Took Me Long Enough, But....It's A Good Thing

So, the other day me and Deric had a talk about the 5 month thing i may or may not choose to do. We talked about it and he said he supports whatever decision i make. Even if that decision means not doing anything for 5 months. Our conversation ended, but what i never had said was that i wasnt finished....I had more i wanted to say but was afraid to say it because when i did on here he kinda laughed at me about it and i didnt want to be laughed at again. I worried that if i did this 5 month thing and we did nothing for that long that he would go find someone else to do what i couldnt do for him. In other terms....i was afriad he would cheat on me. I know that it would not happen, Deric is to good of a guy to do that, and i know he wouldnt do that because he loves me very much. But i have fears, i never had the reassurance before that the person i was with wouldn't do anything like that. Whenever i was even with them and around other girls, say ones with bigger boobs then mine or ones that were prettier then me, nothing ever felt safe, i never felt like i was the only important one in there eyes. There were always others. But, after last night, i know that i will never have to worry about things like that. Deric is just to amazing. As i had said in my last post we went to Club Envy, and it being Halloween there were girls dressed up in everything imaginable...and barely anything at all. There were the go go dancers that were basically in lingerie and nothing at all and girls with there asses hanging out and boobs everywhere. At first i was kinda like eh, not too sure about this, but it was like as soon as i thought that, i felt weird thinking it. When we were hanging out i didn't feel concerned at all, i felt like Deric was only looking at me in that certain way. I was the only important one to him. Even when i was basically dressed normal, i was still the best one there to him. Even when the go go dancers started dancing, we watched them cause there dancing was really cool, but i felt like he was just watching them like i was. There were girls there that were barely dressed and prettier then me, yet i was the important one. I cant explain how good that makes me feel and how much it reassures me of everything. I love Deric to death and I know he loves me. Its a good feeling.

That Lovely Ringing In My Ears

I had SOOOOOOOOO much fun tonight!!! You have no idea. Went to Club Envy with Deric because i was supposed to be acting or something like that there for Miles but he is kinda a rather unorganized individual, so getting makeup and what not didn't work because his air brush was broken and i had been counting on that for most of my costume. So in the end he really had nothing for me to do. So for awhile me and Deric just kinda hung out listened to the ear deafening music that is so wonderful and talked to people. It's nice to know the people that work there...you get in free and can do things you shouldn't be doing and you have management and security on your side for anything. Not that we needed it..but still cool to know. So then me and Deric went onto the dance floor because when there is music like that and people dancing.....i gotta dance. I love it, so so much. Plus you can people watch which i enjoy. But me and Deric then basically danced the night away and i didn't have to worry about time really cause I'm taking a personal day from school tomorrow so i don't have to get up at whatever the fuck in the morning. We just danced and danced. The music was blaring, people everywhere, in Halloween costumes mind you cause its there Halloween party thing from Thursday to Saturday. I love dancing with Deric to, just the way he reacts to it, kisses me during it, and everything about it. It makes me happy. So i can officially say I went clubbing, so much fun. Now I'm home...my ears are ringing like crazy and i feel deaf, but i loved my night, had its ups and downs and funny moments...but great great time.

Sleepovers Make Me Happy.

Well, I definitely would have posted in here a while ago...but we had no Internet for about 4 days. That kinda sucks cause i couldn't check things i needed to check and find out things i needed to. This week has been wonderful, draining, nice, and tiresome. So here is my week.
Well to start out with my weekend then week so far:
I gotta love being 18, my parents are trusting me as a responsible adult and letting me do things they normally would NEVER let me do. Like getting to have sleepovers at Deric's house!!!!! OMG it was so nice. We talked about having them on Friday because we were both tired and he still had to drive me home so we thought about me sleeping over. He talked to his mom about it and she was on board with it as long as i had my parents permission. So then on Saturday i was hanging out at Deric's house before i had to go babysit. We cuddled and talked and it was really nice, then we both talked about me sleeping over again and he wanted me to from Saturday to Sunday even though he was closing that night. I told him if i did i would be asleep before he got home and he thought that that would be cute to have him come home to me sleeping in his bed. I then went to go babysit and that's when i talked to my dad about it...and then my mom. Surprisingly, they said YES. I was sooooooo excited!! AND as long as its on weekends.....or none school nights...i think it will be ok to do maybe like once or twice a month. But after I babysat my family had a little bonfire in our new fire pit, then i went to Deric's. Me and his mom talked for a bit while watching he new Pirates movie, but then i was getting really tired and i went to bed. His bed is really comfy. Well i was asleep for like 3 hours before Deric got home and woke me up. It was pitch black when he did and i had no clue what was going on and what he was because it was so dark and i was half asleep. But then i realized it was him and he got in bed and we cuddled and it was wonderful. He hadn't known i was sleeping over and he was so excited and happy. We cuddled for a long while then did some other stuff then we both finally went to sleep. Or at least i did cause he was up for awhile longer. I then had to go to church in the morning so we decided to do our sleepovers on Friday to Saturday so we can at least sleep in. I had a wonderful night and I love that boy so much. Hes really amazing and always thinks about what will help me. I don't think i can say I love you enough. He makes me so happy.
Then you know, this week has just been a long week so far and its only Tuesday. Plus when i wake up in the morning i am SO EXHAUSTED, i barely can get out of bed, and I'm usually not like that. It is really frustrating cause i don't know why i cant wake up. But other then that i think this week will be just fine. Just tiring and long.

AWWWW!!!

The Fiddlers are so sweet!!! They got the four of us who have been taking charge cards and gift cards. The cards were all rather special, and i got a gift card to Joan Fabrics which is nice cause i actually really needed it. But i felt so loved and appreciated and it came out of no where. We were so not expecting it. It is just nice being appreciated like that for doing something you love.

My Brains In Knots

I honestly don't know what to do exactly. I have been given the proposition of trying something that will help me in the end, but it is a 5 month process and it entails a series of tests, blood drawings, and other things. I don't know if i should do it or not. I am honestly scared to really, but the outcome can be so good that the thought of doing it sounds so good. But, i am so terrified of one part in particular, a stipulation that MUST be followed or it isn't even possible. But it is a stipulation that i have a problem with either way it can go. It entails either using two forms of it, or not doing it at all. And either way...I'm scared and screwed. For the first part of that, the using two forms of it, I am ok with the one perfectly fine (considering I'm on it right now), but the other terrifies me. I think i may possibly have a phobia towards it, and having to use it for 5 months every single time that happens......i don't think i can. He hasn't seen me when on gets near me in that way, and i honestly don't want him to have to see me like that. I break down crying and i think i have a panic attack. I can say that i have had way to many doctors in my life and i associate it with a doctors glove, and that does not need to be in the picture when that's happening. So that scares me to pieces. And the other part of it, the doing nothing for 5 months....well, that scares me to, but in a different way. I know that i like it a lot, and i know that so does he...like, a crap ton.....and i know that 5 months is just about a third of our whole relationship so far, and 5 months is a long long time. If i chose that route, what would happen? I know my fears would never happen, he isn't like that, but not doing that for 5 months and basically cutting cold turkey will get to anyone. I would be right there but unavailable for that. My fear there is what if, what if the need and urge got so bad that he couldn't wait the 5 months for that to be over. What if, what if he found someone else to help him out with that problem and didn't wait for me.....what if he found someone else because i couldn't do anything. What if that made him not love me anymore.....Idk, these thoughts have just been in my mind and i needed to get them out to sleep tonight. I think in the end, because both of these options are just to hard for me, i wont go with the thing. I am just to scared of both to go through with it.

I Love You

I love you, I love you, I love you, I cant say that enough. I want to be close to you, as close as i can. I want to be in your arms with you whispering in my ear all the lovely things you say. I want to lay with you and be in a warm fluffy blanket with your arms around me and you just gently kissing my nose, forehead, and lips. Both of us looking into each others eyes with that warm lovely look that your eyes have. That amazing smile on your face and the comforting warmth that comes from you. Everything you do and everything you say makes me love you more. Deric, I love you and i don't ever want to lose you. I cant imagine life without you. I honestly cant. I love you more than anything.

^-^

"I love u too sweety" -Deric

A text i got from Deric that made my day. ^-^ He is a wonderful guy.

Another Day Of Pain....But Not Mine This Time.

Lets hope you are ok with me putting the picture of your tattoo on here....
So, Deric got his tattoo today. Like mine though it isn't completely done yet, he still has to get some constellation stuff finished and possibly some color if he decides to do that. It turned out great though, Chief does a great job. If you couldn't tell, its a Leo with the Leo symbol in it, for all of you blind people out there. Though, if you were blind i don't know how you would be reading this....anyways....he decided to get it on his ribs after going back and forth from the idea for a week after Chief had told him it would be the worst pain he had ever felt. Deric still went with it. Lets just say that Chief was right...Deric was in intense pain the entire time and he squeezed my arm most of the time because if he had squeezed my hand he would have broken it. My arm turned grey after awhile and i have marks from it, but that didn't hurt me at all. It was kinda hard to watch him get the tattoo though because i have never seen him in so much pain. That was rather hard to watch. But Deric stuck it out and got it done. Proud of him for it and it will definitely be a story to tell in the future. My tattoo is healing up great though so far, it just itches like hell. But I'm excited to get it completely finished and to in the future possibly get more tattoos. There are a few i know ill get...but that would be for another like, 10 years depending. Today went well though i think.

My Life Has Been Rather....Hectic

This week has been really crazy.
Me and my mom have been having some spats lately. She thinks i have a major anger problem, and other issues. We don't have the best relationship and i know this, but there are things that she does that are hard not to get angry at her for. If you ever met my mother...you'd understand. But, she believes that therapy solves everything, and wants me to go. So, after a LOT of consideration, talking it through with Deric, and definitely a hard mind battle, i told her that i would go. I wont like it, i know this. Why would i want to go and talk to a random person about my life and its problems? I don't trust people like that. I go soon and Deric said he would go with me because I'm not comfortable at all with going. There could be a problem in that though because the week i go may be his dough week so he may not be able to get the right day off. If he cant go....well, its gonna be a rough day.
Then there is the fact that i have been having really early mornings and late nights. This is from having a zero hour and being out late at the Frauenthal for the Hairspray production. Its rough on me, but I'm dealing.
Then there is my classes and dealing with doing well in them. Chemistry is still freaking tough.

On a good note though, Deric has been with me through thick and thin and when I'm having a really rough day. He helps me to smile even in the toughest of situations. He also helps me to think clearly when I'm freaking out. He kinda helps me to see a different side to a problem which helps me to understand and deal with it better. Hes even there for when i just want to cuddle and nap for hours on end. Its really nice to have a great guy like him. Everyone out there who reads this, I hope that you can find someone like him because you would be the happiest person in the world. That's how he makes me feel, and everyone deserves that feeling. He suggested a vacation he maybe wants to take in September to a nice little cabin like thing by the lake. Its really pretty in the pictures and would be really nice and romantic to go to with him. And whether or not we are able to go, i really don't mind. For those kind of things its really just the thought that counts. I just love him very much, if you couldn't tell.
But I think i will end this on a good note and i am off to watch Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

A Day Of Chosen Pain

Well, got my first tattoo today. Its on my right hip and yeah, it hurt. Mainly the spots that had no meat on them..aka my hip bone. Hurt like poo, but the other parts really didn't terribly cause after awhile certain parts just went numb. Its kinda weird to have because i keep thinking its going to be like those henna tattoos that's I've gotten and that it'll be gone in a week....but no. Its permanent forever, i just have to get that into my brain cause this one will for sure not go away. There are a few things that need to be fixed (kinda more along the lines of the guy wants to add so it looks even better) and that is make some lines thicker and add in a grey shading and a few other things. It is sore right now, and it feels like someone is still putting that needle into my skin. I didn't pass out or anything and i only had to have him stop a few times because i was starting to twitch really bad. My hip is bruised now to because i think the needle just went into my bone so now its bruised and sore. But well worth it i think. Its forever there....gotta remember this, its just weird going from one day of having nothing there..to something there forever. Whenever i pull up my shirt, whenever i get naked, take a shower, go swimming, its there. I like it for sure, just something to get used to. And I'm glad Deric likes it (I think he thinks its sexy but not entirely sure on that one) and that means a lot to me to because i plan on being with him for as long as i can be, until i die preferably, and i mean, if he likes it for that long ill be more than happy. Hes planning on getting a tattoo soon to. This one on his rib cage, which from what he has been old is gonna hurt like no other. So he is kinda in reconsidering where its gonna go mode. But i really do think that if that is where he really wants it he should get it there cause if he gets it someplace else he may not like it. I think he needs to keep that in mind.

On a side tangent from the tattoos, just noticed something today, nothing bad at all, something more of kinda and loving. Something in your eyes has changed a bit, a look. Its more gentle, kind, loving. Not that it wasn't that before cause it definitely was, but like, i can really see it now. It makes me happy. And I love you more than anything and I always will. I know you know this, but i don't think i can ever tell you enough. And you tell me that you love me all the time to, you call me from work just to say it, you never fail to say it after we do stuff (which means the world to me because i know that i have just done that with someone who truly cares about me and loves me and isn't afraid to tell me so), and you just say it everyday whenever. If you want to know why i seemed more emotional today it was because i just wanted to tell you like a billion times that i loved you and that you are the most amazing person in the world. It was those kind of days when you just feel so loved by the other person and your emotions are like flooded with love and happiness but its so much that you don't really know just how to express it. Definitely one of those days, but those are always good days and i thank you for them. <3

What Ifs Aren't Always Bad, Who Knew?

Came across this today, me just kinda chilling and thinking. Then my happy what ifs hit me. They made me really happy and jittery and stuff and it made me feel good to finally have a nice what if because the ones i have had lately are not happy thoughts at all. Though, i kinda countered it with another thought just to stem down the happyness just so i didnt have a happy crash later on, as bad as that sounds. But it was really nice to have these today. I have just been on the happier side lately, kinda sorta, and i want to thank Deric for that. He knows how to make me feel good about anything and how to make my day better. I love him very much. In a way i kinda want to thank myself to, one for finally letting the past go, two for working hard in school and slowly but surely getting that chemistry grade up, and for three believing in myself. So thank you Deric and thank you self.

On a side note, tomorrow im getting my tattoo! Nervous as hell.......but i can do this. Derics coming with so ill hopefully be ok. We shall see because it is a needle, and i knwo how i get with certain needles. But i can do this!!

The Wonder Days

The last few days have been wonderful.
School has been going pretty well, took an AP chem test yesterday and I'm still waiting to see how bad i did. I studied and all, but I'm struggling in that class a lot. I'm hoping for a C at least on the test.
I have been really tired because i haven't been able to sleep well the past few nights(not sure why) but that still hasn't stopped me, I'm still kickin.
I am finally letting the past stay the past and looking towards the future with high hopes. Its gonna be rough, but I'm ready for it. I am glad that certain things will now forever be behind me, certain people to, it feels good. No offense to them, but i am glad to not have to deal with their drama and bullshit anymore. Gives me a clear head.
Getting my tattoo Saturday!!! I finally decided to have A.W.O.L do it because i have heard a TON of good things about them and i know a lot of people who have gotten on from them. I'm nervous as hell though, but Deric is coming with me because i definitely need someone there with me cause ill freak out if i don't.
Speaking of Deric, he has been so amazing. I really do love him and he does things every day that just make me love him even more. It makes me so so happy every day. I go to bed all happy, content, and with cute thoughts in my head every night. You know how wonderful that is??? Its amazing and he's amazing. Deric, I love you and i thank you for being who you are. You definitely are something special and yes, you do have an infectious smile. :)

Sleeping In The Stars

Going to bed feeling like this is wonderful. I had an eventful day. Went to Deric's in the morning and we naped and cuddled. Then i dropped off my shirts at work, went to the coffeehouse, went to Zobl's house, and then finally back to Deric's. We watched a movie, cuddled, did stuff, and it all was just so nice. He loves me, I love him, what more could i ask for? We cuddle and kiss, and just chill and its just, wonderful. Drove home and it was a clear sky and the stars were beautiful. Now im going to bed happy, content, and feeling good. I love that boy to death. <3