What i wouldn't give to drink till I can't stand. To pound it back till i don't have a care in the world......it would be so wonderful.

Useless

Sigh, i want to be useful. I want to help....but i feel like i never get to, or when i do people get irritated. I know i don't totally understand.....but i feel like people avoid telling me things and i don't know why. I'm a good listener and a good helper. Kinda bummed that sometimes people don't see that. That's kinda what I'm here for......

Looking Up?

Yesterday was a good day. Today was a good day. Tomorrow should be a good day. Life is looking up. I hope it looks up for others to.

Stuck In A Rut

When everyone hates you and does not want you living with them anymore. You bust your ass at school and at work. So you leave some messes at the house. Oh the cereal box is on the counter or there is a lotion bottle on the bathroom counter. Yeah my school stuff ends up spewed everywhere but that's kinda how i work and ill leave it and come back to it later, no i do not want to pick it up and put it in my room every single time i walk away cause my room is in the basement on the other side of the house....kinda difficult to go back and forth all the time when you want something. I'm angry, I'll admit that. I might have an attitude, that's because I'm pissed off at whats happening right now. I'm angry at how Lilly acts and how no one does a damn thing about it. I'm angry that you keep fucking with our family. I'm angry that you keep going when i tell you you should stop. I'm angry that when you re upset you bolt from the house and leave for house on end and refuse to tell people where you are. I know after the way you react when i saw it, but that's fucking you up that much more. Yet you see none of this and when i tell you you yell at me that i know nothing. That when i get married what am i gonna do? Dictate what my husband can and cannot do? What about when you have children and things happen, you will do exactly what I'm doing. Yeah no i won't. I would never way my children to feel the way I do. Or have their trust crushed by the few people that that should never happen with. I would never want my children to be told by their siblings that they should move out because no one wants them here anyways. I would never tell my children that they should move out because no one wants to be around them...when they already feel like their father doesn't want them............

I'm stuck in a rut with no place to go. We all are stuck, too afraid of change but still wanting it, but having no way for it to happen even if we wanted it to. All angry at the world and the luck it has given us. I held on to the promise that this would not happen again. Thinking that i finally could let my brain rest. Oh the mentality of the small bit of innocence left that thinks a promise will never be broken because its, well, a promise. And the crushing blow that hits when its shattered. With stinging tears and an empty heart all i can do is wait fro tomorrow. To go about my day the way i always do, yet, maybe this time ill contemplate heading home or not for the night. Thing is....I'm stuck in a rut with no place to go.

Spilling Guts

I lied...I'm gonna post now.
So many things, so much hurt, so many things, so many emotions both good and bad, so much, too much?
That's what I'm trying to figure out. Whether all of this is too much, if i am going to be sane at the end of it, or if I'm gonna be an empty body on the ground at the end.
Lets begin:
We all know what is going on with my family right now, my dads moved out and periodically comes by. I am angry at him, frustrated, confused, but ultimately angry. Sometimes I'm livid. I hate it and what it is doing to everyone. It affects not only our family but those near us as well. My grandma doesn't want to be near my dad right now cause of what he is doing and I'm not myself right now so things between me and Deric get a little tense sometimes. But that also has to do with him being stressed from work and getting no sleep.
That spirals down though. I am emotional and irrational right now. Things that normally do not upset me do or things i could normally brush off i can't. Deric is stressed and snappy. To me it causes friction when there shouldn't be any.
Then there are emotions i have been feeling lately that i feel like Deric has to tip toe around or I get upset. Like how I've been feeling abandoned. My dad brought that on for obvious reasons, my mom has said that maybe it is time for me to move out, and I have been feeling lately like Deric is making it so he doesn't have to hang out with me as much if at all. Like I'm being avoided. When you are already feeling abandoned by your family having that feeling towards your boyfriend kills you. It hurts. I've talked to him about it but things still happen that make me feel that way. Like today, the whole bringing Eric to the bank. I understand you got payed to do it....but Monday is our day and when i rarely see you nowadays and you take that away from me.....i feel like....idk....like you don't want to be around me. Then that spirals into the whole what if he doesn't really love me anymore questions. I don't try to think that way though cause i know you do, at least i hope you do. I keep going back to the night you grabbed my face and told me you would always be there for me, the look in your face and your tone made me know that was the truth. I hold on to that. I just need to know you are there for me right now, that you will always be there for me no matter what. I need to be told these things because i am assuming things right now left and right and i need someone to snap me back and give me the truth. I need to know i am still loved to death and that you'll always be there for me....even when i get like i am now.
I'm sorry i was angry at you today....i was upset about that whole situation. I get angry a lot right now. Please help me to not feel that way towards you again, you are the one person i hope to not be angry with right now. I love you, you know i do. I'm a screw up right now and i wish i wasn't. I wish i was as happy as i once was, but I'm not. I'm struggling. I'll admit it. I am. Sometimes i feel like I'm all alone and it scares me and makes me really sad. If i ever lost you, especially right now....I don't wanna think about what would happen. Sometimes i feel like a shell. Just walking around and seeing things but not feeling anything.
Then my dad went and bought me a laptop.....and i felt like i was bribed. Like heir's a toy don't be mad at me. Idk what to do with that! I already have enough on my mind...stop adding more!
I've been feeling sick lately to. Like right now. Nauseous. I'd love to puke my guts up....but i know it'll never get there, it doesn't feel that way. I've been working out a lot more and that helps a bit for me to get away and ultimately feel better about myself.
I'm craving skin on skin right now. I know people don't understand but it helps me to feel closer to someone, i feel safe, comforted, its like my safety cocoon. It's something i need. Just like i need tea so freaking much. I love tea.
Today at the college was nice for me. Me, Ed, Lindsey, and Josh all hung out for over an hour cause class was cancelled and it was so nice. Me and Deric went to Kazumi's, a Hibatchi grill. So parts of my day were good....some parts not so much. Like getting a giant needle in my face....that always sucks. I could really use a spa day....
I am sorry i have been irritated with you a lot lately....I'm dealing with a lot and like your stress from work it sometimes comes back at you. I'm sorry, just know i love you and am proud of you and wish you the best of luck tomorrow.  

Behind

I gotta put some stuff on here but i haven't gotten the time to do so, but i will soon. Promise.

Run Run Run

So much to say, not really sure how to sum it up. Idk if i even can. Going to Hobo's tomorrow cause its yummy and cheap....I think i'm starting to like that place. Gotta meet with my Humanities professor because we are supposed to and i picked tomorrow...then gonna talk to math and physical science department about renewing my scholarship.....i know i am slaking on that but i have been busy and I'm doing my best here. Almost broke down today a little. Things just went bad to worse and i did not know what to do. I really wanted to go to the gym...but they close at 5 on Sunday so i couldn't  Then my mom and Cameron left to go to the store so i blasted music from my iPod in my ears. I forget how long ago that music is from, i love it truly but it brings memories back of friends i once had and different times when things made sense more often and i didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave, i wanted to run, i wanted to never move again. So i got on the treadmill and just ran as fast as i could....but like all things you can't run away from your feelings and i could not run away from the feeling inside me no matter how fast i went. So i stopped. I went upstairs and stared at the cupboard. I sat down on the floor and opened it and looked inside. How tempting the bottles were. I sat back against the cupboards and looked at the ceiling trying to fight the urge. Blasting music, feeling like I'm going insane, crying, staring at the ceiling and the bottles. Then my dog jumped on me and licked my face. And brought me back to the world. Cupboard was shut and i went to study some more with her following me everywhere i went. I love that dog even though she can be a pain in the butt some times. She helps me out even when i don't realize it. Thought about driving by the beach but i didnt want to leave her so i didnt. I just studied, watched criminal minds, and once upon a time. I got some other stuff i gotta look into...hoping all are understanding with this....All my friends are outta town once again, it was nice to see them when they came in. I got all of my tattoos done/finished so now all tattoos look good. Kinda bummed with Kat bailing on me. But in all honesty it's ok. Learned some things this week i NEVER thought would happen. Kinda surprised by them, but it aint me so i really dont give a damn. Liking the gym, did the elliptical yesterday and walking may seem easy....but try walking backwards for awhile, you use totally different muscles then you normally do and it hurts. Good hurt though. Hoping i turn chemistry around form a B to an A but i really gotta get into it which is hard when i have a million other things to do. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day. Lots of cute stuff would be nice. I like cute. Just loving words are nice to though. I need lots of those right now, they help. I'm rambling and i should stop, so I'm going to bed because i think i have a test tomorrow so goodnight.

Not Cool Dude.....

Ugh....i know what test ill be retaking in chemistry.....the one we just did. I studied to! A LOT! And i got a 60%. It doesn't add up to me. Although....that's the grade most people got I'm sure cause his averages are usually in the 60's. Does that not say something to the teacher? Hey everyone is flunking my tests...maybe I'm not doing something right here. I don't want to have to do this....but I'm gonna have to talk to my professor. I'm gonna have to ask what i can do to raise my grade and how the hell can i pass his class with an A. I study, i ask questions. Yet somehow....i flunk a test. Maybe that was ok when i was a freshman in high school...but it isn't now. I have A's in EVERY single class except this one. I have a B that's almost at 85%....which would mean i need 10 more points to get to an A which is a 95%. I don't want to point the finger and be like you fucked up my GPA dude, not cool. I haven't had chemistry in a while. Been like over half a year.....i don't retain all that shit. My brain kinda has to learn new stuff so it forgets things it hasn't used in forever. I need things explained and putting something on a test that maybe a select few would know is compete crap. GAAAAAHHHH.......I would never before say that I'm a perfectionist, Deric always says i kinda am, now i believe him. I'm working so fucking hard and i don't want one class to screw it up.

Our Talk

Well today i talked. Finally. Told Deric everything i was feeling about everything really. I needed to talk because i was getting overwhelmed and frustrated and angry and i just didn't understand things and i needed someone to talk o about things. Things i was worried about and things i was just feeling. I'm glad we talked because i feel a lot better and your responses were what i needed. I needed kind words and an assurance that everything for us was fine. With everything going on with my family i needed reassurance. So thank you. Thank you for listening and not being mean to me. I love that quality in you. You listen to me and just help me and don't make me feel stupid or unimportant. Thanks for that. I love you in general. You always make me feel better when i need it the most. I love you so much and will continue to thank you every time you help me.

I have a chemistry test tomorrow and I am nervous for it. I can do everything but there are two questions our professor talked about that are worrying me because i have trouble with those things. Other then that i think I'm pretty confident, my brain wants to explode, but confident.

I'm Ready

I think I am ready to talk now, i need to or I'm gonna be eaten alive. So if at all possible, i need you to listen and be kind to me on Thursday. Please and thank you. Please