I'm A Good Girlfriend

Well, like the title says, I'm a good girlfriend. So, this weekend has kinda been the kinda weekend where I am just not really in the mood to be around people. There are a select few i care to be around, and i just like being either with them or alone. Kat was going to have another movie party again tonight and I thought about going, but i was just not in the mood to socialize with people, even my good good friends. But i didn't want to sit on my butt at home, and i was kinda in the mood to do something, so I went over to Deric's house while he was at work and still is, and i cleaned his room. It was getting messy and i felt like it was a good thing to do and i actually enjoy cleaning now and then and i got to be by myself with music playing so it actually was quite enjoyable for me. His room is REALLY clean to. I put all the dirty clothes downstairs, so he actually has a LOT of laundry to do but other then that not much cause his rooms clean, cleaned up the garbage, tidied up papers and just the little messy things, i actually dusted a bit of stuff that REALLY needed it, changed his sheets cause i remembered he had said he needed to do that but hadn't yet, vacuumed everywhere, and in the end it looks super nice and super clean. I do hope he likes it.

Before Tree Begins...

To start off, I probably wont be on much this next week because it is Tree week so i will be at the Frauenthal all week, but ill post a picture of the tree on here because it is pretty sweet, and we are going to be on TV on December 10th at 10pm on TLC. So cool! We are getting to be on a program about extreme trees and since it is the tallest Singing Christmas tree in the world, we get to be on TV. Everyone in tree is excited to see it.
But life right now has been kinda interesting with a lot of ups and downs.
Ups:
Got to spend the night at Deric's again, it was really nice cause we actually slept ALL night long and went to bed at like 10:30ish. We cuddled all night long. It was so nice. He got us some water in the middle of the night because we both woke up really thirsty, then i ended spilling it all over myself cause i didn't realize how full it was. That was nice cause my shirt was soaking wet then. But it was really really nice. Deric also got to go to Thanksgiving with my family after having to convince my aunt. My family is kinda weird about things like that. Basically they believe if you are not living with your significant other you aren't serious. Which is so not true, me and Deric are very serious...and i think my aunt finally realized that so he got to go which was really nice. I got to hang out with my friends the other night watching movies, having a girls night is quite enjoyable. Oh, i also was able to get some Christmas shopping for myself done, as selfish as that sounds. lol, but me and my mom recently went to wet seal and a lot of the clothes i had previously wanted but didn't have the money for were on the sale and on the buy one get one for a penny rack. I was so excited. I got them all for really cheap and they look good. Plus i also found a pair of heels. They are tall, but cute and I'm excited about them. I never get new shoes, or at least new fancy shoes, so its a big deal to me. Plus i am also getting farther on one of Deric's Christmas gifts, which i hope he likes. I need to figure out what else to get him, or he needs to tell me what he wants. I kinda have another idea of something i could make, but i don't know exactly how I'm going to do it and make it how I'm thinking it in my head. I need to figure that out, and go to Hobby Lobby....they will give me good ideas. Something i do want to do though is take pictures in winter time, i like the look of the snow and the snow flakes falling in the pictures, i think its cute. I wanted to talk to Dawn and see if she could do some..but i don't think that's going to happen after last night. But ill figure something out cause i haven't taken any pictures in a long long while, so it needs to happen cause I'm having ideas and withdrawals.
Downs:
Well, like i had said i had a girls night the other night with my friends. Well during that i got a phone call from Dawn, she wanted to talk to me. So i went and met her at the Plaza parking lot, and as soon as i got there i regretted saying that i could talk. Its wasn't just her, it was her, her boyfriend, and Amelia. The last person i wanted to see. They wanted to break it to me that they were all moving in with each other come January, mind you Amelia is still in high school and one hell of a big whore. I think its the worst idea ever, but that s what they wanted to tell me but i had to tell them i already knew, as did the whole school. It just really awkward from there and i wanted to leave and be near people i liked again. I know in a sense i lost Dawn as a friend because i cant hang with her without Amelia being there, but after last night, I'm starting to be ok with it. I just felt weird being near them all, and i didn't want to feel that, so I'm actually starting to be ok with the idea of not being in that group of people anymore. I know that i have better people in my life then that. I have my big group of friends and i have Deric, those are the important people in my life. I don't need to deal with those whom i really cant stand and or don't care for anymore. I, well more like me and Deric, had a slight scare the other day, not going to say what it was, but for now its nothing to worry about it, but i still need to watch it cause there is still a possibility. So we are kinda dealing with that to, and i guess my feelings on it are a little confused. I know that i could handle it if that happened, i mean i would be rather upset for a long while, but i would definitely get over it. I asked Deric what he would do if it happened, and he gave an answer that i was happy with. I just needed to know that he would be there for me and help me through it. That he wouldn't run and leave me and that he would still love me even if that happened. Sometimes i feel like though that Deric might be angry at me or be unhappy if that happened, i know he wouldn't but sometimes the way he expresses the fact that its a negative makes me feel that way. That and i don't know how I'd feel about getting huge....it would be weird and i think I'd feel ugly a bit. Just, I'm rather skinny...so going from that to huge would be a shocker. My house has also been a bit crazy as of late. People yelling a lot more and what not and that stresses me out to a degree cause i like the quiet at times.
So, there is all that stuff. I feel like i had more to say, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm listening to a really bad remix right now that's on the radio. Um, if i have more ill post something else.

The Lets Punch People In The Face Kinda Day

Today has just not been going well for me, besides my morning which was wonderfully wonderful. Which consisted of me having a reverse have day which basically means we go to school at noon. So i got up at about 8:30am got ready, went and woke Deric up and we went to the Cherokee for breakfast again. That is always so much fun, i like breakfast with him. I got a stack of pancakes...we didn't know how big their pancakes were...so i got 3....they are like the size of a dinner plate. I couldn't eat them all. But that's ok. Then we went back to his house, cuddled, did some stuff, napped kinda, then in a way everything was suddenly quiet. Our talking, gestures, tone, it all was a kind of gentle, soft, loving quiet. It was in a way cute. I then headed to school and then school was school. I then had to set up for Coffeehouse, which is where my day started going down hill. Hal my stuff was ready and together, but the rest had to be done with a crescent wrench. Which no one happened to have. At all. So i was stuck, frustrated, and a little annoyed with the fact that i had no way to get anything finished. But luckily Deric showed up and saved the day. He helped me with my stuff, and we got it set up. But then we had a cable go weird and short things out and shock things and smoke and that was frustrating. Then he left for work and i eventually left to pick up my sister. Then i headed home, made my own dinner so i got dinner, then went to my therapy appointment. Mind you through all of this my mom and dad are arguing about who knows what. My mom gets into a pissy mood and blah blah blah. I get to my therapy session, frustrated, annoyed, and irked. Then guess what! She double booked that time...so i get to go in tomorrow after out half day. This is after she has cancelled on me twice already...making me really not want to go......then i just go back to the school, my mom drops me off and is just pissed about who knows what. I get to the school and the bad cable from before has shorted the circuit. Joy, that takes forever to fix, then sound has a bad cable and has to fix it. I'm just not happy by this point. Then i go to take my birth control...an guess what. I fucking hate people. Someone stole it out of my bag. It is no where to be seen. I just got so pissed and angry and frustrated because i don't need to get pregnant right now, not for awhile longer...like many years longer....and it isn't just all this that's making me upset. Its the fact that my mom and sister have been pissy the whole entire week, after my chiropractor appointment last week my back has been hurting so bad and i don't know why. Like it was ok before i went, now it hurts to the point where i just want to lay down, like I'm sitting here typing this and it hurts, really bad. To the point i may stop here soon cause it hurts to much. My week hasn't been totally bad though, i mean the other night Deric tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight and it was so nice and i wish he could do it every night. And we were talking about how he isn't going to the dance anymore but gets to instead spend time with me every day next week for a couple hours and he said hes excited about it. I am to because i love spending time with him, and when he said that i felt so nice inside. He still loves seeing me and he cares so much. I mean, I'm still upset about the dance cause everyone is talking about it now and i keep hearing songs i think would be nice to dance to, and i know we wont be able to go to envy for a long while....so i don't know. Ill deal though. I was also able to finally convince my aunt to let Deric go to Thanksgiving with us so yay!! I just, i don't know, I'm a mix of emotions right now. Happy, excited, angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, content, peaceful, fed up, its a lot of stuff. Also i found out recently that my once friend is moving in with Dawn and her boyfriend so now i feel like i lost another friend because i cant ever hang out with Dawn anymore because the one girl will be there and i don't like her at all anymore and never again will. I keep losing people and i hate it. I went through this once before and i would like to not go through it again. I wanted to see if maybe she would do me a favor but now i don't even think its worth asking, i just feel like our friendship has gotten awkward almost. Gah, life, stop messing with me and the people i care about. I would apreciate it.

So Many...

I don't even know what exactly to say here, i just have way to much to say, to much to get out on here, so much flowing through my mind that it almost seems impossible to get it all down. A lot has happened in a day, a lot.....For one, as it seems life is the most unfair thing on this planet. I sadly can relate this to a quote that is on a bathroom stall at school. "No one dies a virgin cause life fucks you over." I'm starting to wonder what degree of truth there is in this saying. Why is it always the people that have worked so hard and are struggling and are hurting that get screwed over? Why? Does life just enjoy making cruel jokes? Things like this make it so easy to believe in an evil, cause dear lord, it seems to be having its sick twisted fun. You see, Deric's mom had been laid off for some time and had finally gotten another job. This was a good thing because they had been struggling for money for bills and whatnot and Deric was the really only source of income. So her getting a job I think took a weight off his shoulders so he could not worry as much. But guess what? Life is such a bitch, she just got laid off again. Now Deric is looking for a second job and hes stressing out and worried yet again. A second job would be so hard for and on him, i know he wouldn't ever get much sleep and it would be stressful. He wouldn't have a life....Deric deserves to have a little fun in his life, and all of that is being taken away from him. He should be able to live without this on his shoulders, a person can only take so much and i cant bare to see him hurting. I know if he got a second job we would rarely see each other. That would be hard for us both. Then it seems to take other fun things out of life as well. He had promised me that he would go to the Christmas dance with me at my school, which happens to be the weekend after tree, Eric wanted him to do tree but he said no because he was going to the dance with me because he is not going to be able to get two weekends off in a row. But then this happened, and Eric can promise him a large amount of hours which means more money then he would normally make in a week at work. So to get the needed extra money, he is going to work tree, but that means no dance. Now, i love going to dances/dancing with him and this meant a lot to me and Deric knows this full well. He feels terrible for not being able to go, but what can you do? Things happen in life and there is nothing you can do about it even if you wanted to. "Things happen, it's ok, don't worry about it." All my answers to this switch in plans. But i will say this, yes i am hurt a lot, I want to go dance so badly with you, and it has been taken away from me. But that is not your fault, you cant control life, no one can. I am so very disappointed, yes. It hurts. I now have a dress that i am wondering what to do with now because i cant wear it to anything else now...it has no purpose anymore. I'm sad, for many things at the moment yes, but still. But you want to know what makes this all ok? You want to know? You didn't tell me you cant go because you just don't want to, you didn't say no because you didn't like dances and just didn't want to go with me, you never blew me off about this dance. I think you may have wanted to go to. You said you cant because life took a turn for the worst and you have to do what you have to do to keep your house, your everything. You took it to help out your mom, you took it because you had to. You were responsible, an adult, so very strong in my eyes, i honestly don't know how you can stay so strong. You said you couldn't go for the only perfect reason out there. So its ok. I may be hurt, but not as much as i could be. You are an amazing person, you are so so strong, you take so much on your shoulders that you shouldn't have to yet you do. You look out for your mom when you are old enough that you shouldn't have to. I can only hope that the reason Deric's mom has been laid off again is that there is something far better for her out there waiting. I can only hope. There are so many emotions running through me right now, its crazy. It's hard. But i do want Deric to know that i will always be there for him, no matter how tough life may get. I will always love him no matter what. Always.

Tid Bits Of Life

Well...i have just been thinking about a lot of random little things for like the past week...so hear they are so i can get them straight and figure stuff out here.
1. I am realizing that as a senior my life is going to really start picking up the pace and things are going to be moving faster then they normally do once i graduate. I want to be able to have the option to move out of my house, i want/need to get a car, i want to be independent. I want a job, very badly, so that all this can start happening. I want to get the ball rolling with my life and have it start moving. I am actually really starting to be ok and wanting the real world....kinda. I just, i want to be able to live my life how i want it, do what i want to do and not have to tell someone where I'm going and when ill be at places and who I'm with...i don't want to have to be under a parental supervision anymore. I want to be me finally.
2. I have just really been in the mood to dance lately. Like...its really bad. I have actually been considering taking dance classes or even joining Maddie for dance. I just would really love to be able to dance well, i just...reeeeeaaalllyyy want to dance.
3. Thanksgiving is annoying me cause my moms side of the family has problems when it involves having a boyfriend or girlfriend coming to a family event such as Thanksgiving. They always seem to view it as if it isn't serious they aren't part of the family. Which makes me wonder because me and Deric have been dating for over a year now and me and him both know that this is a serious relationship. My mom was talking to me and she said that she can see that me and him are serious, but my aunt doesnt see it. If we arent living together it isnt serious. That and since Maddie has a new boyfriend about every month or couple monthes now they dont want her bringing all these new guys in so that means Deric cant go either cause if he goes it is only fair if Maddies boyfriend can go. This just really frustrates me.
4. I need to ask Dawn about something because i am having picture withdrawals and i eaither want to be able to take some soon...or once the snow comes have her take some that i have in mind. But i gotta ask her first.
5. Exams are here and ive already taken 2 1/2 of them, and im nervous as to what i got in AP chemistry. I have Ap li and Ap calculus tomorrow. Wish me luck.
6. I am ill right now, i always get ill. I dont like calling it sick cause saying ill just sounds cooler. So im all nyquiled up so i can sleep at night without coughing my lungs up.
7. As always i have a wonderful boyfriend. I cant say that enough. I love you Deric.

There is more to say, much more. But the nyquil is kicking in and im passing out. So more in the future to come. Goodnight

Oh Busy Busy Life

Well this is a picture of the set of the play i have been working all week. Tech week is finally over though and life once more goes back to normal...well...whatever you consider normal to be for my life. I don't know why but my camera wasn't doing well with the quality of this picture so sorry it looks kinda bad. 

But out of tech week and into....Exam week!! Yay...not really....actually not yay at all. All of my hard exams are this week and I'm kinda worried a lot about them. Deric told me not to freak out because he knows i can do it and he said he wouldn't say that if he didn't believe it. Which makes me happy and believe that i can do it. But I'm still worried.

Me and him both just got our tattoos finished. Ill put pictures of them up later on when they all have completely healed and look their best.

So yesterday was kinda scary in some aspects. The morning was fine, i went to an art museum then went over to Deric's. We cuddled all morning and half the afternoon before he had to go to work. It was nice, i love cuddling with him and i missed it a lot. Then we went to take a shower and that's when things got weird. He was washing me up as i had just washed him, you know being all cute and all both of us, but as he was washing me i started to feel really weird, like my stomach didn't feel well and then suddenly nothing felt right. Deric i think must have noticed something wasn't right because he asked me if i was ok, i didn't answer cause i honestly couldn't and didn't know how to. I thin he may have turned my head towards him to see if i was ok, but then i finally was able to say something and that was that i needed to sit down. If you have ever passed out that's what was i think happening because my vision got all funny and i couldn't really see well anymore, kinda like if you get up to quickly from sitting down. Deric was holding me because he was going to help me sit down but i honestly just kinda crumpled. I sat on the shower floor and i think he made the water cooler to help me out. He then got out of the shower and quickly dried off after he put a towel around me and helped me out. That was scary, and i feel bad that Deric had to see me like that cause i honestly don't know what exactly happened. I think it may have been because i hadn't eaten a whole lot yet that day...but from not eating a lot that hasn't happened before. So I'm not totally sure. Deric was a great help though, and i know i scared him because he kept saying i better not fall down like that again. I do really love him, more then i can put into words. He helps me at my worst, like this time.  

But i mean, other then these not so good things, this morning with Deric was really nice. We cuddled more and I just grow to love him more and more. I want to be with him as long as i live, i cant imagine life without him. I really cant. He makes me feel absolutely amazing about myself, even when i feel ugly. He makes me smile whenever i think about him, and i love hearing his voice. His smile melts my heart and some of those looks he gets in his eyes, i cant even begin to describe how they make me feel. He calms me down when i need it, helps me up when i fall, and makes me smile when I'm crying. He compliments me, calls me lovely, cute, adorable, he makes me feel alive, like i can go through each day and know that no matter how it turns out there will be someone there who loves me no matter what. I love him so very very much.

The First Snow Has Fallen

Yay, the first snow of the season has come. It isn't sticking to the ground or anything yet, and its rather nasty and wet outside, but that means that the real snow is coming soon. I don't really enjoy this in between faze, i like real snow. But I'm happy about this because i really do like winter. I like how it makes everything nice and cozy inside, how it makes everything look just beautiful outside, and how you can go sledding and play in the snow and everything has a freshness to it. It also is very calm and peaceful. And it has the best holidays in it as well, or at least the ones that i think have the nicest feeling to them. Winter has come at last.
I haven't been on here much this week because i have been doing the tech week for a show at my school called Lost In Yonkers, I'm doing the lighting for the play and it has turned out really nice. I'm really happy with it and proud of it...even if it simple and only for a box set which is the easiest set to light. I still am happy though, i got it all done on time, no worries, everything is perfect, in cues, and ready to go. I mean yeah i have basically been at the school from 6:30 am to 9:30pm each day all week....so you can kinda see why i haven't had much time, but i love doing theatre, its a second home to me. Today we had our opening night and everything tech wise went perfectly fine...its just the people i have to deal with that make me pissed and make the show not run well. I have a girl who was supposed to be my assistant for this show who never helped me at all. Me and Deric did the lighting for this show...not her....yet shes still sticking around and shes really annoying me. She thinks she knows everything there is to know about the theatre...she doesn't, she just started helping really, and just the way she is and talks bothers the heck outta me. So she started giving me a headache today. Then we have the newer tech people who stress over the little things and are like freaking out when I'm sitting there going this happens all the time, no big deal, we get it fixed its good, no need to freak out...and i still have to listen to them freak out. Then we have the ushers who are just people i want to smack because they have to consideration for the audience or the theatre and just piss me off, and finally there are people who are just dumb, just plain stupid who i want to punch cause they also annoy me to the point of a migraine...which i got today mind you. Just..GAH...sometimes i hate people.
There are pictures i need to put up here soon. I will when i get the time. I also want to ask Dawn something that i don't know if she will want to do or if Deric will agree to do it if she says yes...hmm. But yeah, my week so far has been interesting.

Wonderful Weekend With You

I'll start with Saturday.
First off i woke up around 10-10:30, got out of bed, took a shower, and went over to my grandparents house to mow their lawn. That went fine, i mean since is fall here i had to bag everything because there are leaves everywhere, so that took awhile, but other then that mowing went swell. Then i went over to Deric's house to hang out with him before he went to work. We chilled and had a good time and then he went to work. I then got ready for Fiddle Festival, which i was fearing and dreading and also excited for. Fiddlers hasn't been going the best this year, and being in charge is a lot of stress and it makes it not so fun anymore. But I got there, heard about some random drama about a girl who used to be my friend but isn't anymore because she slept with my ex after i told her not to. So that was interesting, and i think its going to turn her into even more of a whore. Considering she went to a random guys house after that and slept with him to feel better. Who knows, shes messed up, which makes me so freakin glad that I'm not around her much anymore. But then things got even more annoying for me because my ex was doing the lights for this thing and he slept with this girl...then another girl he had slept with came into the auditorium, and i started feeling dirty. Like not like i did something to actually feel dirty, but it was the fact that i basically shared this person with these other girls made me feel gross. But then i let the Irish music take over and fill my brain and that made me feel better. That and when we started playing i didn't have to care about anything anymore so it was fun again. Then the group we had that came in was really good. Finvarra's Wren, look them up if you like Irish music, they are phenomenal. Then after Fiddle Fest we went to Russ' as a group and Tyler was there and we had fun. Then i went over to Deric's and then we went to Tyler's house, watched a movie, then headed back to Derics.
I got to spend then night again which was wonderful. We didn't get a terrible amount of sleep, but that's ok because any night with him is always amazing. He had the computer on for a bit because it helps him to sleep, i was just kinda laying down trying to sleep myself. He then turned off the computer because it was getting late and he said he wanted me to be able to get some sleep. We then cuddled for a long long time. It was wonderful. Then later on i woke up to Deric, then we started doing certain things. Which are always wonderful because it just always is and he always says I love you afterwards so i always feel wonderful afterwards. We then cuddled again and talked and it was just so nice and calming and i just love him so much. We finally fell asleep again and then finally woke up around 8:30.
I then took a shower and then we went to the Cherokee for breakfast, which i had never been to. I cant explain enough how much doing that with him meant to me. I felt even more close to him and it made my morning wonderful. We then went to the school to do load in for the play. It was nice working there and me and Deric had a good time. We then went back to his house so he could get ready for work. Stuff happened again and i must say, i just feel even more and more close to him and i love him so so much. Today was just wonderful. :)

Yeah....

Huh, i guess i am in a cuddle mood because i was just thinking about what i wanted.....and i wanted to cuddle. This could be due to the fact that my bed is like super comfy and cozy right now but even still, i want some cuddle time. Just chilling with each other, cuddling, being all cute, happy and warm, saying loving things to each other. Its a nice picture in my mind. And if my dad can convince my mom to let me sleep over at Deric's house again that can happen. Yay! Lets hope my dad can work his magic again cause my moms against it this time.

Eh, Ok

Well plans changed a bit for tomorrow, thought id get to see Deric before he went to work but i guess not now cause hes getting his car fixed, which trust me is a good thing, but i do like seeing him. And I'm in a cuddle mood right now to, i wont have anybody to cuddle...unless i want it to be awkward....lol. That and that was really the only part of my day that i was looking forward to cause i have school, then getting help for chemistry...which my grade is finally going up in....then fiddle rehearsal from 6-9....which i long and stressful. Derics the person who relaxes me and calms me down. But i mean hey, if you gotta do something you gotta do it. Especially fixing your car, that's VERY important cause you need a car to get places and without it you are screwed. So i understand. I guess i can just work on my homework and some other things.

Why Staud Why??

Why did you have to retire Staud??? Orchestra just sucks so much now that you are gone. Jeroudi isn't a bad teacher don't get me wrong, hes just got his priorities all messed up. The orchestra knows what we need to work on and we tell him this....and he blows it off. He keeps on having us do festival stuff....festivals in FEBRUARY.....we have The Singing Christmas Tree concert the end of this month into next month....we sound not so good.....and he could care less it seems. We need to work on tree music but no, festival is more important. Cause you know...soooo many people watch festival and talk about festival.....people go to tree and talk about tree and it gets on TV and in newspapers. Tree is the big thing for us...not festival. We haven't even gone to festival for the last 2 years because its been across the state. I'm sorry but if its like more then 3 hours away there is no way in hell I'm going. That would be just 6 plus hours on a bus.....not happening. I mean, when the whole freaking orchestra is upset by this, its not going to end well. We ALL know this yet Jeroudi just cant get it through his brain that after tree we will have like 2 and half months to work on festival crap. We only have a couple of weeks before tree. The music may be easy but we need to practice it because for some reason its not sounding right like it normally does. Which sadly i think is because of the 2nd violins..not because they have no good players...but because none of them are loud enough to drown out all the really crappy players. This just really pisses me off because orchestra is something i am hating now. I never was frustrated like this with it before, i never worried about things like i am now, i never wanted to kill people like this before. I am just so frustrated. And orchestra isn't it, there is also fiddlers. Which Jeroudi is running now also. We SUCK SO BAD, and we have our biggest performance on Saturday and we are not ready at all and I'm stressing over that as well because I'm a leader now in it. Four of us had to take over cause Jeroudi was doing shit. And now for some reason we also suck more then ever and we have to use harsh and mean tactics to get it right...and even then i don't know if we can pull it together. GAH, this just sucks. The things i used to really like doing now i dread and i kinda am hating. It is actually making me glad that I'm a senior so i wont have to deal with it anymore because i honestly don't know how long i can. Orchestra might die and so might Fiddlers. I am so pissed and frustrated and i don't really know. I just want someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be just fine and that it will all work out even when i know it probably wont. I just need someone to put a little bit of hope back into my frazzled brain.