I Never Actually Described Myself..

Well I never actually did a little thing about myself on here, but i think I'm gonna do one now since i just posted my 100th post. So on to about me:

Name and relationship stuff:
-Well my names Kaylee, wont say my last name but some of you already know it
-Relationship Status: If you read my blog then you already know cause i talk about it a lot on here. But for those that don't. I am in a relationship with Deric, he's 19 and the most amazing guy in the world. Ill try not to say more then that on here because i could go on and on about how amazing he is.

Grade and Age:
-I am almost 18, only 21 more days. :)
-I am a senior in high school this year.
-Going to community college for 2 years after high school then hopefully going to veterinary school.

Hobbies:
-Hiking
-Going to the beach
-Bonfires
-Hanging with friends and boyfriend
-Technical theatre
-Taking pictures

Looks etc:
-Height: 5'6
-Weight: Anywhere between 110-115 depending
-Hair Color: Blonde
-Eye Color: Blue
-Shirt/Pant/Boob Size: Medium, anywhere from 3-5, and 36B. (Kinda self conscious about the boob size due to an ex who continually told me that it wasn't good enough and i should be bigger)
-Tattoos/Piercings: I have no tattoos yet, but once i tern 18 I'm getting some. I have 1 piercing in my ear...soon to get 2 more.

Random Facts:
-I work at in ice cream shop
-I'm in a fiddle group(A group that plays Irish music on fiddles etc.)
-I am currently very happy with my life....i have been mostly for the past year. Yeah bad things have happened...but Deric has made my life amazing.
-I hate drama, yet i manage to get myself into it.
-I LOVE tie-dye
-I love my dog

Well everyone who knows me or doesn't. This is a little tid bit of me. Hope you enjoy.

Power

These words have more power than you could even imagine.

"I love you"

Not, I love the random person down the road, that one chick from school, or that one person i used to know. No, it's I love YOU, and only you. Its...

"I love you and I always will and I want you to always know that."

I know this, why? Because i'll always love you too, no matter what. Its...

"I love how you look. Nothing ever needs to change because I love how you look, you're beauiful."

Its all these things. Just to have someone say I love you, but for them to say they will always love you and that they love everything about you and that you never need to change or worry about that. Its something that can blow your mind, its something that can make your tummy get butterflies, and its something that can make you feel amazing. The words I love you mean a lot to me, but when they are said by that person that makes a smile come on your face every time you see them, the person who thinks you are wonderful just the way you are, the person who accepts you for who you are, the person you care most about in the world, and the person you couldnt bare to lose, well, they start to mean even more. They are a comfort and they are something that soothes the soul. The words I love you begin to be the most amazing thing in the world.

Freaking Out Happy Right Now!!

Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH!!!!! They said YEEEEESSSSS!!!! That like never happens, especially with this kinda stuff. Like neeeevvvveeeerrr. Now all we have to do is convince Deric's mother and all will be well. Who knew convincing my parents would be the easy part, like holy hell. I am like freaking out happy right now you have no idea. I so hope this can for sure happen cause it would be amazing!!!! It would be the best ending to summer ever in the history of the summer. I mean, if this happens then my past two summers have ended amazingly!!!! Let the camping commence!


I editited this in after i made this post:
ITS GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Needed This Day. Thank You Deric

Today was really needed. Deric always makes me feel better, always. And with what happened yesterday...i needed him a lot. I needed to talk to him about it and i needed him to tell me that it would be ok. And that's exactly what he did. We just cuddled and i told him everything and i did break down a bit like i said i would. He just listened, told me his view on it...which, i part of what I'm going to start doing slowly. Less seeing my "friend" and whatnot. He held me close when i cried and told me it was going to be ok. And he just kept telling me that he loved me. He asked why i cared about the guys opinion anymore, it isn't that i do, its the fact that my friend seemed to be using it as a ha I'm better than you thing which bugged the crap outta me. Today was kinda my rant day. Though, he then did tell me a few things that we have talked about before that i had been trying and working on but i had kinda stopped lately but when he said it i felt like i wasn't good enough and i started to worry about what if i couldn't get good at it or couldn't do it. I told him this and i must say, hes an amazing guy. He told me that from the beginning he knew i was good enough and all is takes is some practice and I'm already good at it so no need to be worried. I guess i was just worried that if i couldn't do it to the extent that he wants me to he'd be unhappy and leave or something. Idk, i have had a shit ton on my mind lately and my mind is tired. But, i gotta say. Deric, I love you. You mean the world to me and i don't know what i would do without you. Thank you for everything you do.

Screw You All...I Don't Need This

Well...I'm dealing. Kinda....maybe. I cant seem to talk or think about it without breaking down a bit. I'm just pissed and upset and i honestly didn't think either of them were that much of a bitch/bastard. Its honestly going behind my back, both of them. I wish i could never see both of them again, but i still have to for one more year..then i wont ever have to again if i choose to. That will be wonderful. I don't need this crap anymore. I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!!!! Senior year hasn't started yet but so far i have had someone harass me about my looks and about Deric, now i have this. I wanted to be done with crap like this...but no...one of my best friends pulls it on me. Fucking bitch. I don't know why i decided to trust her again after she spread a bunch of crap about me around the school and was a total bitch to me. I don't know why i did. Now i kinda regret it. At least this is the last year i have to deal with all this. I even deleted him from facebook. Hes no longer my friend because i was ok then i saw his name and picture and i lost it again.
Another thing that this is causing me to do is make my mind start wanting to go back to my alcoholic times. I'm fighting it like you have no idea, i know I'm stronger than that and told Deric i wouldn't ever do it again. I am pretty sure i promised that. And i am not going to do it because i will not let Deric down and i know i can handle things and i don't need to go to alcohol for help. Its the same thing with Deric, he used to smoke but he stopped for me and hes told me he will not go back to it again and i know he wont because i know he wont want to hurt me or disappoint me either. I am also kinda glad that my parents aren't big drinkers cause there is no alcohol in the house and that helps the temptation. But i keep having this image of me chilling in a chair with a glass of like wine or something and just being so relaxed and just kinda out of it with not a care in the world. But that would be because of the alcohol. i just have to keep telling myself that i don't need it. I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference." That is a quote on a coin that Franny gave me...has to do with recovering from things like what i did. I just need to be strong cause i know i am.
I also have to thank Deric, i haven't been able to really talk about the situation yet because he picked up a closing shift today so me seeing him didn't happen, but hes been really caring to me about it. He keeps asking if I'm ok and i kinda snapped at him a little, I'm not even sure why i did, but he said it was ok and was cool about it. I know I'm going to break down a bit when i talk to him tomorrow about this...i know i will. But what he said over the phone s comforting me and the fact that I'm wearing his shirt that kinda smells like him is helping to. He told me that he loved me and that he wants to be sure that i always know that. (At least something along those lines). I know he loves me and it helps me when i go through stuff like this and it helps calm my mind. I just love him more than anything and more than ever...i think i just end up loving him more and more every day...hes my best friend and my amazing boyfriend. Screw the people who fucked me over in the past, who hurt me to the point that it messed me up, and to the people that were never what they should have been. I have something better now and all of you are in the past. I have Deric, the best guy in the world no matter what anyone says. I love him and he loves me and he is the best thing in the world. He is my now and all that is in the past.

Holy shit

I haven't felt like this in a loong ass time. This is on the verge of the feelings i had when i drank. Or more of the feelings that caused me to drink. I feel sick, upset, and the mental blocks i have put up are crashing. I hate my mind for already knowing even when i wasn't told at the time. When something like that is told to me, my mind instantly knows what is about to be told, or what will be told in the future. And this is one of those instances. And now the fact that i have been told the details, everything that was said, everything that was done.....even something that i honestly view as a ha I'm better than you thing.....i feel like shit. Mental images are now roaring into my mind, those from the past, and those from what happened that my mind is imagining. I'm doing my best to get rid of them, and to suppress them. And its starting to make me un-emotional because to have any emotions it'll force it to all come roaring back. Plus i just don't even know anymore.....I need to talk to Deric badly just to get reassurance and a little help. But I'm not going to drink again even if i feel the need to....sigh...

I Can Only Look Out For So Many People...

I've probably said this once before on here, or something like it. But what the crap...I'm friends with way to many hoes. Like holy hell. It seems like you get into high school and wa bam! Your a hoe. This is obviously not true for everyone, i know that. But for a large chunk of my friends it seems to be true.
There is one friend, she really just wants to get something from someone..anyone really...whether that is sex or not i don't know for sure cause she keeps bouncing around yes and no. But she was trying with one gut but that didn't really go anywhere terrible just cause that guy seems to be kinda a wimp when it comes to getting layed because he has 4 girls that want him, but he isn't doing anything about it. She even wanted to be friends with benefits with this one guy who....ew...no offense...but i know the guy to well so no, i wouldn't let her do it. But shes one I'm concerned about.
Then there is yet another. What a hoe.....she gets layed for like 10 seconds and now cant seem to get enough of anything. Miss, i just wish you would realize that wanting to get layed that bad and then actually getting layed wont help you in the future. I know you well enough to know that it'll hurt you, really bad. But i mean half the time you just throw yourself out there and do whatever you can to get layed. But like The first guy, when it comes to the actually getting layed part...you kinda wimp out too. I'm REALLY concerned about this girl.
Another is a relation to me. Definitely concerned for her because i don't want her ended up pregnant or with some STD. But over the summer shes just been giving herself away left and right and this is of great concern to me because shes like a sister to me. Her life is just a little messed up and i think this is her way of trying to fix it...
There are a few more even, one is one who yelled at me for doing stuff, but shes now ended up sleeping with who knows how many people and has helped her ex boyfriend cheat on like one of his ex's and his current girlfriend. Yet somehow i was always the hoe to them. Always...look at their lives now...i am far from a whore and i never have been one. The closest i have ever been to being a whore is summer of 2010. When i was hanging out with Deric so much but still with my ex at the time. I never did anything to make me a whore, but trust me my mind wanted me to and it was one of the hardest mind battles I've ever fought to suppress. I'm not sure if you could call my little drinking problem something that could make me a whore..at least the way i was towards Deric that night he came over and stopped me from drinking anymore. Lets just say i have no space bubble when I'm drunk and to me neither do you....and what my mind wanted me to do almost happened because i basically told Deric i wanted to kiss him and i was all up on him. lol. But that is the closest i have ever been to being a whore. Yet I'm still called one and i once was accused of being one. YET...all of these other people think its ok to do all this crap, it isn't. It'll only end badly for them and i worry about them all because of that. They are important to me and i don't want them getting hurt.

Huh, Who Knew

Probably one of the sweetest messages Ive gotten recently. I made a post one facebook about how you can look at your blogs stats on here because i found out someone was creepin on me. Which i found interesting, but i posted that. I got a message this morning from Julie sating that she is sorry and that she wants to explain herself. She admitted to reading my blog a lot and said she was the one who probably was creeping and that she felt bad about it. She also said that at Fiddle camp last year when we just kinda talked about high school and things because she was an incoming freshman and i thought just talking about things would help her not to be so scared of high school and would help her out a bit. That had apparently meant a lot to her and she said she is intimidated by me then and still but she also looks up to me  She just didn't know what to do with that so I'm assuming she just started reading my blog. She was freaked out that i would think it was super creepy and i would freak out but no, i found the message actually kinda cute and i don't mind at all if Julie reads what i put on here....i just caution her that i am blunt about a few things and i hope she is ok with reading them. But yeah, twas a nice morning i guess. :)

Im Actually Not A Ball Of Anger....You Just Catch Me At My Worst

My mother seems to just catch me at my worst moments so she thinks I'm this ball of anger. No, I'm not, but when i am starving and I'm trying to eat and you just keep talking to me and telling me things to do while I'm trying to stuff my face...I'm not going to be a happy person. And some events of this summer have made me realize that I'm not a nice person at all when I'm really hungry. Deric, lets hope i don't get really hungry around you. lol. That would be bad. Also mother when you ask me the same question about 5 times a day for about 5 days yes I'm going to be annoyed with you because after about the fifth time on the first day i would have thought you would have freakin remembered by then. Also, why i may be a little pissy at times with you could be due to the fact that all you and dad have done basically all week is fight and i don't really care to listen to it but i have no choice. I don't enjoy coming form a nice quiet place and a relaxed place like Deric's house to my own freakin home when all i hear is you two yelling at each other. Or you balling over something that dad said or did or who even knows anymore. Also, do not and i repeat do not change my words...i hate it when you do that. You did it the other day, i was in the middle of talking to you and you had to see dad in the bedroom before he left for work and you got up right in the middle of the conversation and left. Like....wtf? You wonder sometimes why i don't like telling you things. You do that to me all the time. Ill be talking to you about something important or something that happened that i find important and you just start talking to someone else, yelling at someone else, or plain just get up and leave when I'm in the middle of a sentence. That's why i like talking to Deric, he doesn't do that to me, he actually listens to me. Same with my friends, for the most part they don't do that to me either. Its something that people do to me that i hate, it makes me feel like I'm not important at all and what i say could care less. I mean, i have things i wanna say to you know, i have stories to be told and interesting things you may want to hear. But people just don't seem to care when i talk half the time....my own mother apparently doesn't care. It would be nice if people listened to me all the time when i talked instead of ignoring me. I get angry when you do that mom and you wonder why, then when i get angry about it and you yell at me to tell you and i say no because your just going to ignore me and get up and leave and you start crying because that apparently means that i could care less if you got to spend time with my father before he leaves for work and I'm an ass and a horrible person for it...where the hell did i say that??? Don't change my words on me damn it. I don't need therapy mother...i can handle things on my own and the little anger i do have is in no need of therapy. Just please let me be and let me live my life.

Well Happy 1 Year Aniversary Deric!

Well, the title kinda already says what day it is. lol. But i thought i should at least say something on here about it because it is an important day.
I gave Deric his scrapbook, which i guess i wasn't as nervous to give it to him as i thought i would be. He liked it and so did his mom because he just HAD to show her...which did kinda embarrass me, but it was fine. We really weren't able to do much today because i was possibly working and Deric went to work at 5. So we just kinda had more of a lazy day. I got to his house about 11 and we napped and cuddled for a few hours. Then we had a very nice time doing some other stuff. :) Then i rinsed off in the shower and i headed to the school really quickly so switch a class to a different tri for my senior year schedule. (registration went ok for senior year. Had a little trouble with my locker, my chemistry book, and im hopeing to god I get the east lot. I will be sooooooo depressed if i dont. Cause senior year will SUCK if i have to park in the west lot.....) But they let me switch my schedule so all is well there. Deric was car shopping online while i did that. We then went to Taco Bell and we both got burritos. Sooooo good. But that was for the most part mour day together. Im hopeing that maybe tomorrow we can go to the beach or go hiking or something. Cause i think its actually possibly tomorrow cause it wasnt today. I still want that REALLY good picture Deric. :P Its gonna happen. I really want it. But today was nice, and i have to say im glad that i have a guy nwho loves me to death and treats me amazingly. He loves everything about me and doesnt want my physical appearence to change. He likes me for who i am. He compliments me all the time, calls me beautiful and lovely, never fails to say I love you, still loves me when i screw up, and is happy to spend as much time as he can with me. I dont have to fight for an I love and i dont have to fight for a chance to see him. Deric is everything i want in a guy. Hes my best friend and is always there when i need him or someone to talk to or just a shoulder to cry on. A guys physical appearence doesnt matter greatly to me, but i mean, they still gotta be decent looking...and i got lucky cause holy hot damn Deric is hot and extremely handsome. He really is. Hes also smart to and is always willing to explain something if i dont understand. Hes even cried in front of me...that is huge for any guy. I can tell him everything and anything and hell keep it to himself and i can trust him with everything. He knows everything there is to know about me. All my deep dark secrets...everything, and why? Because i can trust him. This is huge for me because i can trust him because he has never lied to me, he has always been straight with me with things, if i ask a personal question he will answer it in full truth, he keeps secrets to himself, hes just a really trustworthy person. Deric also doesnt go and flirt with other girls, he doesnt check other girls out when im standing right there, he also doesnt go and hang out with other girls alone. Not that he is going and hanging out with other girls at all anyway, which is something i find nice. It makes me feel nice to be the only girl he needs to go and see. I just find that sorta thing when you are in a relationship important. I guess its more of how ive been raised to think about that sorta thing. When you are in a relationship you dont go out with other girls/guys alone doing things. I just..idk...that my way of thinking.
But i mean, Deric is amazing and i have had a wonderful year with him and i really hope i have many more with him. I love him so very much.

Picture

My goal today. I want atleast one REALLY good picture of me and Deric. LIke...amazingly good. For reasons that only iget to know until tomorrow....if iget to see Deric on our 1 year aniversery that is because if i work then i cant see him. How lame it that?

Would Really Like That Hug That I Can't Have

Gah my mother is a BITCH. Like, you might think I'm over exaggerating...but I'm not...at all. My mother gets so freaking pissy sometimes and guess who gets the blunt of it, yeah, me. I don't even know what she gets so angry over, but it goes all to me. Then she yells at me when i get angry at her and it seems like no reason...so i get a no win situation either way. Then if its a day like today, one where I'm just tired and worn down from the week so far because i have been getting up so early to go to Fiddle Camp every day all day, then i get done with fiddle camp and I'm still running, and i haven't even gotten to really just chill yet today, plus i still have to go to work apparently and all i want to do is go and cuddle with Deric so he can calm me down. BUT i cant do that...why? Because i made a comment to my mother that wasn't bad at all really. She was sitting on her but at the dinner table while we were all cleaning so i said that she could clean the table once in awhile...and what did i get? I get bitched at and I'm not allowed to see Deric for the rest of the day. And I'm pissed and upset. I know i get to see him tomorrow and all...but school starts like in less than 2 weeks and once its started i wont see him at all because I'm taking 3 AP classes plus working plus theater when i can. I want to see him as much as i can before i cant. Plus today has been an emotional day for me. Not sure why...I'm not on my period or anything but now that I'm upset i cant seem to get un-upset and i keep almost breaking down and crying which I'm trying not to do. But i know that if i start crying its not going to stop for a bit. I'm trying to stay strong and calm for Deric, but dear lord, Deric that is so hard to do sometimes...keeping calm with my mother around....VERY hard....And i don't want to go to work because i don't know if i am going to be able to keep it together. I just want to chill and cuddle with Deric honestly. To get that hug and to have his arms around me and to just be with him would calm me down so much...but no. I have a mother so that cant happen. GGGAAAHHH

A Blurb For A Blurb

For some reason i feel like my last post is a checklist so i have to check some of them off. The ones that i can actually check off that is. Well for starters, Fiddle Camp is getting better i think. Me and Amelia are in charge now basically. We are introducing everything...even Mr. Jeroudi. Hes not even counting the songs off...Sam and Terre are doing that. Its weird but its also kinda cool because I'm a senior and all and I'm all in charge and stuff.
I posted the kid pictures on facebook, the un-edited ones because Dawn was taking too long. She had had a senior shoot with Amelia on Friday and the pictures are done today...which is Tuesday. Shes had my pictures for like 3 weeks now and she told me she was just sooooo busy with work and other things that she hasn't had time for them. But she can get Amelia's completely done in 4 days..this is why Dawn pisses me off sometimes. She does this kinda stuff to me ALL the freakin time and I'm getting kinda sick of it. If you tell someone yes you can do something...you get it done as soon as you can and you do the best you can. Or at least that's how I was raised. GAH, it just frustrates me because Dawn is a really good friend of mine but shes also a friend who i can not rely on because of these things. This is why i did not have her do my senior pictures, if she had pulled crap like this on me i would have killed her. So i put them on facebook...i guess the only thing to do now is see her reaction to it. Sigh...hoping that this doesn't end badly.
Some good is kinda coming from the car thing, I think. Deric atleast has the ability to take parts from one car and fix up another car with them. So hell have a car...but after like 60 hours of labor....But atleast SOME good is comeing from it and it isnt totally a loss.
Deric's gift is coming together well. I just need a few more things then its finished. Im still really nervous about it...is it too much? Will he like it? What if....? All these things keep coming into my head....but im also excited for it to. I think hell be happy about it. I think.
Mother is still in a pissy modd....but it isnt like i havent dealt with it before.....
Im still sad about my friends leaving but i came to the conclusion that ill be ok with it. Ill still see them..it isnt like they have left forever and ever and ever.
I gotta pick what senior picture i want for the yearbook...i think its gonna be a black and white close up one of my face. I like it and i love black and white photography.
I have a boyfriend who loves me and i couldnt ask for more. :) Even if life is crappy...life still is good.

Random Blurb

Well aside from me being slightly frustrated that i cant do much in the comforting department, I kinda have a random short thought process to get out:
1. I want to be able to have a sleepover with Deric, just being able to cuddle with him all night long and fall asleep with him and wake up to him. It would be very nice.
2. I hope to god that some good comes out of this car thing, i really do
3. Lately when me and Deric have been having sex(yup...just said it, get over it :P) there have been moments when i just have looked at him and its like, i don't even know where to begin. Um, he just looks so handsome, hot, sexy, amazing, i don't even know what else to say but then in my mind the words "I love you" pop in because i feel so connected and close and loved by him. I don't say it when it pops into my head because i feel like that could be a little strange for me to just blurt that out out of no where. But, i haven't felt like this towards someone ever. Its strange and amazing at the same time.
4. I want to punch Cody for that comment of his.....and Fiddle camp is different. Its at the high school so its kinda boring and the new guy isnt exactly the best fun kinda guy. Hes socially awkward and i can tell that orchestra will no longer be the class i look forward to to relax in...hes going to make it hard core..he is from russia after all....
5. Im glad that even when i do screw up, Deric still loves me and doesnt have to think twice about it. I always do think that im going to be the one to mess something up, but like, im glad that when i do make a booboo that Deric can forgive me and still love me.
6. Senior pictures a freakin sweet!
7. My mother is driving me up a wall because shes just being a bitch about things like Deric's car or when i want to go do something because i want to help Deric or when i even say something to her. Somethings up her butt and its pissing me off...
8. Dawn needs to hurry up with those pictures....gah
9. Im sad that my friends are leaving for college...but im a senior this year so soon itll be even more of my friends leaving and plus senior year is soon and so is registration!!
10. Crap i only have 3 days to finish Deric' gift for our 1 year(Which is on friday and its currently monday)...when am i gonna find the time??? Ahhhh

Comfort

Why is it so hard to comfort people sometimes. Well, i guess comforting in more of the sense that I can actually do something to help and i can say something thatll make it better. I am once again in a situation kinda like this. I don't mind these kinda things but it does frustrate me when i cant do anything to really help or say anything. At least my presence is wanted and i guess the comforting that I'm able to do is the kind of just being there for them and just being with them comfort. The fact that Deric wants me to be around him when things like this are happening means a lot to me at least, cause i mean in my last relationship a family member died and i swear i had a disease because the last person that they wanted to be around was me. So that fact makes me happy. I'm glad that i can be there for him to because I'm just that kind of person who tries to comfort people and who tries to do their best to make them happy. Thing is, Deric is the exact same way towards me. I'm also a very stubborn person, and guess what? I've got a very stubborn boyfriend. I guess you could kinda see where that could end badley but it really hasnt yet and we help each other through what we can. I just wish there was more that i could do.

TT-TT

I feel like a jerk once again...well i actually just feel really horrible and just all around bad. I was scared that you would hate me because someone you hate contacted me and i didn't want to say anything about it because i mean...i wasn't happy about that fact either...but then the harassment from a hacker happened...and it happened to be on her thing, but i told you it was someone else's because i was scared. I just, i didn't want you to hate me but i feel like your just gonna hate me even more now. I'm honest to god afraid to hear from you now because i just texted you and its like 12:30am and i wont hear from you the rest of the night i don't think and I'm scared as to what your going to say to me when you do see me and or contact me. Even though all i want you to do is contact me..even if it is 4 or 5am...and tell me that its ok but just not to do it again and that you still love me. And i swear to god it will NEVER happen again. I feel so bad about this. I just feel like your going to hate me now and want nothing to do with me anymore. I know i overreact to things like this and i know I'm doing it now...but i feel terrible about it and i just, i feel like a terrible girlfriend and person and i just...i can only hope that you'll still love me. I'm so sorry Deric, i really really am....I really dont deserve you

Deleting

I want to start out fresh. Bad habits are going to be broken and I'm hoping that they wont happen anymore. Deleting many things right now. Some made me kinda sad but its for the best and im ok with that. Its what needs to be done. Ill be basically only on here and facebook from now on. I mean yeah ill use other cites when needed like the online radio and what not. But other then that, nope. I deleted accounts and a bunch of other things. Gonna be tough...but i can do it.

Explanation

I guess ill explain this on here because when i said it to you, you seemed worried and confused. I told you that when i say I love you to you i get almost nervous. Now, nervous probably isnt the best word for it, so ill explain. When i say I love you to you, I get really bad butterflies in my stomach and my heart starts racing, but this is all a good thing. Telling you that i love you is a really big deal for me because of how much i love you. Those three words arent like the other words in the world when i say them. They have a great meaning behind them. So i guess i just have a strong reaction to the words because when i say them to you, they have such a strong meaning behind them. I hope this makes sense to you

Today Was....Special

Well, i guess I'm going to tell you about my day because it was rather...interesting. In the good and bad way. Well to start off my day i went and applied at The Lakehouse...really hoping to get a job there. Then i headed over to Deric's so we could have our movie cuddle kinda day. So we start by watching Easy A, and i mean as anyone should know, things started happening...that kinda stuff...we happened to be unclothed and his mom kinda barged in. Holy hell embarrassing...but what was worse is the fact that she did it because my mother showed up. FML at this point. From there it was a rush to get clothed and see my mother, who only wanted to tell me that she was going to fill the cars gas tank. But afterwards she proceeded to have a long talk with mainly Deric about doing stuff in the house blah blah blah (mainly him because i was too embarrassed to talk or even show my face really.) That whole conversation was oh so embarrassing..so very much. After that we just kinda cuddled and watched Transformers 3 because that had definitely killed both our moods...or at least mine. But i guess in the end that didn't stop us. I really have to say though that I love Deric to death. He tells me that he misses me even if he saw me like 2 hours before or the night before, he tells me that I'm lovely and beautiful. He makes me feel special, like really really special and that I'm worth something in this world. He never fails to tell me he loves me every single day no matter what. I never have to earn an I love you, and that means the world to me. He is just so sweet to me and he spoils me. Yeah i know you do, and i appreciate it. It shows you care about me. Deric's also willing to do anything with me at anytime. Like seeing the sunset, which if you know me..I'm a sucker for, and he will go see it with me and let me take pictures of him and us and hes ok with it even if he does get a little annoyed with it sometimes. Derics just an amazing guy. But after Transformers we went and ate dinner at my house and Cameron and Deric proceeded to beat each other up with a dog toy. Then we went back to Deric's house and watched the new Misfits!! LOVE that show. Robert Sheehan is definitely like one of the best actors ever, along with Emma Stone, and I'm so freaking sad hes leaving the show. So sad. After that we went and watched the sunset at the beach. Deric had brought along pasta and cherries to eat and he first fed the seagulls pasta. Twas good pasta...but then he fed them the cherries. Who knew seagulls could swallow a whole cherry...let alone 6.....I think that seagull will be dead in the morning and Deric is the one who killed it. We took pictures then went back to his house again and watched Footloose(which they are remaking..which is LAME!!!!!) What when on during that movie was fun, and so was after. Deric tried on my short shorts....dear god that was too funny. But never again cause it was just very weird but still too dang funny. We also got chocolate from the store because a girls gotta have her sweets during that time of the month. Then i found some stuff in his brothers coat pocket (didn't know it was his brothers till a little after i found it). It was something that was done long ago that i know Deric stopped doing, and i trust him when he says he doesn't do it anymore. I think the reason i gave you that look was because of yes the reasoning of why is that there but also because my brain had a thought of something along the lines of I thought you would have gotten rid of all the evidence of that a long time ago. But Deric, you don't lie to me and you never have. EVER. It takes someone with a lot of guts and one hell of a big heart to do that. It means a lot to me to know that you don't lie to me and you don't go behind my back and do things like that. And trust me, I would never accuse you of doing it because i know that if you did or were, you would tell me. Deric, I love you and have complete trust in you. I really do. So yeah...it was a good/bad/weird day.

Does this sound weird? I'm bored because i have no work to do because i got it all done in July because i didn't procrastinate at all.

All In The Film

As much as people are getting divorced nowadays, its nice to see something that still believes that people can make it through their whole lives with each other no matter what happens. Went and saw Crazy Stupid Love with Deric tonight and i know that the people in the movie did kinda go separate ways with people...but in the end they fought for each other and ended up back together. For me this was nice to see because when you have parents that are fighting divorce and could be on the verge of it happening any day at who knows when..it starts to put doubts in your mind that love just doesn't work out. But this movie pushed those aside and kinda helped me to realize that no matter whats happening, love still does work out. I kinda feel like the son in the movie and the movie itself was the big speech from his father. Idk...i really liked the movie and it made an impression on me, and a very good one at that.

New Life Goal

To ride in a hot air balloon someday.

Nights

Why is it at night, when I'm guaranteed to be by myself, that i want you near me more than ever? I just want to be able to cuddle with you before i fall asleep. I want you to be near me when i fall asleep, i want to be in your arms. I want to wake up to your face. I keep getting this feeling every night for the past like week now. I guess you could say its annoying in a good way. Just..this is how I've been feeling.

I love...

"Your smile"
"Your eyes"
"The way you do that."
"The way you act when you get embarrassed like this....its cute."
"How you act when you see a cute puppy..its adorable"
"Your mind. I guess that's the best way i can put it. You are smart, intelligent, and are easy to carry on a conversation with, but your still reckless enough to do something stupid. Which is a good thing."

                                              -Quoting Deric

You Truely Care

The fact that you do read my blog, and the fact that you actually care about what i say..it means a lot. I'm not afraid to say anything on here or to you because i know that you'll read it/listen to me and acknowledge it and care about what i have to say. You aren't going to laugh at me if its something embarrassing, kinda like the other day at the beach. If anything was embarrassing..it was that, i don't think i could have been more embarrassed. Thank you for understanding and doing your best to make me feel not uncomfortable. It means so much. I know you care about me and what i have to say, you actually listen. And i love it and i love you for it. My last post you listened to and the post before that and so on. I kinda use this blog as a diary, but you and anyone else who really wants to(which is like no one..lol) can read it. But i think it helps you to understand me, its my deepest thoughts, wants, etc, plus i say exactly what I'm thinking on here. Thank you for listening and understanding...and being amazing. And thank you for telling me why you loved me. It made me smile..even if i was embarrassed...and it made my day. :)

An Unreachable Desire

So the way I'm feeling right now is, different i could say. Its partially due to the fact that I'm really tired, and partially due to the fact that my period is next week. And this one isn't going to be the nicest of ones. Its an emotional one but there is something more to it this time. Its like I'm feeling clingy beyond belief and i want a closeness that cant be obtained. I'm more agitated and the little things affect me more then usual, a little joke, a playful pinch, etc. All my mind can think is that it I want him to tell me how beautiful i am, i want him to tell me how much he loves me, I want him to explain everything he loves about me and why. Its a little ridiculous...ok, more like a lot of ridiculous. I want to have that I love you sex (Not afraid to say that on here cause i mean, i don't think many people read this if at all), i want to have that walk on the beach at sunset, i want to cuddle all day long with you. This is one of those times when I'd like to say I love you a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough. This is whats going on in my brain right now..its crazy and complicated, and its hard to feel this strongly without letting my emotions get overwhelmed....which will make this one hell of a week.

Personal Bonfires

Tonight was nice. Me and Deric went down to the beach and the moon was out and reflecting in the water. Someone had even left a bonfire going so we had our own personal bonfire. It was really nice. Then the stars started coming out, the air was just right, the water wasnt half bad. We ran around, did this and that, all under the moon and stars with our own personal bonfire. Tonight was good. :)

I Am A Jerk

Geez, I feel like a total ass hole. Deric's car isnt working...and all I can think about is how im frustrated because that means we cant go to the beach even though I REALLY want to go. This probably makes me one of the worst girlfriends out there. Im a jerk and i feel bad baout my last post because that really doesnt matter now does it? Deric needs a car more then i need the beach. But all i can think about is the beach, what a selfish ass i am. God, if Deric is frustrated with me at all or angry at me for it i dont blame him...Id be angry at myself. Why do i have to be such a screw up?

Frustrated

God damn it i want to go to the beach. I was ok with it before, i understood, you needed sleep, it happens to the best of us. No problem...but come on. I don't have a lot of summer left and you have been promising or at least getting the idea in my head...then it doesn't happen because your tired or the weather is crappy. Again, first couple times i was ok with it, i was...but if it keeps on happening I'm not going to be ok with it, at all. Why? Well for one when i planned on a fun day outside and it turns into a cooped up day inside...i get antsy and it isn't a bad thing, but i prefer not to get that way cause i annoy myself then. lol. A few more times ill be fine with it..but after that not really. I had a whole last relationship where that was all that happened...we were going to do something but then i let him sleep...every freaking time. I do not ever want that again. It frustrated me then really badly. I don't want that to happen again..i hated it after awhile..Like i said though, if it happens here and there its ok. Sometimes ill need a rest day to. Completely understandable. But again and again and again....no not doing that. Please don't keep doing it. You said a couple of days ago that we might be able to go Saturday and finally go to the beach because you were to tired to the last few times you said we could go...now you might be too tired again. I don't want to have to beg you to go to the beach or go and you be half asleep because then you wont enjoy it and that's not fun if your not having fun. I just...idk...slightly frustrated

Learning

Since it's late Ive been thinking, not because it's late but because i really have nothing better to do. My mind kinda wandered back to the other night in the car. We were talking about why i had picked a certain someone out of the group to do something if that were to ever happen. You thought i had underlying motives to it because of her physical attributes. I honestly hadn't even thought about that until you had said that. And then that got us talking about that kinda stuff. And I think you kinda finally understand how bad my insecurity actually is. I mean just your statement to it said it all. "Matt really fucked you up didnt he?" (Or something along those lines). And I'm not afraid to say real names on here because i honestly don't think many people read this if at all. But just the fact that you are understanding the severity of this, to me, is nice. Well, bad at the same time to. But nice in the sense that you understand why i have a hard time just getting over it and being all, oh everything is fine and I'm beautiful and no matter how i look he'll still think I'm beautiful and amazing and perfect. I just...cant. It is definitely getting WAY better than what it was because i have someone who i know when he tells me I'm perfect and that he could love me no matter what size i was, hes telling me the honest truth. He really means it. I didn't have that before. I was far from perfect and what was said to me just killed me and I'm still hurting from it. Slowly though that hurt is going away, it will take awhile...a long while...but at least you understand how bad it actually is, and that for some odd reason makes me happy.

I'm Glad

I'm glad that you don't hate me after landing a low blow on you, even if it wasn't meant to be one. I'm glad that you can forgive me as quickly as you did and are able to tell me that you love me even if i did mess up a bit right then. I'm glad that you can actually tell me what i did wrong so i wont ever do it again. I'm glad that the happy times that we have had over power my screw up. I'm glad that this doesn't change our relationship at all. I'm glad for all these things, why? Because it means a lot to me because i do hate things like this and they upset me. Also when your heart is pounding like mad and you are scared, it's nice to know that something like this wont change anything.