What A Time

Well, Sunday was me and Deric's year and a half. Not that we really were able to do anything since i worked basically from 6 am to 6pm. We did get to hang out a little bit though afterwards and just cuddled and talked. I gotta say, it has been the best year and a half of my life. Even with all the hell that has happened throughout it, it has all been worth it. From the crap between my mom and dad, to the crazy shit with Amelia, to everything with orchestra, to what Forrest and Maddie have been through and done, its just been an insane year. But everything has definitely been worth it because i have had Deric by my side through it all. He has been wonderful to me through everything, from my smiles to my tears. I love him to death and i cant imagine life without him. He treats me amazingly and is the best guy in the world. I am so happy and thankful for him, he means the world to me. I love him soo much.

Got Another!

So, as you can tell, both me and Deric got another tattoo. The top one is mine, its a dream catcher with a wolf paw print in it, the bottom is Deric's, its a sleeping bear on a piece of drift wood and in the wood the word dad is etched into it. I got mine yesterday night, it didn't hurt as bad as the other one but it still hurt a lot and this one bled like CRAZY. Deric's hurt even more then his other one because this one is full color plus on his ribs. His is only 50% of the way done so far though and he's going back on March 1st to get it finished. But i am soooooo happy about this tattoo, i really love it. Deric is really happy with his to, and he will be even happier once its finished.

I Don't Know

I'm not really sure, but i know that i just need something, but i dont know what. I feel kinda strange today. I just, need something

Happy

I gotta say, I really do love Deric. Today I worked for 8 hours and had an hour lunch break from 4-5, Deric joined me for a half hour for lunch before he went to work at 5. We sat and ate in his car in the parking lot and talked. It was nice. And what makes it even better is the fact that Deric is more than happy to do things like that with me. When i mentioned it the day before he was happy about being able to eat lunch with me. And even if it is in his car in a parking lot, it is still so worth it and it means so much to me. Every minute i get to spend with him is worth it. I love him very much. <3

Better

So, I'm better from my last post. Just learning, well already have an idea, that whenever i get a headache that lasts for like a week..maybe its an on going migraine or something....it changes my mood and emotions for a little bit afterwards and this is what seems to have happened again. Might be a problem i should look into...but not worried about it right now. Spent the night at Deric's the other night because he had a really bad night the night before and to help in out I spent the night, not complaining at all. I always love sleeping over. Now all i need to do is hope that i can do it again come Sunday.....lets see if my mom agrees to it cause that will be twice this month, kinda a BIG deal for her because we aren't married and its against her religion and stuffs. But hey, I'm almost 18 1/2, Ill be graduating very soon, I'm doing splendid in all of my classes, why shouldn't i be able to sleep over at my long time boyfriend's house? It'll be a year and a half on the 26th and we love each other a ton. I think thats perfect enough. Work is going well, im getting hours and i get times off that i need just fine, just asked for prom off and i got it approved the next day. Schools going well, Valentine's Day was today, got a few valentine's from random people at school, had way to much sugar, and got some from people at work so that was nice. Deric's hopefully going to get me a baby cactus that i will name, i already have a name but i wont say it untill i get the plant. lol. That may sound/seem a little wierd to people, but I really do love cactusis(???), they are my favorite plant. I have also finally decided that yes i will be making another blog that i will put my dreams on because the ones i have been having lately are so vivid and strange...why not let the world try to figure them out?

Cracks

I feel as though i am cracking at the seams. and i don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to explain it, but every time something upsetting happens, no matter how small it seems, it breaks me down just a little bit more. I feel like I'm going insane honestly, just trying to hold myself together. It all started when my dad brought leaving my mom up again, but just to me. That broke whatever wall that was holding me up down. Then from then on it has been going down hill. I may seem like i am angry a lot, or unhappy a lot, but that's because I'm trying to contain some form of control on my emotions and not seem like i am having a break down or something. At school the other day it was horrible because nothing seemed to be going right that day, and my body was starting to tremble and i just had to sit and try to just get my mind somewhere else and just breath because i knew everything was fine and that no matter what, i can get through anything. I just, i don't know what to do when i feel like I'm cracking and breaking. To some people i may seem perfectly fine but that's because even if i feel unsteady, i don't need people to worry about me and i need to be there for them also so i do my best to be as normal as i can be. The only person that i feel perfectly normal around is Deric because he never does anything to me that makes me feel like this. He brings the cracks together and puts everything back together, and that's exactly what i need. I was doing great today until Jeroudi was a total dick, biggest fucking dick ever. I work all day Valentine's day and so i cant do anything then with Deric, so i chose Monday to be that day and im going to make Deric this awesome meal that is exactly what he wanted and im going to be the one who cooks it. But then Jeroudi has a orchestra rehearsal planned for that night, so i filled out an excuse form and did everything i needed to do with it and gave it to Jeroudi. They are supposed to be in 2 weeks in advanced and mine wasnt anywhere near that early but i talked to him and he said that it was ok he guessed and i would just have to make sure that i practiced and knew the music well. I had told him that i had not been given my schedule until then so there wasnt anyway to give it to him earlier. So after that i was glad that he agreed to let me be excused. Then right before Collage tonight he came up to me with my paper and unexcused was circled. He had really taken a look at it and decided that it didnt meet the criteria for an excuse and since it wasnt in 2 weeks early it was not going to be excused. But he could call my boss and see if he would let me leave for an hour then go back to make the practice. This guy is an idiot. You cant do that with a job, atleast normal jobs anyway. So if i want to have my Valentine's day i will get points off my grade, if i go to rehearsal i wont have a Valentine's day. But i already bought the main dish for my meal and i cant not cook it cause it will go bad. That completly ruined my night. And i really felt more pissed than anything for awhile untill i told my mom about it and i was angry so she kept joking about how i am always angry and Livi walked up and she started asking Livi about how i am always angry and making fun of me. Thats when the cracks came some more, and i had to walk away because i was so upset. I just, i want to be how i used to be, not cracking. I dont want this to mean i need to take meds or something to be normal cause i dont want to be labeled as a nut or something. I just, want to be me, the real real me again.

Mildly Suprised

So a few days ago Tyler asked me for Deric's number cause he needed to get ahold of him...which surprised me cause i thought he had his number already and apparently he didn't have mine either....yet we both had his. Huh, no clue really there, but i gave it to him and he finally got a hold of Deric today. What he wanted was to tell Deric that he wanted him to go on a vacation with him, Zobl, Dippel (maybe a few others??? Don't remember exactly) and go to Florida for a little over a week. Now to do this Deric would have to fill out his taxes, which he already plans on doing, get the money back from them, then take his vacation week from work and go down there with the guys. In all honestly if anyone deserves a vacation its him. After everything he has been through he deserves something like that i think. More than anyone else really. So i wasn't sure what he would say about it. Before Tyler said anything though we had been trying to plan a vacation for my spring break just going up north or something. Just the two of us getting to spend a few days with just each other. What he decided surprised me a bit and made me really happy that hes with me. He told me that he would much rather take a vacation with me, even if it was a small one. If he went to Florida he would have just gotten his tattoo finished so he would be able to do basically anything, plus he would be able to see me for that period and we wouldn't be able to do anything. So he would much rather spend time with me then with go to Florida with the guys. That really meant the world to me. Knowing that you are important like that to someone really makes you feel good. It makes you happy. I love him so so much. I'm glad I'm doing something special for him, he deserves it.

Me Telling The World About Life

Well to start out with, my dog is sick and has been for about a month now. She finally went to the vet after pucking up blood and we have found out that she has pancreatitis and possibly Addison's disease...shes in a lot of pain. So that all really sucks cause i don't want her to be hurting or anything....or if worst came to worse die. Shes my baby and she is really important to me.
Second, i have been working a lot, i worked all this weekend. Not exactly the funnest but its a job and i am happy with that. The people, aka the customers, can be a little bit weird. But hey, the people that work there are cool so it all works out.
Thirdly, getting my tattoo in about 2 weeks, Derics getting his finished on march 1st.
Finally, i feel like i have a lot to say, but not entirely sure what it is i want to say or it isn't the right moment to say it. But i will say this, Deric, I love you, with everything that i have, I love you more than anything and i don't think anything could make me stop. You are amazing in every way and you treat me so well, its my turn to do something wonderful for you.

Second Guessing...But Not Really

So, after whats been going on lately i was kinda thinking about my tattoo that I'm going to get hopefully soon and it got me thinking to other tattoos and for some reason second guess my idea. Kinda pissing me off because i love my idea and it has special meaning to it.....one that only i know. Its meaning is one that i have only ever kept to myself, yet for some reason I'm thinking its a bad idea or something or like i just keep looking at my back and wondering if i really want to have something there. I do.....but then something else is saying something else. This happened when i got my other tattoo as well, after i got it though and a little before. I had thought i had made a terrible mistake and like regretted if for a few days...but i love it now and i no longer feel bad about it. Then i thought about getting the word "hope" somewhere because its seems to be something that is getting my by and it means a lot...but then i laughed at the idea the next day i thought it because even if there is hope at times it gets crushed so i thought that wasn't the best idea after all. But then i thought about what if i got a certain saying tattooed on my back, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a beautiful butterfly." You have no idea how this has related to my life, how just when i thought everything was over, that it all was shattered.....it all became amazing and worth it. But i always keep going back to my main idea and idk.....i need to talk to someone about it to be 100% sure, get my feelings out about it to someone else usually helps me to make my decision cause i can hear myself say it. I gotta have this all figured out by tomorrow, wish me luck.