Skyward

I've learned something, was thinking about this while i was at work today stuck in the garden hut, I hit a really low low yesterday, but that means one thing. I can only go up from here and its a comforting thought. Its helped me through the day. Plus today's events have been wonderful. Eric and Corine got engaged!!!!!!!! FINALLY! Eric had only the most important people there and it makes you feel good that you are one of those people. It was nice and i am so happy for them both. We all went to the LakeHouse afterwards and just had a great time. Joking and laughing, it was wonderful.

Low Point

I've had an off week. Between home, school, and work. Home has been frustrating to say the least. Me and my mom yelling then me and my sister...all because they say something about someone they shouldn't mention. Their brain to mouth filter apparently likes to malfunction. I can't ever relax and calm down, I'm always somewhat uptight because its hard to be calm and collected at my house. Then there is school, oh joy school. I'm lonely as fuck half the time. The friends i make in class i never see besides class so the hours that i sit by myself are well....by myself. The only thing that's nice is Tyler Karum and he group he hangs out with, they aren't bad people in any way shape or form. Then also Frutchey when i see her. They make it a little better. Karum's group makes me laugh and I'm accepted just like that. They all talk to me and laugh with me, It's nice. It isn't hard trying to become friends with them and there is nothing i need to worry about with them. Although i am hoping that with my gym class starting i can make a few more friends. I've already made 2 kinda and one i see sitting around a lot so there is promise. But all the people that just come up to me are seemingly normal but then of course they are either freakin drug fanatics or gang members....i attract the worst people and i don't know why. Wanna know how i attract them? I sit by myself. It's so dumb. The other day i felt so lonely so i went someplace else to get away from the student union because i was lonely and people i don't like sit there and stare at me from time to time. I sat at a table by myself and listened to my Mumford & Sons radio on Pandora. Wondering if someone normal would sit next to me for once and id make a new friend. But alas, that never does happen now does it. I miss my friends, i can't just call someone up and be like hey lets hang out, no, i have to wait for them to come into town which isn't that often. The only friends i have like that would be Eric right now. Normally i would say Danny to...but after recent events....no not really. Other then that the other people never respond to my texts...no one does anymore. Livi does, she always has, and i really appreciate it. When you are feeling lonely and no one texts you back....well....it makes you feel that much lonelier and crappier. I've also been feeling so low about myself lately too. I have my low points and this is definitely one of them. I don't feel beautiful, or attractive, or anything honestly. I'm just me, a girl who is working for a living, going to school full time, trying to balance all this out with loved ones, and trying to stay afloat. And...it hurts sometimes. I know I'm a strong person, yet, I'm so weak..so overcome with self doubt. I want to cry sometimes, but i don't. I suck it up. Like tonight's possibility with Deric maybe going out with his work buddies to Envy. Might i say I am jealous of him that he has friends he can just go do stuff with and hang out with whenever. But i was nervous about him maybe going, not because i think hes going to go off and cheat on me or anything i trust the guy 100%, but because it was the big Halloween night so girls would be dressed as total sluts. Then he might see these really hot woman and think they are better looking then me etc. There are plenty of woman out there better looking than me and i don't want to ever lose someone to someone like that. I know Deric said he picked me....but when it comes down to it that nasty little voice in the back of my head says well, he can always pick someone else you know. And i know there is the look but no touch rule but what i try to get across is that i want to be the only person he looks at like that or even thinks about doing stuff with like that....i guess i just don't want him to fantasize about doing things with other woman cause idk...they are probably better than me. And i don't trust other people, for one the slutty drunk girls and two the people from his work i don't even know. I don't think they are terrible people i just don't really trust someone till i get to know them or at least have talked to them once. I don't know if i can say anything else here besides yes...i do realize this is a low point for me cause if it isn't i don't know what is then.

Oh Frank

I danced to Frank Sinatra today. :) It was surprisingly enjoyable and if i could i would do it again...but Zumba only has 1 song like that. It makes me want to dance more, but that kind of dancing. Not like GoGo dancing, though i still like that kind of dancing, huh...I should probably take a dance class. lol. Idk how to explain how i felt dancing to Frank, i would like to do that maybe with Deric sometime. It would be nice.

Blip Of A Memory

How strange, having a picture come into your mind that is as clear as a memory and even seems like one....yet there is no possible way it could be because it hasn't happened yet, there is no possible way that it could have. Yet...it seems as though it happened yesterday. When this happens they are always good memory like blips, and they have only ever happened during certain thoughts. I don't know what it means, but they are comforting. Makes me wonder and hope that they become real memories.

Yummy ;P

The shower today was delectable. Very hot, very...oh...yummy. You know, massage oil, hot boyfriend, a shower, the works. Sleeping over was nice to. I've learned that Jim does not know how to be quiet when other people are sleeping cause all i heard was him banging things around and his loud voice...but that happens....Cameron's like that. I was comfy and cozy all night long and i had my wonderful man beside me which i always love because waking up next to him is so nice. I had a goodnight and a good morning. :)

Everything Works Out

Thank god for car insurance and thankfully i have full coverage, cause the $1500 that i would need for repairs to my poor car is being fully covered by the insurance. Plus no deductible. That was a very very happy moment for me, plus i hopefully get it back tomorrow. Yay.
I had an interesting day with Deric the other day. Very interesting. We watched some stuff that well, was very awkward to watch with your significant other. Even though its what Deric wanted to do he said it was awkward too so i don't feel bad about feeling weird. But hey, we tried something new. But the day altogether was really nice, really really nice. I love him very much.
I got a 94 on my math test! Fuck yeah! I tried and i did well. Now i need to do well on my bio quiz on Monday...kinda worried about this one...there's a LOT to it. But so far I'm doing well in college and I'm proud of myself.  Hopefully that can continue.
I need to find someplace else to sit in college....the pot head/druggies are getting ridiculously attached to me. They won't, absolutely will not, leave me alone. Plus today i wanted to punch Robert because he kept pestering me. He threw my binder on the floor and kept trying to turn off my laptop and taking my math stuff.   Then he decided to tell some people i graduated with that i could compete with this huge pot head dude and the people just looked at me and were like no way you smoke? Now they think I'm a pot head...fuck me.......Sigh, college can be annoying.

Thank You

When I'm talking to Deric and in the middle of the conversation he says I love you. I thought it was cute and even though it was a random short conversation while he was on break at work it made me feel better. If you can't tell from my last post I'm a little on the unnerved and pissed side....and it never fails that Deric makes me feel better. He always does. I love him so much and i am so thankful for him.

I'm Just....Pissed/Livid/Many Other Emotions I Can't Even Express

Why the fuck do i have the worst fucking luck with cars. Like seriously? Not only do i have continual repairs on my car that i have paid a freakin lot for, which i thought were all done because everything was going smoothly and it was all working great, no i have to deal with a hit and run done to my damn car. Yeah, what luck. It sits out on the terrace for one night and someone hits the damn thing. Front bumper is a bit jacked and the front headlight is smashed. PLUS its making a weird sound every once in awhile and whatever that is needs to be fixed as well. My dad thinks a belt is coming loose but I'm just not sure at this point. WHY? I wanted to just start paying my bills and saving finally now that i didn't have all these repairs. After getting a head gasket replaced after i blew one, after trying to get the oil and everything else that leaked fixed, after getting a new radiator and having the car towed to Gomrey's, after EVERYTHING......I now deal with this. This thing that never happens to people, but it happens to me. So nope on saving fucking anything for awhile again. Plus I'm kinda hating myself a bit because i did just go to Victoria's Secret and buy a little night time lingerie because i wanted one and i wanted to surprise Deric with something new....but right now I'm thinking it was money i didn't need to spend...but i wanted to i really did. I like the thing and so does Deric, but after this car thing I'm finding all the extra money I'm spending a bad thing. Ugh, i was having a good day to. I learned all the things from the first lecture for the next upcoming Bio quiz, i did Deric's laundry for him, we cuddled, and had some lovely fun...but i guess the good things don't last so long as we would wish.

I'm just in a great need of some comfort...I'm upset...

My Life And Its Oddities

Enjoying the nice fall weather. I really would like to just sit in front of a fire drinking either tea or hot cider, maybe have a carmel apple or just some nice fall food....i wrote this yesterday, lol, I'm still enjoying fall today, just not as much.

I'm sick, well, kinda sick, I'm fighting it a lot. I don't want to be sick, i was so much last year it was ridiculous. I think the only reason i am getting sick, cause i wasn't before, is because of my period. My immune system always takes a vacation around then. It makes it kinda suck being a girl. It keeps getting better...then worse...then better...then worse.....it's annoying. I just hope i can beat it before it has a chance to really become a cold.

Me and Deric went to the cemetery today finally. It was enjoyable. I like going there, ill be weird and admit that. Its peaceful, interesting, and just different.

So i was thinking today about my conversation with someone at college the other day. We played a 20 questions kinda thing because we didn't know each other and the person we both did know left the table and we were left by ourselves. He asked me what my 5 favorite bands were....and this made me feel like i was from another planet....aka people don't enjoy true music. I was thinking and i came up with Mumford & Sons (duh), Florance and the Machine (another DUH), had to think some more...then was like oh! I do like Nickelback, always have i wont lie even though a lot of people hate them...i don't understand why really. The look i got from this kid...wow...i know for a fact he had no clue who any of them were besides Nickelback...which i can tell he didn't like. It was like i was a really sad individual who had no taste....sigh...he went on to say Blink 182 and things like that. Typical for someone like him, no offense or anything, but it didn't surprise me one bit. I think the conversation went downhill from there cause i went on to say that i really don't have a large amount of favorite groups, i like a little bit of everything, just depends on my mood. He was like...oh.....conversation kinda ended there as more people finally walked up. Made me realize how different my tastes are from other people, and i am ok with that. It makes me me and different.

RIP the microwave, it died a smelly smelly death. I have never had ice cream smell like burnt plastic before. lol.

Breaking Free

I feel like a jerk, to myself and to others. I don't even understand myself sometimes. And the fact that i have a man who loves me to death even when i act so stupid....why do i deserve that? I don't know why i deserve him, i don't deserve something like him. And for the reason i acted like that, that's why i feel so stupid. I wasn't having good thoughts....about myself, about everything....and then, suddenly they all went away, i felt like my insides broke, but in a good way. And such a little thing did that to, made me melt, just Deric holding my hand and rubbing it and my ring with a look on his face that is something i cant begin to describe. It made me feel so dumb, and so loved, and everything at once. Its what i needed, i was going into a rut, and not a good one, and thankfully i broke free from it. Thank you Deric, you mean the world to me, I love you so much, I am so sorry for my mood, so sorry. You make everything in my life that much better.