Overload

My brain just needs to shut down right now. My body does too. Too much is going on and i feel overloaded. Time to zone out hopefully

F***ing Dreams

What the heck was up with last night? My dreams were so fucked up. Like just super messed up and when i woke up they were messing with my head in a bad way. I was angry, terrified, sad.....like what the hell.
(Yes there as more then one dream..)
First dream: I remember mostly bits and pieces but i know i was in a store, I think it was Home Depot. The store was pitch black and the only time you could see anything was when these random flashes of light happened. I remember i was at a desk talking to customers and these people came in and said they could turn the place around. Then suddenly i was in like Tahiti and the store was a bright tiki bar kinda place. I was suddenly outside and taking pictures of the view/landscape and as a walked around this building i came upon Deric and we started talking. Somehow we got on the conversation of our phone plan etc and he was like i don't wan to have to change my number again! I was looking at him funny when he said that and he was like what? When Ronni was on my phone plan, i had to change my number when we took her off. I was flabbergasted and was like wtf? Then i looked at him and said, did you sleep with her? He was silent for awhile after that and slowly was like kinda but i don't count it. I was suddenly like WTF?!?!?! He was like yeah......and wouldn't say anything else. I had to practically yell at him to tell me what the hell had happened. He was like fine, we were at a con and she was dressed as a mecca and you know we had sex but then this guy came around and started hitting me blah blah blah. In my dream i pictured this happening it was terrible and i woke up shaking my head and being like no no no no no. I was angry and frustrated and concerned and it fucked with my head.

Second dream: Now the main part of this dream i don't remember but i know that in my dream something made me wake up so i woke up.....or i thought i did. I woke up to my dark room. I looked around and saw my closet was open a little and i didn't remember going to bed with it open so i went to turn on my bedside lamp but i couldn't reach it and when i looked back my closet was opened more. I panicked and tried to turn on the lamp and it wouldn't turn on so i grabbed it and tried to force it to work all the while the closet would open more and more every time i looked at it. I was so scared because whatever was doing that was BAD. Like pure terror was pouring out of me. Then i woke up in a panic and missed my light to turn it on then finally grabbed it and turned it on and my closet was fine but i was scared and i wasn't sure why that scared me so much. But fucking dream inception there like holy fuck. I thought i woke up from my dream but i actually woke up into another dream. Like shit thats so fucked up.......

It was a bad night and I'm still feeling the fucked upness in my mind from those dreams.

BOOM

Thunder and lighting. Tis my night. I wish i had a man here to cuddle with. But he's at work. I like cuddling during thunderstorms. Sigh, I love him very much and i hope tomorrow or the week or whatever is gonna happen happens and everything goes well and all ends happily. I really hope it does.

Who Is This Stupid?

I don't understand why I always end up in situations like this. I mean, really? Does life hate me or something? Ok, so tonight we had a party at Tyler's before everyone moved back to college. Gabbi was there and just had to bring this girl named Ariel who used to go to shores because she knew how to handle Gabbi's issues....which is another story entirely but i will not get into that because that's annoying on its own. Anyway, we are sitting in a circle and people are just up here and there doing whatever and I was talking to Andrea but she got up so I'm just sitting there waiting for her to come back and suddenly Ariel starts talking to me about how we both dated Matt. I was like umm...ok. Then she went on about how he was an ass hole and she didn't even realize they were dating until they went to a party together and everyone kept saying how she was dating him etc. It was like a two month relationship blah blah blah she went on for awhile while i was sitting there like ok why are you telling me this. Then Gabbi started talking about how Matt had tried to hook up with her and Ariel said she basically dated him so he would leave Gabbi alone. I slowly started to get up and kinda walk away because i really didn't care to hear about her experience with him. Not what I came to Tyler's to hear. Then suddenly she was like well hey be happy, he must have really liked you because one of the last times we ere making out right before we broke up he called out your name. I was just staring at her like.....WTF WTF  WTF WTF WTF. I had to compose myself and be like oh well i can see why you broke up after that. Then i was like I'm getting cold i'm gonna get my coat and i walked inside with a what the hell just happened look on my face. Now, this whole shabang was an eye opener. I understand  that that relationship hurt me, I've known this for awhile. I hurt inside emotionally and mentally from it. I have basically healed from that all. Obviously from time to time i still feel insecure about things but i have healed. Deric has been there and helped me to see my for me. He showed me my beauty for what it was. He loves me for what i am and what i look like and just for me being me. What i did not realize was how much that relationship must have messed that dumb ass up. From what Ariel said and from the fact that he is now dating his 3rd Kaylee. I feel like i really screwed up the guy...which in my book is perfectly ok. Definitely deserving of it. But seriously. Who tells someone that kind of thing? She acted like i still cared and would be overjoyed by what she told me. Like hell i would be. All i was thinking was how fucked up that was and how weird and just stupid she was. My night was weird in a way i would have preferred not to have experienced.

Possibly

The world seems to be slowly crumbling. Not much can be done about it either. There is one ray of hope though which we will find out about tomorrow. I hope this works out. I really really do.

New Things

Ladidada. I'm happy right now. Nervous. But happy. That's because Deric's birthday is tomorrow. My nerves are slowly creeping up but i am doing my best to make sure i know that everything is going to be just fine and that there is really nothing to worry about.

I mean hell, I know Deric loves me. He tells me, he compliments me, he is just wonderful. And you know, there are times when i can see it in his eyes. When he looks at me he has this cute wonderful awed look in his eyes that makes me feel so wonderful.
We are a we and something that we will be doing with each other is going through new experiences. This birthday is one of them. A new experience a new part of life that in another year i will be part of but for right now i just have to get used to Deric being a part of it. New things sometimes scare me because i don't know what to expect. I don't like not knowing things. But hey, if we are going to be us and get through anything, we both...mostly me...have to get through new things. I am learning and i am glad that Deric is willing to learn with me and help me through this stuff. Shows that he really cares about me. I love him so much and I know it is a few hours early but Happy Birthday my love. I know it'll be the most interesting one yet and I am glad i can be there with you.

Ow

Ehhhh....my boobs hurt :( I need a boob massage right now.

Should Have Been Sooner

I've been meaning to post on here but each time I go to do it I'm usually in bed and tired.

So Deric's 21st birthday is in 3 days. Holy crap that came up FAST. I remember when we talked about it in like January. He's super excited and I'm happy for him. This is a big birthday. I'm doing better with it to. I feel less nervous about it. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea. The only thing that still makes me nervous is him going out and getting drunk with other people and me not being there. That is the only thing that I am still nervous about. Other then that I'm doing pretty good which is a big deal. I'm doing good.

Deric and Tyler went fishing the other day. I'm glad they got to have bro time. I know Tyler was dying to hang out with Deric. Deric might not have noticed it when they were hanging out but I know it made Tyler's day. He had been wanting to do that for a long while. Deric needed to have bro time to. He normally is hanging out with me and I'm a girl. All girls need girl time and all guys need bro time. Haha

Hm, I have gained weight again. Well, kinda again. I had gained weight before i had gotten that 24 hour flu crap when i lost all of it that i had gained. I think i just gained that back. Which I'm fine with because i have needed to gain a couple pounds. Also my feet grew a half a size, and i swear they keep growing cause i bought these shoes that were a size 10 because they had some extra room and weren't really tight on my feet and now they are. Like what the heck? I thought i was done growing here. I know Deric is still growing a little bit but i haven't in like...forever. I mean, I'll gain weight and my boobs might get bigger here and there but like legit growing hasn't happened since like...elementary school. Yeah i was a pretty early bloomer and got all my height and shit when i was that young. But yeah, not sure whats going on with my body but things happen i guess.

The future is looking bright and it's a good feeling. ^-^

Although, for some people their futures just got crushed and i feel bad for them. There is nothing i can do about it but i still am human and feel bad for them.

F**K You

I'm so annoyed right now it's not even funny. I should be sleeping but my mind is racing cause I'm SO FUCKING PISSED OFF with Lilly that drifting off is impossible. People are being loud upstairs so that also makes it hard to sleep. My car is breaking and I don't know how much it';; cost to fix it. I gotta make a bunch of cakes, and you know i gotta be up at 5am tomorrow. I am having a long day and a long week and I'm agitated.

Lilly being the little bitch that she is decided earlier to throw a bitch fit about me telling her to chew with her mouth closed because well....she freaking chews really loudly and annoying with her mouth open all the time and i always say something about it. She decided to go on about how i had some weird problem thing where i think people are chewing loudly or something like that. I was like fuck no, you chew with your mouth open, even better you play with your mouth all the time! You constantly put your finger in your mouth and do weird shit that you deny doing. I WATCH you do it. Obviously I am not making that up. Then she was like well you do all these drugs and smoke pot blah blah blah and i was like what the fuck little bitch? I know for a fact that I 1000% do not do ANY drugs. She was like sure you don't like she knew everything about me. Fucking pissed me off. Then earlier she threw a HUGE fit about how Cameron took the laptop and now him and Forrest are both on a computer because she was getting her nails done so she wasn't using it. She has no right to be angry about two people being on separate computers in the same damn room cause that's all her and her friends do day in and day out when they are with each other. At least Cam and Forrest were talking to each other! So she stormed out of the house. That made my mom worried and sad until Lilly called from Heidi's house and she wanted to be picked up and my mom started crying cause she didn't like seeing Lilly depressed. I wanted to punch that little cunt cause she ruined my moms night of getting her nails done because she had to freak the fuck out because she couldn't have the laptop. Little obsessed are we not? Fucking pissed me off. I swear to god i will end up decking her in the face because of how dumb and stupid and bitchy and fucking gaaahahahahdbsalgfudow;agfuv.......I will end up punching her in the face one of these days. I am so fed up with her bull shit.

So my head light popped out of the spot it's supposed to sit in because when i hit that cement pile it tore at my bumper and it came loose enough for the light to fall out. I don't have the money for another bumper right now! I'm depressed about it. Also angry cause it's partially my parents faults. That and when i called my mom to help me she was too passed out to even communicate with me like a normal person so it was like she could give a rats ass if i needed help. So i figured everything out on my own no help from her....

I am supposed to work at 6am tomorrow which means waking up at 5, then i have to get my books from MCC, and now go and see how much it'll cost to fix my car. I'm to angry to sleep, too frustrated about my car, and to pissed off at my sister. My back hurts and my boobs are sore so it's just like everything is doing a big fuck you Kaylee. You don't need a nice car, or a sane home, or a healthy body, fuck that! You can have everything that goes bad cause you did something to deserve it even though i have no idea what.

Well Lets See...

I feel like i had a few things to say and now i don't quit remember them all but I'll try

I think i was first going to say that Deric's birthday is in 8 days, almost 7. I will admit that i am nervous. I don't know what to expect and i don't like not knowing things. But i am not as bad as i was before. I'm getting better like i knew i would. Still will always be a little nervous though. That i can't get rid of.

Uhm, I met Megan the other day and she's cool. I was nervous to meet her as i am with everyone because i want them to like me. Of course she already knew who i was and had heard a lot about me which was kinda cool.

I really do love Deric a lot. Like I have a happy feeling deep deep down which i have never really had before. It's nice to feel because I feel content, happy, loved, a lot of good emotions. For me that's huge. I love you so much.

Bought some new shoes yesterday and they are fantabulous. I needed them badly. We need to buy Deric some new shoes also. He just needs to find the right shoe, then we will buy it for him. I need to find a club dress. Hopefully i get one before Deric's birthday.

On a final note, everyone needs to hear the words I love you no matter who you are. They are very powerful words.

I Am Yours

Whhhaaattt? Interesting stuff at work today. Very interesting. Got there and i hadn't even punched in when Mel found me and was like hey, would you want to work in the vault cause Val put in her 2 week notice. I have been asked about working in the vault before and i had said i was interested so i said sure and told her when i could work and she was fine with that. Then i had to immediately go talk to Zizak. Mildly nerve racking even when i knew i wasn't in trouble or anything. He had me take a seat and Matt sat next to me and we talked about working in the vault, about my schedule, about working full time, about some changes that could happen at the desk, and random other things. What i got out of it was that they want me in the vault and the desk, they have high hopes for me and want me in there full time, and i very well could end up a supervisor down the road. I never even realized that Zizak noticed me, apparently he does a lot though. So woot woot! I'm really getting noticed and it sounds like I"m gonna be moving up in the world and people really are seeing what i am capable of and I'm excited because this could be big.

My vacation was really nice and I"m sad it's over because as much as i like work it is so wonderful to get away for a while. Kinda sucked that the weather was so crappy while they were here and once they left it was all nice. Lame. I will say that even though it was a good week it was a draining and tough week as well and me and Deric had little arguments through out the entire thing but they generally ended on a good note and i think we learned a little about each other. What i need to understand and its the one thing i have trouble grasping is that Deric keeps saying that "I will always be yours" and that means that i shouldn't worry about him doing something that will hurt me or something that will hurt us, i shouldn't worry about other people hitting on him and offering themselves to him because he would never agree to it or do it, he would never ever hurt me even if he was drunk off his ass. I have to trust him because he is dead set on being with me and not messing it up. He wants me for me. He wants to be with ME. Me, the person who can be one hell of a handful sometimes, me with all of my imperfections, me who worries way too much, me who gets scared too easy that I'll screw up something and ruin everything, me who needs to learn to be confident in every aspect of myself, me who is well me. Yet after all the negatives about me, he still wants me. I don't know why i can't see this and i really am trying to be better, it's a slow process but i am trying to understand this. I really am. Whenever i get nervous or paranoid about stupid shit I've begun thinking the comment he said, that he will always be mine, and it calms me down and i don't feel so worried and sometimes it goes away. It's helping and i like it because it makes the world a better place. It really does.

Oh, me and Deric both got new tattoos. He got one with his brother and its a tattoo that Kyle drew. Mine is of Michigan with a heart where Muskegon is. Both our tattoos are cool and awesome.

Tomorrow i am meeting Megan. Someone who has been in Deric and Kyle's lives for a very long time. Should be interesting.