shovel it with Cameron because our snow blower is broken. About halfway through our neighbor came over with his snow blower and helped us. Thank god for kind people. Also, after my whole 360 deal i was crying and shaking really bad as i backed up and turned around and continued to the college, and i had to go take a chemistry test when i got there. It was a really hectic day. Today i really wanted to skip my theater appreciation class, but i didn't. When class ended my professor told all 11 of us who showed up that on Monday we didn't have to come to class and the questions that were due we could turn in on Wednesday instead of Monday. All because we went to class. For once in my life going to school every day has payed off. 

Also, on March 4th I'm getting another tattoo. Yay! I was supposed to go with Kat because it was her spring break. We talked about what day would be best, i told her it will probably happen on the Monday she said OK. I told her when i was going to make the appointment. So, Wednesday i went to AWOL and made our appointment. I found out that there is a required $20 deposit now and you do not get it back once you pay it. I payed for Kat's. My gift to her. So i texted her and told her the time and who it would be with. She said she had class till 1, and i told her no she didn't it was her spring break. She then is like oh yeah, but I'm going to Alabama. I am like...go later that night after you get the tattoo. She then says that can't happen and she wants to get the tattoo but i should reschedule. Right then i got pissed because we had talked about this already and she knew i was making the appointment and she knew what day it was for...but she didn't tell me anything. PLUS i payed $20 bucks for her! I rescheduled her appointment cause I'm not waiting. I told her she has to go or she owes me money. If she ends up chickening out, then ill just get my peace sign finished. I payed for two tattoos anyway. Might as well use it if it doesn't get used like it should. 

Tomorrow I'm going to the symphony, and hopefully seeing Eric because tickets for Wicked are going one sale in like 6 days and i have no idea whats going on and he wont get back to me. He texted me telling me he would tell me later cause he was busy....he never did. 

It's kinda hard to not see why I sometimes feel lonely. My friends either don't tell me kinda important things or they wont talk to me. Livi always gets back to me....so does Franny. Andrea if i message her on facebook. I haven't heard from Jaclyn in months. I wish they were here though. 

Gettin It Done

Wow, if you aren't the perfect person for me than there isn't one out there for me. Why you said you weren't angry was well, incredible to me. You don't want to be mad at me because you don't like to be mad at me, i don't like being mad at you either just so you know, and it isn't worth it getting angry over the little things like that. You said were are perfectly fine and not to worry about what i did. I still promise not to do it again. But Deric, you really mean a lot to me. You treat me in a way that amazes me because you always make me feel good about everything. And you work with me and deal with me and help me when i need it. You have a lot of patience. At least with me.Thank you.

Most of my homework is done for this weekend. Thank god.....helps to have it done when you work everyday all day the entire weekend. Just gotta go over my political science paper and fix some stuff and study for my Humanities test on Monday. I have SO much training to do at work....its ridiculous.

Bright side, i have my summer school schedule figure out for the most part, i just need to pick one of 3 options i have which will be the hardest part now. I may end up taking a night class to to get things to work but hey....i can do this.