Goodbye 2012

Goodbye 2012, it has been an interesting year. Your ending hasn't been my favorite but as of tomorrow, it will be a better year. I promise. I hope i can keep this promise. Also, as another resolution, i plan to have lasts years resolution start back up. And this time i will keep it. It's going to help me have a better year. Keep my mind in a sane place. Right now, i feel good. I have color in my hair, my ears are pierced...finally...plus in a week my winter semester of college starts. As crazy as i feel sometimes...i know i can get through anything, with help, i can do it. Deric talked to me today and even though we couldn't come up with an answer to my problem, i feel better. I got an answer i needed. I was feeling down on myself and felt like i was being pushed aside. But i know that isn't true now and that makes me feel better. So, for now I'm off to Kat's house to say goodbye to 2012. See you in 2013.

Crumbling

I wish i didn't feel this way.....I wish i wasn't so angry at everything and I'm not even sure why i am. The worlds finally caught up in my head and in reality. Seeing my friends makes me realize what i no longer have....I no longer have those friends in town, no longer have people to talk to like i talk to them, I'm alone while they make new friends and hang out and have a good time. While I go to work. Which i will not complain about because honestly as much as i sometimes don't like my job it keeps me sane because its getting away and talking to people that i like and who like me. I wish i could hang out with some of them. Like Liz, Abby, Mel, and Katie. I know the first three hang out a lot and i really like them...but they also have been working together for years and are older than me. I'm working on making friends but many people have their already established groups and it is hard for them to accept new people in. Like Alexis from bio...we talked a ton and shes an awesome person, but while talking she had said she doesn't really trust people and has only two really close friends because usually she pushes everyone else away. Only proves my point that even when i do try sometimes an outside school friendship just...won't happen and it has nothing to do with me. I get that and i don't pity myself for those circumstances because that's outta my control. But i wish i had that meeting new people making awesome friends experience, or at least could tell my friends something about my school and not just brag about getting good grades. Cause honestly that's all i got at the moment and I'm proud of myself for it....but i keep quiet about it because if i brag, even a little, people get annoyed with me, so i just stay quiet. I'm gonna miss everyone when they head back. I wish i wasn't stuck at home all of the time...i wish my home life was better and that i thought i could stick it for two years while I'm at MCC, but i don't think i can. My mind is going insane and i feel like I'm going to lose it. But question is am i ready are they ready and why am i so confused? Why can't life be perfect, why can't i feel fine and not be feeling this way and kinda scared. Yes I'm scared, for many reasons. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to feel broken because that's how I'm feeling and my fear is that being that way will..idk..make certain people love me less. Insecurities are blaring full force, reality hits hard, and...i feel like people would tell me to go see the psychiatrist again if they knew i felt this way...but i don't want to go back there. I want to be as normal as i can be, that's why i don't want to go there...Sometimes, sometimes, i wish i could have a drink in my hand and wash it all away. But that's a no go because i don't do that anymore, i promised, but sometimes i wish. I'm no longer that person though and i will never do that again, I won't throw my life away when I'm working so hard toward my goal. If i keep pushing i think i could do it, i think i could be one of the 108. I just gotta keep pushing, i can't back down, i have faith that i can do it. Sigh....on a good note, It's snowing out and it's the big fat calm flakes that make the world better.

Damn This Book

Yes I am venting about a book right now. This new series is good but it pisses me off and i get frustrated from reading them. They have so many ups and downs and i don't know if it is going to end the way i want it to that i have to set it down cause its addictive but really freakin annoying. GAH...if i was ever like this chick in this book id hit myself, she frustrates me. Although...i get where shes coming form which is the sad thing. Plus when i get frustrated it makes me do things that frustrate me even more...which i am learning not to do, slowly but I'm making good progress i think. Sigh..time to go to bed, i can't do this book anymore tonight.

Feeling Cherished

It's interesting how me reading these books makes me cherish what i have with Deric even more. What i have with him is something many people don't have. He always listens to me when i need to talk and his words are so kind. I think I'm the luckiest girl alive.

Maybe An Answer

I don't really understand these feelings I'm having. I'm sad, i think, i don't know why if i am. That movie hit a nerve, i think because i could relate to it in some way. I understood.
It made me think about when i went to Tyler's. Everyone was having fun and talking about school/college depending on if they were in high school still or not. But, me well, I don't mind that I'm going to MCC, that isn't the issue. Yeah everyone else will or has already gone off to a big university, and i realize why this is and why others at MCC have a lot of friends who went straight from high school to college with each other. It is because i am friends with smart, intelligent people who have a plan for themselves. No i was never friends with the druggie pot heads, no i was never friends with the so called popular kids who partied it up and are rather dumb, no i was never friends with the whores or the like SUPER nerds...I'm talking about the ones that creep me out like the ones in the corner, not like me......and this is why all my friends went off to big places. This is partially why i have so few friends at MCC, the people i was never friends with are the people that attend MCC. I've made a few new friends, ones that i talk to and chill with at the college...none yet that i hang out with outside of it. That's my next goal, make a friend like that somewhere....either at school or maybe work. Me, I'm not like the people i described and that's not why i went to MCC. I went there because some of use have to work for what we want and don't have the money to always go in the exact direction that we would like. We have to take detours, go someplace that has things just as good as the big leagues, just a fraction of the price. The issue is not that i am going here, it is that there is nothing for me to tell them really. I can't really talk about what i do at school, I don't go out with my school friends or have dorm life to talk about. I just sit and do my thing. The most i have to talk about is that i got straight A's and a 4.0. When i do though people get annoyed sometimes so i don't really.
When i was at Tyler's i felt awkward, sigh, i guess not being entirely social for a long time or seeing people does that to you. I'm not sure.
I'm just confused right now i guess is my possible other emotion. From me and my moms argument the other day i don't know what to do. I'm trying hard to do my thing and live at my house, but what my mom yelled at me is making me wonder and confused. This may be the other thing that is eating at me. I'm not really sure. I don't always know why i get upset or cry, sometimes i just do. I think its partially cause I'm a girl. We just get emotional sometimes. Some more than others. Aka me. I guess with college, work, trying to balance everything, sometimes you just have an emotional break where you just want to stop trying because its a lot easier. But in the long run you know you can't cause in order to get to your dream goal you gotta keep pushing. Deric is my saving grace though, hes nice enough to help me out and stay with me even when i get like this. It's what i need in times like this. Hopefully i can get a hold of myself.

Yay Drug Infused Cough Syrup

So a few things. Cough syrup with codeine in it...my best friend right now. So bad i know but still...we are tight right now. I'm feeling numb at the moment....like tingly numb i guess. And hell...all i took was 1 teaspoon. Yay drugs. Haha.
Secondly, my grandparents got Deric something for Christmas. I was blown away by that because that means they have fully accepted him. Like totally, FINALLY. I thought it was cute.
I'm still sick, and we are going to my Grandma Linda's house tomorrow at 2, the one who smokes heavily. Not sure how that's going to work with my coughing self but we shall see. Then at 5 we have Deric's dad's side get together at Aunt Cindy's house. That should be fun. Then at 9 we have to go to Christmas Eve service at church...which i still need to tell Deric about...then idk. But this season i always end up running around. I love my family though and the parties. Its enjoyable and having 4 days off helps a shit tone as well. So goodnight world and I'm off into a drug induced sleep.

The Not So Jolly Christmas Season

I am getting sick, what the crap. Why near Christmas? I'm gonna be a hot mess for all the get together's.....wtf. I feel like crap and i HAVE to work tomorrow or i don't get my holiday hours. Gah...and when will my mom understand that Christmas is about everyone and not just her? Every year i have the same things to do, the get together at my Grandparents house, the one for Deric's dad's side, and then the one for his mom's. Every year, the same thing. Yet every year she bitches me out because she wants to appetizers with the family and start a tradition during one of Deric's family get together's. Her reasoning: Your not married to him and so you don't have things to do, if you were then you could say you have things to do but now blah blah blah. She thinks I'm a terrible person for saying i have family things to do with Deric to. It isn't like I'm not going to our family get together at my grandparents. I would never miss that . Yet me going to Deric's family stuff is a bitch move. Sigh....why is my family so damn frustrating. I am sick....i don't want this!

Look What I Can Do....NOTHING

I don't know what to do in this kind of situation. What can i do? Nothing. I wont see him till Sunday...possibly early Saturday...and he wont promise me he wont do anything stupid. Now I'm worried, really worried cause i know what my man is capable of. We don't live together so its not like i can comfort him, but even if we did he said he won't want to talk to anyone, not even me. I'm the kinda person who likes to help people, and i get frustrated and feel lost when something like this happens and he wont listen to me and i cant do anything or be there for him. GAH, as pissed off as he is...that's how frustrated i am now. He wouldn't even promise me....and i gotta get up early tomorrow to. Guess who's gonna be worried tonight? Me. Cause i don't want him to do anything bad...what if he got hurt or fired or...the possibilities are endless. I just want him safe and happy. And right now he's basically neither. And i can do NOTHING. I cant help. That frustrates me so much.

BAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh god..so gross...was my own fault because I have problems...but I'm done now, forever. Why would anyone want to do that, so gross. Haha, but yeah, done. Curiosity gone. Ew.

Other than that though i got all my school books ordered today. Now i just gotta go to the college and pick most of them up. Found out that the new book Deric is getting me for Christmas is the second book in a series...not the first. A mild problem i know. But easily fixed. But from what i read..its gonna be good. Really good. Like Fifty Shades. Which is amazing. I like the fact that I'm getting back into books, Its been awhile and i miss reading them. The fact that i keep finding more books to read that i will enjoy is awesome to. I can be picky sometimes with books. Works going well, I love most of the people i work with...there is very few who I'm not really fond of. I'm getting the hours i want which is good cause i need the money. Oh, go figure, my moms car got backed into and needs a new tail light....the person left as well so it was just like my car. I feel like i could babble on for awhile on here, there's a lot i could say. OH OH....my mom sent a card to Deric, his mom, and Jim and wrote Erik on the front...i about died. SO FUNNY. She will get it right one day i hope. Ok...I'm gonna go read and stop typing cause it'll just be rambles.

My Day, My Life, My Rock

So much to say, so much has happened, at the moment I'm trying to figure out books for school and the MCC pages are not working so I can't figure this out and its annoying me....and it only seems to mess up with the classes I am taking...everything else is fine WTF. Anyways, me and Deric went to GR today and went to the Frederik Meijer Gardens and also went to the Rivertown Mall which was the first time i had ever been there. That place is huge. The garden was fun, until i dropped my moms camera...and broke it. I got her a new one though and she likes it so its all good besides being out some cash. I was bumming though during some of our mall time and i know Deric got annoyed with me. And I'm really sorry for that, this was supposed to be a special day and i messed that up. I feel bad about it, i really do. But the mall itself was enjoyable. We ate panera and went to a lot of stores. Deric even was able to get me a Christmas present. Go him. I must say though, the drive home was way easier than the drive there....i wonder why that is cause that seems to be true with all trips. After i got home i gave my mom the camera then bought a few school books which are freakishly expensive. Books being that much is just dumb. Then i checked my work schedule and saw the new one. 36 freakin hours. And then i realized that i don't think i can do this tutor thing. I have already said yes to it, and i feel bad that I'm gonna have to call and tell him i just cant do it. With how much i work already and how much i try to do my best and how much stress i already have.....adding this will not be a good idea. I think my grades will suffer and this semester is already going to be tough, much harder then the last. I just cant do everything. Maybe next time i can. Probably not but maybe. Then my mom told me about my cuz and how him and his wife aren't doing good and they've been married around a year and a half and there is already a possibility of it ending. What society has come to....its unreal. I feel like moments like this i need my rock, I need my Deric. It seems that no matter how much i annoy the man or frustrate him or break down around him....he's still there for me. He still loves me. He stays. No matter what.   My rock. He's the kinda person everyone deserves. I am so thankful for him. I love him so.

Happy Face

This is my bragging moment so dont bring me down please.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got all A's, :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
That is all for now.

This Fear Runs Deep

I have to admit something, but i wont say what it is on here..not until tomorrow when i talk to you about it. Maybe it'll make sense of a few things and maybe it'll make me feel better cause its a deep fear of mine that i hope you'll help me with and talk me through it and reassure me. You are the one person who hasn't hurt me in any way. Emotionally or physically. You've always been nice to me, always kind, always loving and helpful. Oh this fear runs deep, after being screwed over by the people i cared about so much so many times it grew. Once i tell you...hopefully you can help me.

Happyness

Deric is the most amazing person. He's perfect. He talks me through my thoughts when i start worrying really bad. He makes sure i feel better even when what I'm worrying about sounds crazy. He's the kind of person that i need. He makes me feel better and sticks with me no matter what. It's an amazing feeling having someone like that.

I Did It

Oh my god i did it i did it i did it.....how the fuck did i do that? How i feel right now. I got a 92 on my math test, the one that i was scared about. PLUS i have a 94 in the class! Fuck yeah....now i gotta kick butt in the finals. Bio will be my worst enemy but I'm gonna try and do my best. I can only hope for an A in the class cause ill be so bumbed if i don't get it.

I'm Trying...I'm Trying So Hard

My grade in Bio is a 90.98 right now.....a barely there A. If I don't kick butt on the final ill slip to a B and i really really want an A. Like SUPER bad. I want to get all A's again. I want to feel proud of myself and i want others proud of me. And i feel like if i don't get all A's no one will be. I know that isn't true, but that's how i feel. Yes I've become a perfectionist. Only in school though. But now I'm freaking out a little. Plus I'm kinda anxious right now. Anxiety ridden. I know why, for the most part, and i need to talk to you about it or it'll eat me up. Why am I a worrier? That's so far away from now...yet I'm worrying. I'm anxious about school about doing well about everything. Help me someone please. I'm trying...I'm trying so fucking hard and i want it to mean something. I want everything to be perfect and go perfectly but we all know that doesn't happen...but that's what i want. I want all the love i can get, all the cuddles i can get, all the talks i can get, all the everything i can get. I need us time, i need me time, i need study time, i need friends time. I need to talk, i need to get out my stupid fears and worries. Help me help me please.

Oh What A Life This Is

Nervous out of my mind today, wasn't sure how that whole thing would go, but it went fine. Every thing out in the open and there is no need for any grudges, any hatred, anything really. The past is finally being closed and i feel better about everything now. Apologies were said. Things once thought to have happened are no longer believed and that i think is what made me happiest, i don't want someone to believe a lie. Especially that one. I felt guilty at first cause i didn't know if Deric would be angry at me for it, but he said he wasn't at all and I'm glad for that cause i don't want to make him unhappy. I'm really not sure how my Bio test and lab practical went....I'm nervous for them.....and a week form now is my final. Ugh. I'm hoping i get an A in the class....like I'm hoping i don't fail this math test tomorrow. This craps hard. But my math final i think will actually be easy so thank god for that. Now on to studying for math....yeah...i study for math now...who knew.

The Finale

Maybe that's what i need to get over this. Closure. Well, I'll march my nervous ass over there, get my closure, and then hopefully....feel better in the end and be done with it. Forever. I'm ready for that. Lets let the future take hold and drop the past in well...the past. Tomorrow it will happen.

Bumming

I don't want to wait till Sunday to see my man again. This part about school and work sucks. There is no time to see each other and it isn't like i can spend the night when i have school or work early in the morning. It's just crappy sometimes. I'm just glad after next week i have 3 weeks of school freedom. Plus no work on Mondays so yay. But tonight i would have loved to have spent the night.....my tummy and lower abdomen hurt really bad...like ow pain not stomach ache pain....and having someone hold or kinda rub my tummy sometimes makes it feel better. I wish i saw him more....

I'm Awesome

You know what? I am fucking proud of who i am. Why the heck do i get jealous of other people, why do i even care? OK they have cute clothes, OK they have great hair, OK they have big boobs. What of it though? I'm not like any of them, and that's a good thing, because I'm so much better then them all. In so many ways. For one, I have a great body, some people tell me I'm anorexic and too skinny but the truth is I'm perfectly fine. I try to stay in shape, i eat right, i exercise. I'm sorry you don't eat right and don't ever work out and are chubby, I like looking good. I'm smart. I think i have all A's in my classes right now...not sure in math at the moment but i think its an A or a high B. I see all these kids dropping classes, never going to class, failing and I'm like why even come to school if your just gonna do shitty anyways? I think the people who do that are stupid. They like their party life, do whatever i want life, procrastination life so much more then a better life in the future. I don't do drugs or get drunk off my ass, plus i don't get caught and arrested for having drugs on me. You have no idea how many of the pot heads are getting busted for possession right now...its all i hear about and i laugh to myself because they are all idiots. I have a great and loving and lasting and trusting relationship with an amazing man. You know how many people don't have that? I shit ton. I'm not cheating on my boyfriend and he isn't cheating on me. We don't get into yelling matches with each other or get just pissed off at one another over really stupid stuff. He always tries to make me happy and i him. We don't blow each other off. We don't lie to one another. I have job, one that i don't mind at all and i like the people i work with. People bitch about work a lot at school and i'm like well that sucks for you. You hear all this crap in the student union...you have no idea how easy it is to listen to others conversations there....I'm not a whore, i never was a whore, i never will be a whore. I have only ever slept with my boyfriends. No one else, i can't say the same for some people though. Some peoples record is disturbing. I am me and i am amazing, there is no need to get jealous over others when I'm this awesome to begin with.

I just realized i'm almost ranting about how awesome i am....I'm having an all about me moment.

A Little Of This, A Little That

Well, Tree week has come again...only this time I'm not in it. It's weird because i do miss it. So instead i watched it on Tuesday and on Thursday i sat with my mom and legitally watched it. First time I've really watched tree. Though, tree always makes me sad and I'm not sure why. It's a weird mixed feeling and its almost like i have some repressed memories of tree that are very very bad. But i don't. At least i cant remember when tree was terrible....its just usually cold. It makes me want cuddles from Deric. I miss the time with theater people, although...it was kinda odd with the whole Kaylee thing. I felt weird. Plus there are people there that i just don't care to be around which makes it less fun to be there. But it over all is missed a lot. Earlier me and Deric went to the Festival of Trees which was cool cause i missed it last year so i got to go this year. I like doing things like that with him, it's exciting. I love him so much. He makes my life not boring and enjoyable and hes the most amazing person ever.

Another Time I Guess

Well....here i am again. By myself because not one of my friends tries to schedule something that will fit into my schedule. No one else works...they just go to their big universities and go to class, party, and chill with the new friends they make. Yeah they may work on campus...a whole maybe 10 hours a week where they can do all their homework and stuff....but that really doesn't count as work, at least to me it isn't. Work is what i do, i work 4-5 times a week, 30 hours a week, i can't do my homework, i can study cause i devised a way to do that, and it isn't always fun or easy. Aka today, wake up at 3:30 am for Black Friday, what do my friends do? Go shopping. I get outta work at 1:30, then about have a break down because i am just exhausted and containing my emotions in that state doesn't normally go well, so i go over to Deric's for an hour and a half so i can calm down and deal with the world again. I would have been a wreck if i had gone to hang with anyone....even now I'm tired, just not getting over emotional. So then i text my friends at 3:30 and ask where they are at cause they said they would be hanging out all day and i want to see them before they start their sleepover which I'm not heading to cause I'm exhausted and i gotta wake up at 5 am tomorrow and work another full shift. Guess what, they stopped hanging out till the sleepover cause some people had things they needed to do, like haircuts and stuff. So....I don't get to see my friends. Again. I don't think they understand what working with someones schedule means, probably cause none of them have worked like i have. So, I'm kinda bumbed again, disappointed, but altogether accepting.
I'm glad Deric's ok with comforting me. He just holds me and makes me feel better, and some days that is all i need. He makes me feel loved, and hes never turned me down with hanging out and always tries for me. Hes amazing. Thank you Deric, I love you.

Bursting

I'm getting overwhelmed. The thing is...there is nothing i can really do about it. I HAVE to keep going. I have to go to school, I'm not going to work less because i need the money, I wont cut out my time with my man because that is to precious to me. He keeps me sane. I just need a place to come home to where there are no people who bug me, no chaos, i need a relaxing environment. I need to keep up on my studies, tell myself i can do anything and keep chugging along. I'm doing this for me, my future, my families future...the future one i don't have yet....I gotta keep going. But it is so hard, so hard. I just wan to quit, say fuck it and be done. I wish i could call in to work, but i close most days and i wont screw people over. I just pray i don't lose it.
Plus being stressed makes me feel bad about myself cause it makes me feel like i cant do anything when i know i can, like a bit ago i felt like i had no true talent, like there wasn't one thing i was good at that people would know of. I can't draw amazingly well, i can't sing for shit, i don't stand out, I'm like that average girl with an average life. But i know I'm not.
I wish i had friends i could hang with when i needed. Cause i need them so bad...they are coming in for Thanksgiving weekend, but so far it doesn't seem like they are working with my schedule. I cant stay out late cause i work in the morning and since i work in the morning i cant join them for morning shopping etc. Which they will go on then ill be left out. Then ill try to get together with them....and it wont happen. I will admit that i am jealous of Deric, he goes to his buddies house all the time, has fun, has friends.
Deric is my rock in all of this, i don't know what i would do with out him helping me. I hope he feels the same way about me. I love him so much, we even started cooking dinners with each other, its really nice and even though we've only done 1 dinner, i think well do many more and it'll be out time.

The Love

Thank you for loving me, thank you so so much. Thank you for just cuddling with me, for talking to me, for enjoying being with me, for helping me cook and enjoying the meals i make for you, for believing in me and being proud of me, for being there for me when i don't feel like i can go on, for doing your best to make sure I'm happy. Just thank you for loving me like you do, i never could have imagined someone would love me like you do. And the fact that I love you just as much makes it even more amazing. You make me smile and laugh, you make me ambitious, driven, you make me feel wonderful about myself, you make everything seem right when the world seems wrong. Thank you so much hun, I love you so much.

My Weekend

There is lots to talk about here right now since i haven't been able to really write on here recently. To start off, Deric really helped me out on my off week. I'm glad he helps me out as much as he does. It's a wonderful feeling.
Then this weekend i went to Ferris to see Legally Blonde and to spend the night with Livi. Staying the night was a terrible mistake. We went to a party at her roommate's sister's house with all her theater people. It was just full of drinking and smoking weed. We were up till 4 am waiting for her roommate to feel thoroughly  drunk and clean up the house cause her sister got sick. I knew no one and it was not fun at all. The morning wasn't terrible because we had a cool lunch. My drive home was the funnest part. I went through swamp farm land and saw sheep and goats and a deer farm.
Then today was a good day in general. I love Deric very much, so so much.

Skyward

I've learned something, was thinking about this while i was at work today stuck in the garden hut, I hit a really low low yesterday, but that means one thing. I can only go up from here and its a comforting thought. Its helped me through the day. Plus today's events have been wonderful. Eric and Corine got engaged!!!!!!!! FINALLY! Eric had only the most important people there and it makes you feel good that you are one of those people. It was nice and i am so happy for them both. We all went to the LakeHouse afterwards and just had a great time. Joking and laughing, it was wonderful.

Low Point

I've had an off week. Between home, school, and work. Home has been frustrating to say the least. Me and my mom yelling then me and my sister...all because they say something about someone they shouldn't mention. Their brain to mouth filter apparently likes to malfunction. I can't ever relax and calm down, I'm always somewhat uptight because its hard to be calm and collected at my house. Then there is school, oh joy school. I'm lonely as fuck half the time. The friends i make in class i never see besides class so the hours that i sit by myself are well....by myself. The only thing that's nice is Tyler Karum and he group he hangs out with, they aren't bad people in any way shape or form. Then also Frutchey when i see her. They make it a little better. Karum's group makes me laugh and I'm accepted just like that. They all talk to me and laugh with me, It's nice. It isn't hard trying to become friends with them and there is nothing i need to worry about with them. Although i am hoping that with my gym class starting i can make a few more friends. I've already made 2 kinda and one i see sitting around a lot so there is promise. But all the people that just come up to me are seemingly normal but then of course they are either freakin drug fanatics or gang members....i attract the worst people and i don't know why. Wanna know how i attract them? I sit by myself. It's so dumb. The other day i felt so lonely so i went someplace else to get away from the student union because i was lonely and people i don't like sit there and stare at me from time to time. I sat at a table by myself and listened to my Mumford & Sons radio on Pandora. Wondering if someone normal would sit next to me for once and id make a new friend. But alas, that never does happen now does it. I miss my friends, i can't just call someone up and be like hey lets hang out, no, i have to wait for them to come into town which isn't that often. The only friends i have like that would be Eric right now. Normally i would say Danny to...but after recent events....no not really. Other then that the other people never respond to my texts...no one does anymore. Livi does, she always has, and i really appreciate it. When you are feeling lonely and no one texts you back....well....it makes you feel that much lonelier and crappier. I've also been feeling so low about myself lately too. I have my low points and this is definitely one of them. I don't feel beautiful, or attractive, or anything honestly. I'm just me, a girl who is working for a living, going to school full time, trying to balance all this out with loved ones, and trying to stay afloat. And...it hurts sometimes. I know I'm a strong person, yet, I'm so weak..so overcome with self doubt. I want to cry sometimes, but i don't. I suck it up. Like tonight's possibility with Deric maybe going out with his work buddies to Envy. Might i say I am jealous of him that he has friends he can just go do stuff with and hang out with whenever. But i was nervous about him maybe going, not because i think hes going to go off and cheat on me or anything i trust the guy 100%, but because it was the big Halloween night so girls would be dressed as total sluts. Then he might see these really hot woman and think they are better looking then me etc. There are plenty of woman out there better looking than me and i don't want to ever lose someone to someone like that. I know Deric said he picked me....but when it comes down to it that nasty little voice in the back of my head says well, he can always pick someone else you know. And i know there is the look but no touch rule but what i try to get across is that i want to be the only person he looks at like that or even thinks about doing stuff with like that....i guess i just don't want him to fantasize about doing things with other woman cause idk...they are probably better than me. And i don't trust other people, for one the slutty drunk girls and two the people from his work i don't even know. I don't think they are terrible people i just don't really trust someone till i get to know them or at least have talked to them once. I don't know if i can say anything else here besides yes...i do realize this is a low point for me cause if it isn't i don't know what is then.

Oh Frank

I danced to Frank Sinatra today. :) It was surprisingly enjoyable and if i could i would do it again...but Zumba only has 1 song like that. It makes me want to dance more, but that kind of dancing. Not like GoGo dancing, though i still like that kind of dancing, huh...I should probably take a dance class. lol. Idk how to explain how i felt dancing to Frank, i would like to do that maybe with Deric sometime. It would be nice.

Blip Of A Memory

How strange, having a picture come into your mind that is as clear as a memory and even seems like one....yet there is no possible way it could be because it hasn't happened yet, there is no possible way that it could have. Yet...it seems as though it happened yesterday. When this happens they are always good memory like blips, and they have only ever happened during certain thoughts. I don't know what it means, but they are comforting. Makes me wonder and hope that they become real memories.

Yummy ;P

The shower today was delectable. Very hot, very...oh...yummy. You know, massage oil, hot boyfriend, a shower, the works. Sleeping over was nice to. I've learned that Jim does not know how to be quiet when other people are sleeping cause all i heard was him banging things around and his loud voice...but that happens....Cameron's like that. I was comfy and cozy all night long and i had my wonderful man beside me which i always love because waking up next to him is so nice. I had a goodnight and a good morning. :)

Everything Works Out

Thank god for car insurance and thankfully i have full coverage, cause the $1500 that i would need for repairs to my poor car is being fully covered by the insurance. Plus no deductible. That was a very very happy moment for me, plus i hopefully get it back tomorrow. Yay.
I had an interesting day with Deric the other day. Very interesting. We watched some stuff that well, was very awkward to watch with your significant other. Even though its what Deric wanted to do he said it was awkward too so i don't feel bad about feeling weird. But hey, we tried something new. But the day altogether was really nice, really really nice. I love him very much.
I got a 94 on my math test! Fuck yeah! I tried and i did well. Now i need to do well on my bio quiz on Monday...kinda worried about this one...there's a LOT to it. But so far I'm doing well in college and I'm proud of myself.  Hopefully that can continue.
I need to find someplace else to sit in college....the pot head/druggies are getting ridiculously attached to me. They won't, absolutely will not, leave me alone. Plus today i wanted to punch Robert because he kept pestering me. He threw my binder on the floor and kept trying to turn off my laptop and taking my math stuff.   Then he decided to tell some people i graduated with that i could compete with this huge pot head dude and the people just looked at me and were like no way you smoke? Now they think I'm a pot head...fuck me.......Sigh, college can be annoying.

Thank You

When I'm talking to Deric and in the middle of the conversation he says I love you. I thought it was cute and even though it was a random short conversation while he was on break at work it made me feel better. If you can't tell from my last post I'm a little on the unnerved and pissed side....and it never fails that Deric makes me feel better. He always does. I love him so much and i am so thankful for him.

I'm Just....Pissed/Livid/Many Other Emotions I Can't Even Express

Why the fuck do i have the worst fucking luck with cars. Like seriously? Not only do i have continual repairs on my car that i have paid a freakin lot for, which i thought were all done because everything was going smoothly and it was all working great, no i have to deal with a hit and run done to my damn car. Yeah, what luck. It sits out on the terrace for one night and someone hits the damn thing. Front bumper is a bit jacked and the front headlight is smashed. PLUS its making a weird sound every once in awhile and whatever that is needs to be fixed as well. My dad thinks a belt is coming loose but I'm just not sure at this point. WHY? I wanted to just start paying my bills and saving finally now that i didn't have all these repairs. After getting a head gasket replaced after i blew one, after trying to get the oil and everything else that leaked fixed, after getting a new radiator and having the car towed to Gomrey's, after EVERYTHING......I now deal with this. This thing that never happens to people, but it happens to me. So nope on saving fucking anything for awhile again. Plus I'm kinda hating myself a bit because i did just go to Victoria's Secret and buy a little night time lingerie because i wanted one and i wanted to surprise Deric with something new....but right now I'm thinking it was money i didn't need to spend...but i wanted to i really did. I like the thing and so does Deric, but after this car thing I'm finding all the extra money I'm spending a bad thing. Ugh, i was having a good day to. I learned all the things from the first lecture for the next upcoming Bio quiz, i did Deric's laundry for him, we cuddled, and had some lovely fun...but i guess the good things don't last so long as we would wish.

I'm just in a great need of some comfort...I'm upset...

My Life And Its Oddities

Enjoying the nice fall weather. I really would like to just sit in front of a fire drinking either tea or hot cider, maybe have a carmel apple or just some nice fall food....i wrote this yesterday, lol, I'm still enjoying fall today, just not as much.

I'm sick, well, kinda sick, I'm fighting it a lot. I don't want to be sick, i was so much last year it was ridiculous. I think the only reason i am getting sick, cause i wasn't before, is because of my period. My immune system always takes a vacation around then. It makes it kinda suck being a girl. It keeps getting better...then worse...then better...then worse.....it's annoying. I just hope i can beat it before it has a chance to really become a cold.

Me and Deric went to the cemetery today finally. It was enjoyable. I like going there, ill be weird and admit that. Its peaceful, interesting, and just different.

So i was thinking today about my conversation with someone at college the other day. We played a 20 questions kinda thing because we didn't know each other and the person we both did know left the table and we were left by ourselves. He asked me what my 5 favorite bands were....and this made me feel like i was from another planet....aka people don't enjoy true music. I was thinking and i came up with Mumford & Sons (duh), Florance and the Machine (another DUH), had to think some more...then was like oh! I do like Nickelback, always have i wont lie even though a lot of people hate them...i don't understand why really. The look i got from this kid...wow...i know for a fact he had no clue who any of them were besides Nickelback...which i can tell he didn't like. It was like i was a really sad individual who had no taste....sigh...he went on to say Blink 182 and things like that. Typical for someone like him, no offense or anything, but it didn't surprise me one bit. I think the conversation went downhill from there cause i went on to say that i really don't have a large amount of favorite groups, i like a little bit of everything, just depends on my mood. He was like...oh.....conversation kinda ended there as more people finally walked up. Made me realize how different my tastes are from other people, and i am ok with that. It makes me me and different.

RIP the microwave, it died a smelly smelly death. I have never had ice cream smell like burnt plastic before. lol.

Breaking Free

I feel like a jerk, to myself and to others. I don't even understand myself sometimes. And the fact that i have a man who loves me to death even when i act so stupid....why do i deserve that? I don't know why i deserve him, i don't deserve something like him. And for the reason i acted like that, that's why i feel so stupid. I wasn't having good thoughts....about myself, about everything....and then, suddenly they all went away, i felt like my insides broke, but in a good way. And such a little thing did that to, made me melt, just Deric holding my hand and rubbing it and my ring with a look on his face that is something i cant begin to describe. It made me feel so dumb, and so loved, and everything at once. Its what i needed, i was going into a rut, and not a good one, and thankfully i broke free from it. Thank you Deric, you mean the world to me, I love you so much, I am so sorry for my mood, so sorry. You make everything in my life that much better.

In Desperate Need Of Female Friends

Reveling in thought, emotion, and music. Suppressing some thoughts, things id rather not think about. Like the ache i have for friends. My friends aren't here, i need to make new ones. Much fuckin harder than it looks. Reason why i one, have a much harder time befriending a female, and two, why i hate being able to make quick friends with guys. I need female friends, i need the gossip. I am a girl for peat's sake. And i need people who Deric wont be uncomfortable with. Hell, if I'm with a guy by myself I'm generally weary because i seem to not have the best luck because it seems people always step over the boundaries or say something they shouldn't. They don't understand that i am taken and have no want or need for them or anyone else for that matter. I just want someone to talk to really...and be available when i am bored with nothing to do. I mean, I go to school, then i go to work, and Deric goes to work, then i get home, do my homework, and go to bed. On my weekends, i go to work, and while I'm still at work Deric goes to work so when i get home i either study, read, do homework, or sit by myself in my boredom. I know i have friends, but i want ones that are in town cause none of mine are. I love Deric to death but he isn't always available, and Eric is usually working as well as Hoss, and Danny...whom I'm less apt to see alone....so I'm stuck. Guys open up much easier then girls do though so it is much easier to make friends with them, girls are stuck in there niches and very rarely bring others in. Girls can be mean to, and less or more trusting depending on the situation. Sigh, this is a pointless rant. I'll get to the point, it is hard making friends, well, ones that will hang out with you at least.

Listening to the glitch mob, the music tugs at different emotions, its very strange, but i like it.

Just finished all three 50 shades books. OMG I LOVE THEM. They are so good...i could go one forever about them, so so so so good!

Bragging A Little

"Fist pump" I'm doing awesome in college. I got an A on my psych test, then i looked online to see if my bio test was in and guess what? Got an A on that to! got a B on the lab practical but my overall grade is a 92 so fuck yeah! I was so proud of myself, which, it may sound weird, but i think its kinda hard for me to be proud of myself. Like it is and it isn't. I will admit it, but when i get something like those awesome grades i am so happy with myself but i crave the approval of someone else. I will admit that. I like it when people tell me how well I'm doing...well certain people....family gets annoying after awhile cause you hear it all the time. lol. But like friends or Deric, i feel even better when they tell me they are proud of me or something along those lines. Plus i am not always sure what to do with myself when I'm proud of myself. I wish i could give myself a giant hug or something or reward myself in a cool way that doesn't involve me having to spend a bunch of money. That's something else I'm not always too fond of, spending needless money, if other do it that doesn't bother me really, its when i do. But i bought myself Chinese today. Very yummy. My mood right now is great. I'm comfy, relaxed, loving the feeling of fall, and content. Life right now, besides the small downs, is actually pretty damn good.

Happy

I think i could relive this moment forever in my mind. Just me and Deric, cuddling on his bed under the sheets, him cuddled up into me, while listening to a mixture of Mumford and Sons and Florance and the Machine. I was upset, overwhelmed, and Deric was comforting me. While he snuggled into my side i was just thinking and he was watching and cuddling. He would smile periodically and i asked him what was up and he said he was happy. Happy. A small smile went with it. This smile and those words mean everything to me. The sereneness of the moment and the calmness of it made it that much more. I want to relive this moment again, i know i can, i hope i get the opportunity to.

I read the first book of the 50 shades series. It was so good, very tantalizing, frustrating, and such a good read. People are giving me a lot of crap for reading it, but i don't care at all. I loved the book. The ending was so sad though! GAH. But in a weird way, i can relate to the book a lot and his has made me really think.     It is so peculiar. I don't know how to explain it.

Never Again

A little peeved with people at the college....like seriously? Lets be immature why don't we and talk about someone and basically be mean about someone who doesn't even freakin know you or even talk to you. But you know her because someone made a big deal about her long ago so you know her and who she is and laugh at her behind her back. WTF. I hate people. So never again. People tend to piss me off a lot if you couldn't tell.

I Decided

So, my weekend was pretty good. I went to the Irish Festival 2 days in a row and got to see Gaelic Storm, so freaking good. I just wished that Deric could have been there, i miss doing things like that with him. Then afterwards we all went to Tyler's house and just laughed our heads off at so many random things, even if it was stupid and makes no sense now why it was so funny, it was all so worth it. I also got to spend time with Livi earlier that day. That was nice. Then Tyler gave us all a proposition to think about, and i have thought about it, and i thought maybe i could, just maybe i could get over myself and be fine with it because it is with my friends and all....but as i think about it more, I don't think its going to happen. I'm still uncomfortable with it, and i do not want to put myself in a position where ill be ungodly uncomfortable and it'll end up being the most awkward thing of my life. Plus, i don't need it and i don't need to do drugs. I honestly barely have enough time for myself, my work, my school work, my friends, and Deric that trying to add yet another thing into the picture seems kinda dumb to me. I'm not going to rag on pot, but i am going to say that it isn't for me and i know that and i think I'm ok with saying that finally. I just, I'm glad i finally made a decision about it, i just hope people are ok with that.
Way off topic, but i really want to spend the night at Deric's, i miss his cuddles and the loving i get from him. Even though i just came from his house, i miss him already. I love him so much, it's almost ridiculous.
Birthday on Friday. :)

Not A Good Day

I stayed up late doing homework last night. Like 1:30 instead of midnight like i normally do. I got sleep after that but before i fell asleep i started getting a headache, which i still have today and i think its more like a migraine. I can't concentrate worth shit. For some reason the past few days I've been feeling nauseous and today its been really bad. Food hasn't been appealing. I'm frustrated with myself and others and i really do not want to go to work for 6 hours today. It's going to be dead slow and pointless. I want to do my homework, i want to cuddle and get a lot of loving, and i want to sleep.

College And Its Surprises And A Little Of Life

I don't really know how to start this one cause i want to talk about college but i also want to talk about tonight. I think ill go with tonight first, just cause i feel like an understanding is still not there...

So, as i said in a previous post, Deric said he is quitting, i don't really know for how long but for now he is...besides tonight cause its his friend's Eric's birthday and i guess when its a birthday or celebration that's just what you do. I will always worry about it though, no matter what. I still am not comfortable with it, i never got the chance to fully be OK with it. Not that i want to have that chance cause in truth i would rather not, but it will always make me a little worried that night or a bit uncomfortable to talk about. I just want everything to be ok and have nothing go wrong and have Deric be safe. Even if it does make me uncomfortable i will support you and I'm not gonna blurt out and say no you cant. I wont do that to you. I just hope that when you say you aren't/wont do it you really are and that when you say only a little bit and nothing huge you mean that to and that's actually what you do and you aren't saying that just to make me feel better because it would make me feel worse if you did. But I do love you very much and no matter what I will support you and love you and do my best to understand. I will always do my best.

Now college, definitely a place of strange happenings. People i thought i wouldn't even talk to now could be possible friends. The people they are associated with hell no i will never say a word to. But being in my class and all and them not understanding the work and me being able to help, I have a little group of people in my math class now. The guy, Nick, from the garden club who's in my math class....it was so nice to sit next to someone who actually talked to me today, that class was kinda lonely...is my friend now. While working after our professor let class out today on a worksheet that is due Thursday...we got it done btw....Jeremy actually came up and sat next to me and asked for help. I give him a thousand props for that, being who he is and who is girlfriend is, i thought that took a little guts. I do not have anything against him personally, just who he is with. So i helped him and me, him, and Nick worked together. The class is no longer lonely and i may have made an unexpected friend. College is, strange. Then on my first Psych test i got an A on the multiple choice part. Yay! I do have to be more careful though because i answered D on one question instead of B when i knew the answer was B.....my dyslexia made me get the answer wrong cause i filled in the bubble i thought was B. I just have to catch that when it happens. But i was so proud of myself for that. Now i just need to get all A's this term and I'll be awesome. Haha.

I'm gonna head to bed though cause it's 1:30 and I'm tired and done with homework and i have Bio in the morning. So night.

It's Been Awhile

I haven't been on here in awhile, sorry, I've been busy. I mean i started college and all.

Yep, new chapter of my life has officially started. College. All of my friends no longer are in town unless it's a holiday or something and i am here by myself besides Deric. It can be a little lonely. But i guess with work and my homework i don't really get a chance to think about being by my lonesome sometimes. College itself is interesting. All of my classes are on the same floor and two are even in the same room, i am an awesome scheduler. lol. Sucky part is that i don't really know anyone in my classes...some people i know are in there but not the people i ever really talked to....and when i have my hour and a half break in between classes i sit by myself and eat by myself. I just people watch, do my homework, etc. I did make a friend in my bio lab though, her name is Alexis, shes really cool and nice. But in my math class and psych class its hard to talk to people cause its a lecture and you really aren't supposed to be socialising. I hope that changes a little though cause i want to meet people and make friends. Being alone at a school sucks. On the second floor, which is the one all my classes are on, there is a student union, which happens to be where all the weird people gather. You think there are weird people at your high school, well they all come together from every school here into a corner where they play video games, act really weird, and basically be as freaking loud as they want to be. SO annoying, and I'm far from the only person who thinks that they are. Far far from it. The other sucky thing is that people i don't like are there and i see them like every day. Ronni for one is there, shes said hi to me a couple times but that's all thankfully, then Alyssa is there to...joy...i pass her like everyday and before my math class her and her boyfriend are in the student union where i chill before class to and they stare at me a little. Funny thing is is that her boyfriend is in my math class....crap part is that the kid stares at me all the freakin time, i swear. But alas, its college and that kinda stuff will happen. Nothing i can do about it. My psych class is apparently super hard according to the professor, we are all gonna basically fail his first test according to him. Joy, maybe ill become a super student and just study when I'm lonely and by myself, and not at work, i could be awesome then, i could be. Work is going fine, i don't work on Mondays which is my time with Deric cause the rest of the week is chaos. I'm working a lot to, like this week i have 27-28 hours now that i didn't have a lunch today cause it was scheduled stupidly. Next week i think i have like 24-25 hours, so i mean I'm making money. Me and Deric had our 2 year anniversary. I love him very much and i cant wait to spend more years with him. He got me 2 roses for 2 years and an amazing card. First card hes ever gotten me to. It was very nice. I made him a cool melting crayon picture, which i had a lot of fun making. We went to a fancy restaurant called Kobe's which was really yummy and cool. I liked the atmosphere a lot. The day before our actual anniversary we went to Club Envy's Summer Foam Party which we both helped set up for so we got in for free and got free drinks and such. Gotta love knowing people. The foam pit is like a giant bubble bath, just without all the water. Quite interesting and fun. Deric was in love with the foam. lol. Eric, Danny, and Hoss were both there and it was fun being with everyone.

Kinda a little upset right now though, i was supposed to be hanging with Kat and Livi tonight but Kat thought that it was tomorrow so they changed the day and i work all day tomorrow so i cant. On top of that Kat's on a date so she isn't going to hang out and Livi is really exhausted so she probably wont want to either......I'm lonely as fuck right now and i feel left out and upset. Not cool. Nights like this suck. I guess I'm just gonna go and do more homework and go to Deric's house and do even more homework and play Skyrim if the Internet is alive. Keep my mind off of being lonely.

Loving

So I just really wanted to say that I love you. You are an absolutely amazing person. You always help me when i need it, your there for me, you protect me and keep me safe, you love me, you cuddle with me, you deal with me when I'm not at my best, your truly wonderful. Its almost 2 years now to and i can't wait for many more to come because if they are with you i know they will be good. I love you so much.

A Little This And That

I want some major cuddles right now. MAJOR. Since schools starting soon and I'm still working my butt off, I'm going to get a lot less time for that. I'm gonna see Deric a lot less to, heck I'm going to see everyone less. There all going to be gone in like 5 days. Ill be the only one left. If I'm bored and wanna hang out with people i wont be able to. Even just talking with people will be hard cause they will all be away.

Huh, strange but good phone call just now. Deric's gonna stop completely. Has nothing to do with me so its a good thing. Tonight's the last night then hes apparently done. I'm not gonna say completely done because there will probably be more times in there someplace. But that could be months or even years from now, who knows. I do have questions though, out of curiosity of course. That to me don't make total sense, but hey ill know tomorrow.

For now though I'm gonna go to bed since i gotta wake up at 6:45am. :(

A Few Little Things

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY DERIC!!!!!!!!

I love you very much and i think you had a good day so that's nice, and i know you loved your cakes too cause they're amazing cakes to begin with. So yay to being 20 now.


To myself, this has nothing to do with what i wrote above just saying, but I'm slowly...and hopefully...getting better with it because tonight i cant tell you no...its your birthday for peats sake, you can do whatever you want. But I'm not freaking out right now. I just feel kinda sick and I'm not 100% sure why that is, but that must mean I'm getting better. Right? I cant wait for Monday, i have the day off and that's when i do my part in Deric's birthday gifts. We are also going to dinner at a very nice restaurant which should be cool. But that's all for now, I'm doing my best and it seems to be working a little.

Adore

This is how you know someone loves you and adores you with everything they have. They make you speechless and help you when you fall. And they love you so much.

I'm Trying...Very Hard, For You

I'm trying, i really am trying. Whenever i think about that stuff right now i try to push it aside and just not think about it. You have no clue how hard it is, but I'm trying, for you. I've never tried this hard for someone so please understand. If you can't understand put yourself in my position, think about what I'm going through. Think about what I'm trying to do. I'm pushing aside everything that has been put into my head about that stuff, I'm pushing aside my feeling about it and what i really want to say to you about it. What i really want you to do. But i wont say that to you because I'm not going to be that person. I'm going to live with it and deal with it and learn because it is what you do and who you are so i need to get over it and understand myself. Maybe one day you'll understand my position, maybe not. Just know that I'm trying for you. I wish you knew how i felt sometimes....that would help you to understand why i worry and why i don't like it. But I love you more than anything so even if there are things i don't like that you do i can still deal with them and live with them because I love you. I'm glad you are on my side for this the best you can be, it lets me know that you love me to, and that means more than anything.

Vacation = Success

Oh vacation, it was so much fun. Ill give you a run down of the week because there is no other way to begin.
Thursday: I got up and packed for the week, then i was about to go and get my eyebrows done when Maddie came over and needed to talk because she had just broken up with her boyfriend. So Thursday started a little bit later then planned. But once i got over to Deric's i woke him up and we just kind of chilled for awhile then we eventually got ready for Envy. When we headed out we walked right up and found Eric and Hoss talking to each other so we chatted for a bit. We chilled inside Envy for a looong time because it really didn't get busy till about midnight which kinda sucked, plus the DJ sucked butt. :( BUT, i think I'm going to aspire to be a gogo dancer. I love dancing and it would be amazing. So you may see me on stage one day...maybe.
Friday: We again just chilled for awhile...we may have gone to the mall at some point, i cant remember exactly...but at 1 i went and got my tattoo touched up and got my peace sign behind my ear. Then we picked up Maddie and went and saw Tyler W's play. While there we saw Eric again, go figure. lol. Terrible spot ops, just horrid....but Eric wasn't allowed to get his own so it wasn't his fault. The theater was also very warm but the play was really funny so it made up for it and Tyler did a wonderful job. Afterwards we stopped at a corner store and bought cigars for Tyler because he wanted one. Then we headed to Tyler's for a scary movie night. There we hung out with people, i smoked my first cigar, and we watched Paranormal Activity 3. Then me and Deric headed out and went home.
Saturday: The LONG day. Deric had to wake up at 9 so he could help move his aunt's stove so him, his mom and Jim left for a good hour and i was by myself. I wanted to keep sleeping but Jim's dog, Freedom, apparently unknown to everyone barks and barks and howls when no one is home...try sleeping with that. So i started to get ready while talking to the dog. Then they came home and me and Deric headed to the beach where his grandparents did their renewals. I was dragged into the water by Deric and his grandma. Fun stuff. But then we headed to their house for the pig roast where Deric had to carve the pig, which wasn't too bad just messy. We had a good time. From there i had to go meet up with the girls real quick to take a picture then we headed to the mall really quickly and then his Aunts house for a bonfire. We didn't stay too long because we were both exhausted. But that was nice too.
Sunday: Tubing day! We got a text from Eric in the morning saying he didn't feel well so he wasn't going. That isn't really why he didn't go but we'll say it is. But luckily Danny went so we had a blast with him, Bill, Andrew, Erin, and Mike. We even saw a bald eagle. Yeah, a real wild one. SO cool. After that we went shopping for our food and got everything ready for the morning, we even got Chinese and ate at the beach where we saw none other than Eric and Corine. Then we just chilled for the night though.
Monday: We went camping. Met at his grandparents house where we then followed his grandpa up to the property. It was a long but fun drive because i had my new Florance and the Machine CD. But we got everything put together, put our stuff away and got settled at the property. I even went skinny dipping for the first time. A lot of firsts this week. There was also a thing with llama, but i wont say what that was. But a huge storm rolled in that night, like HUGE. But we were in the 5th wheel and comfy. I even found a toad that day.
Tuesday: Hung out all day, cooking, talking, swimming, tanning, just having fun. Its nice not to wear a shirt for like 4 days, there's a freedom to it. Deric made steaks that night but must have cooked his wrong because he got sick that night poor thing. I found another toad that day.
Wednesday: Packing cleaning and getting ready to leave. We found green frog. Had a long but nice drive back and made it in great time. We showered, unpacked, shaved Deric's head, and went to grandma night. Then we hung out for a little bit till i went home.

And that was our vacation. I loved every minute i spent with him, so amazing. Well worth it and a great week.

Today, Tomorrow, The Week

Today was a good day, Deric spent my lunch with me and we went to Taco Bell and ate yummy food. I'm still kinda feeling yucky from my tubing trip because i had a little more than i needed to to sip. I have the shittiest tolerance nowadays. It used to be like water now its like fire in my tummy. It sucks. I want to be able to so when I'm 21 i can actually have something and not get sick from it. My body might not be able to handle it anymore or something happened and its like, hell no! Never again....cause that's what it feels like. I know that on our tubing trip on Sunday there will be nothing happening for me because i don't want to get sick and ruin our vacation....i would never forgive myself. With that in mind our vacation is gonna be a blast! Thursday is Envy...heck yeah...I've been dying to go. Friday is my tattoo touch up and the new one, Tyler's play and possibly scary movies. Saturday is Deric's grandparents 25th anniversary shin dig, it should be fun. Then Sunday tubing again and then heading up to the property. Sunday evening till Wednesday is camping. Just me and Deric, hanging out, exploring, cuddling under the stars, having fun, i can't wait for it. It's gonna be SO much fun! 3 days!

Pretty Fun Days

So a couple of days ago i spent the night at Deric's. We were going to have a picnic if weather permitted, but like always in Michigan, the weather hates you so it was like down pouring so instead we made dinner and ate it at home, but not just any dinner, it was a steak dinner. Made by none other than my amazing man. It was delicious. Then we watched Phantom of the Opera and cuddled. We fell asleep and it was a good night. When we woke up we just chilled and talked and took a shower. Then, of course, i get the feeling like I'm gonna pass out and puke my guts up. I don't really understand why this happens to me cause it never has really happened before. The only thing i can think of is that it's because i wake up and don't eat for awhile so something goes amis in my body and makes me feel like that. I really need to talk to my docter about it. It concerns me a little. But other then that it was a great day with Deric.
So then today i went tubing with my friends. Eric, Corine, Danny, Linda, and relatives of Eric went. I got burned but overall it was pretty enjoyable. A few things bugged me about it though like the little kids that went along and kept pulling us towards shore. It was fun but i really wished Deric could have come along, i like being able to spend time like that with him. Next time though, next time.

8 Days Till Heaven

8 days, 8 days, 8 days.......yay yay yay. I'm so pumped and excited. Our vacation is gonna be a blast. Just me and Deric hanging out and being cute and awesome. And tomorrow we get to hang out together because we both have it off. Yay. Maybe we'll do the beach or who knows. I just want it to be fun and cute and happy....maybe a picnic. 0_0 Yeah...i like that idea. I have work days up the shit before hand...but i can do it, i can do anything. I'm that awesome. I'm just happy right now after being so frustrated earlier about my damn car. But nope, not gonna stay like that. I have crafty ideas for a present for Deric that's super fun and I'm excited to do it. My moms going to do something like it to because she wants to do it to. So pumped. Plus i just want night time kisses when I'm asleep again and cuddles and hugs. They make me feel happy and loved and safe. Like i have a wonderful warm blanket around me that's actually a loving person who adores me like i adore him. Can you tell I'm a little hyped right now? lol. Oh and something that i did earlier, i was listening through my voicemail so i could delete the stupid ones and voice mails from Deric came up and in the split second his voice popped up i felt very happy. It was soothing and i felt comforted and everything...just from the sound of his voice....it probably helped to that they were of him saying he loved me...but it was so nice. I cant wait for Thursday.

I Couldnt't Ask For More

Last night meant the world to me....even though we weren't able to do what i wanted to do....it was wonderful. Its the little things that mean so much to me. I guess, what I've been feeling lately is that i was kinda left out and feeling slightly unloved. But, i don't feel that way anymore. Deric is trying his best and that's all i can ask for. We walked the pier and saw the sunset which was nice, then we went and got food at Meijers and headed back to his house. We watched a movie and cuddled. Then we fell asleep and though out the night whenever Deric woke up he would kiss me. I woke up for a few of them, and i honestly was blown away. It was the nicest, cutest, most wonderful and simple gesture that anyone has ever done for me. It is a memory that will forever stay in my mind. Then there was a moment when i cuddled up to him and i think my shoulder was out of the blanket and he covered it up. Just little things like that i adore. Deric is the best guy in the world and i shouldn't get annoyed with him for stupid stuff like i was yesterday....that isn't right and he doesn't deserve that. So like him, I'm trying my best to to also do things better and be just happy to be with him whenever i get the chance. I think our vacation is going to really help us out, its just going to be us and us alone. I love Deric so much and i couldn't ever ask for more.

Turmoil

Feeling lonely with my mind in turmoil.....and this damn ibuprofen ain't working, i think I've become immune to it i swear.....must try Advil next.

Nut Shell

This is kinda a downer from my last post. lol. But I'm just kinda in a blah mood right now. Kinda bumbed, kinda bored, kinda lonely, kinda happy but kinda not, in pain with both my back and knees, undecided, wanting to have the time I'm looking for. There's a lot of reasons for these feelings. The pain is a no brainer though, works killing my knees and my bed is killing my back...or at least sitting/laying for long periods of time kills it. Undecided because i don't know what to do on Thursday now, Deric's going tubing with his coworkers and some of their friends then, its his day off and one of mine, so the bumbed part is coming in because we don't get days off together often and hes going to be gone all day on this one, we were going to go to Envy after he got back....I'm hoping he isn't too burnt out to do something when he gets back....but its 70's and 80's night and he said he wasn't really sure he wanted to go because he'd feel weird and i don't like going and doing something if he isn't going to have as much fun as he could. He suggested a movie...but personally....I'm not really sure i want to go see one because i want to do something with him that we can interact with each other. I don't want to sit and have to be quiet for a super long time and not get to really BE with him. So you can see why I'm undecided. The happy but kinda not stems from all that. Lonely because, well, even though there are 5 people in my house....it gets lonely. It really does. And wanting to have the time I'm looking for is just getting to be with Deric, which is why I'm glad our vacation is in 16 days. Its gonna be a blast. Now, I'm happy that Deric is going tubing, he deserves it because like he said...he doesn't get out and do much like he should. I know hes gonna have fun to which I'm happy about, and around noon that day I'm going to the college to garden...i guess its the garden club and my bio teacher invited me to join so i figured why not? It gets me used to the college before i start and i meet new people and have fun. So I'm looking forward to that. And hopefully ill have my car back that day or the day after...i miss it so much. I went to get some things out of it and it was sad to see it just sitting there. Its like a child. lol. But hopefully Deric gets back from tubing before the time we had said he will hopefully be back by, which was 9. Cause i mean just this once, when hes done tubing and heads back to Eric's house, id like it if he didn't chill there for awhile cause Eric already had him like the whole day....and i want to see him too. So I'm hoping he does get back before 9 so we can actually do something. But yeah, that's how i feel right now in a nut shell. Oh, and I'm also waiting for my AP scores to come in because i have to switch some classes but cant till they show up....which they better freakin do soon!! I want them! Haha. So, I'm hoping this post didn't/doesn't sound bitchy/whiny/anything else like that now that I'm thinking about it, cause it isn't meant to. But i think thats all...i think...i may be wrong....but i think im gonna end this post now....so goodnight world. ^-^

Keeping My Head High

Well, life doesn't always go the way you want it to...and that's definitely my life at the moment. My car needed the few repairs that it came with and also the coolant leak....but then it all when wrong when we here in Muskegon are getting 100+ degree weather...its hotter than Florida here....and we are trying to get my car to the mechanic and it overheats....and blows a head gasket. So...a max of $300 repairs for me turns into a grand worth of repairs. Ill get the car back next week.....and have like no money left...even in the bank. Which for me is weird...cause i have things i gotta pay for and I'm kinda nervous about things. I did freak out a little bit about it at first....but I'm learning to relax and not worry about things. So, I'm dealing with things and taking it as it comes. Yeah I'm paying another grand for a mistake i made, but it isn't the end of the world. Ill still have a car and i have a job that'll help me bring my bank account back up. I have a boyfriend who supports me and loves me and helps me to relax. I have things to be happy about. There is no need to freak out about one thing when you can be happy about so much more. Plus me and Deric's vacation is coming up here soon. Less then 20 days. Yay. Plus on the 27th I'm getting my hip tattoo touched up PLUS I'm also getting a peace sign tattoo behind my ear. I'm so PUMPED. I really cant wait and I'm heading on into the world with my head held high.

Learning

I feel like I've learned a lot about myself in the past few days. Mainly from me and Deric's long talk last night. Some parts of it scared me, mainly because things were hit so dead on that i didn't understand how anyone could see that or know that just from talking to me. I also know that i am a strong woman. I can go through life and do anything and everything that i want to. Once my mind has been set, it happens. If anyone doubts me or tells me that im not good enough, then fuck them. They know nothing and are not worth even looking at or caring about. Memories need to be concured and not locked up and thrown away because that makes them burn you alive and even become so tainted that you forget them completly. As i have some memories, but i know how to handle them if they ever resurface now. I also know now that saying you can't live without someone is a scary thing to say and the wrong way to say something. It's, I don't want to live without you, ever. I'm learning a lot...and all i can hope for is that the future is a happy one and goes the best way possible and that the people i love are still with me. That's all i can hope for. For know though I'm going to live my life and be happy and I'm going to treasure every moment that i have with people.

Want

You know what I want......some very loving words, cute kisses and cuddles. Yup, that's what i want.

All Together

I know i have many things i want to say right now...I just, don't know how to say them. Or how to say them so people don't get the wrong idea and think I'm meaning something completly different when I'm not. So i probably won't say them all on here....any really....for that fact. I just, idk, many mixed emotions and strange ones. I don't know where to place them all or even if they all have a place. I know where some belong, but others not. And i just know i have them all. Sigh

How Things Turn Out

So, things did happen and turn out in different ways from my last post, so here they are.

One, Me and Deric's vacation is 100% set now, i watched Kim put in the days and change things, so its a go. I'm super relieved about it, i was going to really bumbed if it didn't work out. But i know for sure that everything is fine and I'm so glad. We need this vacation, heck, we deserve it. From everything we've had to deal with and go through. We deserve it. I know its going to be awesome to, hanging with just him for a week. I'm happy about it.
Two, That car i looked at, yeah, i bought it. With my own dang money to, no help from parents or crap like that that a lot of people get, nope. All me, and I'm pretty darn proud of my little car....I may not seem like it or act like it...but i am. Its a 2000 Toyota Camry, its silver and now has a Legend of Zelda vinyl on the back window. My own car has finally happened, its a good and strange feeling, I'm not used to spending so much on myself like that...i think i went into money shock from it. But hey, now we can travel places and for sure go on our vacation and i don't need rides from everyone anymore and i can go places an not really ask. Yay.
Third, JAFAX was SO disappointing. Like, i honestly was upset by it. They changed the layout of everything this year so they had vendors in rooms and you had to go room to room....imagine a crap ton of people trying to fit into little tiny rooms with little tiny doors all dressed up in weird costumes and stuff....yeah...doesn't work. Plus it was harder to see people dressed up and really appreciate everything. Or even see everything at once so you knew what you wanted to buy. Idk, i was disappointed. Other people may have loved it...but it didn't impress me what so ever.
Fourth, We are still working on a bigger mattress, but its gonna happen soon, it needs to.
Fifth, I need to go to the chiropractor asap because my back is so bad right now. I feel like some old lady or even a pregnant woman the way I'm walking. lol. I cant stand up straight or if i do it feels funny and i look funny. I hate having a bad back....
Sixth, been looking at some stuff, just cause, and I'm finding that things aren't as expensive as i had thought they were and I'm happy about that.
Seventh, I found out that Deric's cousin Dayton, the one who's been in jail etc, got his girlfriend, the one who's been on probation for beating the shit out of people, pregnant. They are both going to be seniors, shes 17 as of right now, and how they both are, that's a terrible environment for a baby. I'm just really wondering whats going to happen with that. I also have odd feelings about it which i wont really say on here, but i think they're odd.
Eight, All of my friends are in either Europe, Greece, or Hawaii right now, so i basically have no contact with them and i don't see them. From this guess what i just realized? This is what its going to be like when they all leave for college...joy. I don't like it, but i have to get over it because i can do nothing about it.

I feel like i have more to say on here, but I'm really tired and i want to go to bed so ill just have to post some more later. Plus i want to get to Deric's earlier tomorrow so we can cuddle and nap. So goodnight to the few who read my blog.

There's A Lot To Do...

So a few things:

One, I'm feeling more like myself again and I'm liking that. Tonight me and Deric had a good talk with one another and it really helped me. I love him to death and he helps me through everything and he puts up with me when I'm a little insane at times. Hes one hell of a great guy. But I'm just glad everything is straightening out. It feels good.
Two, FRUSTRATION. Our vacation week was all set and a go until Deric's manager became a bitch and decided to take 3 of the days away. Now I'm trying to figure out if i can switch days at work for me and everything and I talked to Kim and she said everything was a go and all set....but when i looked at the schedule and everything those days got cancelled so that means no so I'm now confused and have to go into work yet again to talk to her and ask her whats up...shes gonna get annoyed with me....but if i don't get those days switched....like, our vacation isn't really a vacation...and we wont get to go camping. Ill probably cry if this doesn't work out. Just saying.
Third, Looking at a car tomorrow. Hopefully something comes about it and ill have my own car. Nervous about looking at it cause i don't want to feel obligated to say yes or something. I just don't want pressure at all. Eventually i will find my own car though and i will have a car....by our hopeful vacation week is a must or camping cant happen even if all works out. So I'm crossing my fingers....maybe....not really sure....frazzled a bit...
Four, We are looking to get Deric a bigger bed soon....very soon i hope cause he said no more sleep overs till we do, i do see his point though about it cause it is cramped.....but i like sleeping over with him, a lot. I like having someone next to me to cuddle and keep me warm. Hopefully looking on Monday.
Five, Going to JAFAX on Saturday. Kinda a last minute thing cause i just found out when it is but i still like going and i don't work so i feel like why not?
Six, I'm in a good mood right now and I'm not going to let anything bring it down even though things are trying....they will absolutely not succeed.
Seven, Getting another tattoo...in like a month....but still its happening! Well, I'm getting one touched up and the new one is small enough that hes just going to do it then cause the inks out anyways. I'm wondering if i may not even have to pay for it too. But I'm pumped, so yay.

Well that's about it for now, I'm hoping everything works out...i really am.

I Don't Like This

Ugh, i don't like this. I feel like ever since i couldn't sleep right a couple nights ago I'm different. Or at least something is different. I feel like I'm more snarky and awkward and just not my normal self. Idk, its almost like to me time is going by really fast, but in reality it is barely moving at all. And i feel bad for Deric because hes had to put up with me a lot. He keeps saying that I'm really not that bad and its OK, but i don't like being this way towards him or anyone for that matter. I don't like acting the way i am ever. I don't like feeling different. And then again, this may all be just cause its my period week. Who knows, and Deric if you read this, I'm sorry.

I Graduated!

I did it! I graduated! Finally. I have been through soooo much throughout my school career. So much, so many things that i never deserved, so many pointless things at times. But then, they were the best years of my life. I learned to be outgoing, to make friends just like that, I learned so much. So much. Ill never forget a thing. Ill never forget the fun times i had at all the different dances and theater related events. Coffee House, POPs, Allegros, Players, Dance Performances, Fundraisers, Fiddlers, Tree, Orchestra, Festival...all of them. They all have memories, good and bad, but all worth it. Some memories i hate that i have, but i would never trade them for anything else because of what i learned from them. I learned what true friends are and what they should do, I learned that there are psychotic people, I learned how i don't want to be treated, and i learned how to handle anything and everything. I learned how to stay strong, be strong. I learned how to study, how to not procrastinate. I learned that when i put my mind to something, i can do anything. When I'm determined, things happen. I now know so much more about myself then i ever did before. And i thank everyone who helped me to learn this.
There are things i will miss so much though. As i was putting together my picture board for my open house i think things started to hit me. I saw all the pics of me and my friends hanging out and having a great time. We will all be moving away from each other soon...and these times will not be able to repeat themselves. Our hangout times are getting cut short. I will miss everyone when they are gone. And i will NEVER forget any of them. They made my life a better place, a better thing. I am so sorry that i blew them off freshman and sophomore year for someone who turned out to be the biggest ass of my life, I am so sorry for that. I missed out on things that i can never get back form that, but i hope that my junior and senior year could make up for lost time. I appreciate you guys more than i think you all know, in many cases you guys saved me. We've been friends since 5th grade, and we have added to the group since. We added Jaclyn, Claire, and Kat in middle school. Then we lost Erinn come high school, but we gained Wiewiora, Zobl, Craig, Wilkie, and so many others. It honestly hurts when i think about being away from all of you, I'm gonna miss you. One last hora is what we need, the big bang to the end of a chapter. We'll find a way to stick together, i know we will, but it will be hard, it will be.
There is also the reality of theater. I'm going to miss all of you people to! You've been a major part in my life and i have met so many people and have made new friends through you. It was here that my shyness went away and i really became me. This place has my blood sweat and tears, literally. It is a home away from home. I know ill see you guys often and what not, but not like i used to. Tyler, you became a great friend and I'm gonna miss your silly face. Mike, your like a dad, all i can say is that I'm so sad about leaving you and everyone else. Theater is what made me and broke me. It is here that all hell broke loose and where some of the psycho people came from. But it all was a learning experience and it is other experience that will get me through life greatly. All was well worth it. And i will miss doing shows like i used to like crazy.
Then there was an emotion that i found strange, but as it hit me today it made sense. It was a sense of closure. Not like the stuff you need after a break up closure. But it was closure in the sense that there are people i will never have to see again as long as i live. Thank god. The people who are dating people i hate i no longer will see at lunch and in the hallways. The people who made my life hell in the theater or just in general i never have to see again, ever. That lifted my spirits a bit because with seeing those people comes mean emotions and thoughts about them or the people they are associated with. Basically, with me graduated, i never have to think of there sorry faces again. Ever. Nothing will be there to remind me of them. I wont have those thoughts or emotions anymore. The only people ill be seeing are my friends, like legit friends, family, and Deric. All of these people bring on good things, and even Amelia, who brings memories as well...mainly sad ones...is leaving for Colorado at the end of the month, so ill never see her again either. Cause its these people that fuck with my life, and by never having them in my head ever again, they cant do that anymore. It brings a sigh of relief to my mind and heart. Finally, its all over.
So on to the next chapter of my life. The real world as they call it. I'm ready for it. I have a great set of friends, an amazing man, and a great family by my side. I'm ready for anything and i cant wait for things to happen, like in the future, big things can happen now, I'm so ready. Hear that world? I'm ready and waiting...so bring it!

Beauty

Kaylee...you are beautiful, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You might not have the sexy long hair or wear makeup that makes your features pop. You might not have big boobs either. But you are beautiful. You are you beautiful, its a different kind of beauty that only you poses and no one else ever will. They never could. Don't even think that you aren't, because I, your conscious, will come and slap you silly. Why ever think you aren't? Go look in the mirror and see that girl that everyone else sees. Be the cute girl you are, go on. Go and see your beauty.

What I Have To Say To The World

There really isn't anything that happened recently that this post will pertain to, but its on my mind so I'm going to say it.

You know what world? I may not be the most perfect person, have the best body, or the prettiest hair. I may not have the best skin or the biggest and best boobs, I may not always be the happiest person or the most sane person. I may not always look the best, whether it be i had no time to shower or you think that's so because i don't wear makeup. I may not wear the skimpiest clothes, or the most flattering, or even the cutest or nicest. I may not conform to everything society thinks i need to. I may not have the best grades or the perfect personality, or the prettiest eyes or nicest stomach. I may not flirt with every guy i become friends with or have a new boyfriend every few months. I may not party, or do drugs. I may not excel and one specific thing like a sport or hobby. I may not be considered hot. And i may not act how you want me to when you want me to, or even listen to what you have to say all the time.

But guess what?

None of that really matters. I am me. I will always be me. Forever. I've learned that i need to always stay that way no matter what anyone says. You want me to be something I'm not or look a way that i never can or dress a certain way that i don't like...well then screw you because that will be the end of anything between us. This final year of high school has taught me that i need to stick with who i am because the people that like that you will stick with you too. If they don't then for about them. I am who i am. I have my quirks and i have my faults, but not only that i have my positive and amazing things as well, and whether you think the same or not is up to you. World, this is me, I'm not going to change just because you want me to, if anything happens it will be because I want to. So I may not be perfect, but i am me and i am more than happy with that.

Maybe I Do Know?

Well apparently I'm tense and a bit stressed right now....and honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe its cause its my last week of school ever and its freaking me out and i don't know it. Or maybe its because my dads car just died again so i have no transportation on the most important week ever, that frustrates me a lot. Mainly cause i make plans and they are me driving...which now cant happen because i have no car. I will admit that i try to drive as much as i can right now because of Deric's restriction thing and i don't want him getting into trouble and its best to prevent that if i drive. But now i cant....which just makes me realize how much i need my own dang car. Sigh, that and some other things are bugging me right now that frustrate me, that and a lot of realizations are hitting me, and its tough. Huh, maybe i do know why I'm a bit stressed. I feel like i have been letting it out on Deric a bit and I'm really sorry for that, I don't mean to. I guess i just need a bit of time to relax, but with school and work and us not having the same days off often at all...its just kinda hard for me to do that. I'm doing my best to figure things out and I'm apparently stressing out even when i don't know i am, but I'm doing my best. I really am trying.

Recap Of The Times

I'm almost done! My high school career is over in 6 days. Graduating in 11. Its almost over. I'm excited and scared. But i have great people backing my up through everything so i know i have nothing to worry about. Had our honors convocation and i got my bronze cord. Yay! I'm proud of myself, and i know that other people are proud of me to. I'm pretty sure that Mike is even proud of me and I'm starting to get the feel that hes going to be really sad when i leave, just the way hes been talking to me and all. Gosh, I'm going to miss him. With high school I'm really going to miss theater...as much shit as i got in it over the years and the people i had to put up with, dear lord, I'm gonna miss it. There are so many memories from it both good and bad. Now though I'm in for a whole new set of memories, most definitely good and bad ones. But there will be new people, new schools, new everything really. Ill still have my Deric though, my best friend and my absolutely amazing boyfriend. I love him so much though, I've really learned a lot about myself from him and how people should really be treated and how they should act towards one another. How they should feel about each other. Know what? Ill make a list of the things i have learned from him.
-That i deserve to be treated like a princess
-That i am beautiful and NOTHING needs to change about me
-That i am loved more than anything else in the world
-That communication is a good thing, it fixes everything when done right
-That i love going on adventures and doing things with him
-Listen
-There are always new things to learn about people
-Don't bother with what people say about you, you are you and if it isn't true...screw them. You don't need them in your life.
-We both are amazing people
-That i have never loved someone so much before and i don't ever plan on stopping

There is a lot more to this list but this is what I'm putting on here for now. I've learned a lot from you and because of you Deric, you have really helped me to grow as a person and i continue to grow everyday that I'm with you, you are so wonderful. I love you so much and in 3 months exactly it will have been two years of us being officially together. All i can say is that it has been an amazing time and i cant wait to have many more years with you. I'm going off to college...well not really off....but I'm starting a new chapter of my life soon and i will definitely need you're help in it cause its new to me. Thanks for always supporting me cause that really pushed me and hey, my senior year is the year i had the best grades ever in, i tried my best and i had support for it which helped me to do even better and i made my goals for this year. And even what your brother told me at the beginning of the year i think i made that goal too. Just be myself, make this my year, and go out with a bang. Well it wasn't exactly the bang everyone thinks of but it was my own version of it, but i did that as well this year. I kicked butt i think. Go me! Gloating about myself is kind of weird...not what i normally do. But hey, its almost over, high school is almost done. Good job Kaylee, you did amazing.

SO Needed

Today was more needed than anything. So so needed. I got to spend the entire day after school with Deric. It was amazing. First we cuddled a little bit then we went to the district court office because we needed to drop something off there. Then we went and ate Chinese food, then we went to Home Depot and i bought a yellow and orange...i wanted a red but they didn't have any.....pepper plant and potting soil. I have been wanting to grow my own peppers because i love them so much. But then we went back to my house and we planted them together which was fun, I'm glad Deric likes doing things like that with me. Then we went back to his house and he had told me of an idea of coupons, none of you may understand but i know he does, so we made 7 of them for each other. It was a very cute idea. But then we watched a movie and cuddled. And we talked, and we had much needed talks. All i can say is that I love Deric so much, and i learned that you really do believe in me, and you think that i can do anything that i set my mind to. I also learned other things which we told each other. And everything was just wonderful. And what i said, i meant every word of it. Of everything. I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else every...i mean it. I love you, you truly are so kind and wonderful to me. You are absolutely amazing. I cant even put into words how i feel right now, im feeling a calm, im relaxed, there is a peace in me, today was so needed. I love you Deric, more than anythign in the world.

I Miss You

I miss you...so much. I just want Monday to get here as soon as possible. Then we can hang out all day long and we can cuddle and plant vegetables. I just really want to cuddle and talk to you and kiss you and get kisses from you, you know, the cute little things that you do? When you say amazing things to me that make me feel like the most wonderful, beautiful, and luckiest person on earth. Those things. I want those things. I want you. I miss you. I mean i still see you a lot of the time, I'm not saying i don't. Its just rather short usually, and we never get to have a lot of us time. I want that time, so bad, and i have to wait till Monday to have it. Things lately that I've heard, I've learned, seen, they just make me want to be with you more. I mean, I love you so much, your the most amazing person in the world. I've told you that before but ill say it again because its true. And with my final year in high school getting down to the wire I'm starting to have the realization of the real world, of never seeing these people ever again, of everything really. And I'm scared. Once POPs is over its all over. Everything is done, no more. That hit me hard tonight and i need you more than ever. You know what I'm feeling, you've gone through it. You understand my fright. I just really miss you.

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me

So, I think the lady who does the scheduling at Deric's work somehow magically knows my schedule and hates my gutts so she never schedules Deric to have a day off on the days that i have off as well. Like he hasn't really gotten a lot of Wednesdays off, but he has had a chunk of Tuesday, Thursday, and Sundays off. On the Wednesday i have off he gets Sunday off, a day i work, this week...he gets a fucking Wednesday off.....smack dab in the middle of the days i have off. I don't even have to study for anything anymore, all that stuff is done! SO I'm able to actually spend some time with him when we hang out.....which is like never....like legit hanging out. We may see each other for a few hours or something....but legit hanging out...doesn't happen too often cause I'm in school, and i work, and his scheduling sicks butt. Like normally this just frustrates me a little bit, i mean i have learned that we have pretty opposite schedules, idk why though, but this scheduling thing for next week is just making me livid. Like seriously, I'm fucking pissed off. Out of all the days possible.....you pick the worst fucking day to give him off....i go to school, then i go to work. I can be like, oh hi Deric, nice to see you for a quick minute, but now i have to head to work for the rest of the night...so have fun doing your thing...which you always do because our schedules are like this. This is just....gaaaaahhhhh......frustrated to a level that takes a while for me to get to. I know Deric can do nothing about it, it isn't his decision, but i hate his work a lot when it does this. I never get to spend real quality time with him anymore....i mean, hes working on spending more time with me after i talked to him about a few things and how i was feeling....but even if he is when things like this happen there isn't anything you can do to help the situation or even try to spend time with each other..cause you just cant at all. I hate it, so so much....I normally don't rant about Deric's work or anything like this usually...but this time its just like...really? Seriously? I don't know what to do about it....I'm at a loss for everything really right now.