I Want

I am kinda irritated right now. Why is it that i ALWAYS seem to have to call you on your breaks in order to even talk to you because i feel like most of the time if i don't you wont call or talk to me. I must be something special if i am so easy to forget. I told you I am already mildly depressed because I'm home alone all day every day....and that does not help at all. Why the heck do you think I want a cat? I want something i can love, cuddle, and play with with me so I'm not lonely. I REALLY want the one cat we saw at Petco, like super duper bad.....but i don't know if shell be available in a month still....I'm just lonely here and this doesn't help one bit.

Relentless

Do not get angry at me because I decided that I can hang out with other people. The people i hung out with are dear friends to me. Dear friends that are leaving (it was one person but ill say friends). Friends that make me so sad to lose. Friends that will happily go buy fish with me and drink margaritas and just talk and laugh and do random ass shit. Do not ask why i have not hung out with you yet. I will but i do not cater to your every need. I know you are still hurting deep down about your break up and are probably very lonely because you have no one now. You may rely on me and others but do not get upset when we cannot be there. I have a life, I am trying to hard in many ways to make sure its a good life or at least one i can live with. I am not dependent on having people around. In fact, my times alone can be quite enjoyable. A matter of fact, my lone wolf mentality has become much stronger than it usually is due to my non stop school work schedule that went on for 5 months. I had no time for anyone and when i did it mostly went to the love of my life because well....he needs me as much as i need him. We are not dependent on one another, we rely on one another for support, guidance, and much more. I am irritated once again and the selfishness that some people have.

I am also irritated at myself and the.....way i can get. My insecurities get the best of me still after all these years now and again....I still struggle with them to a very very small degree. I think over all I am scared. I am scared that for some reason I will end up getting hurt beyond repair. But I know I won't. That's the thing, it's an irrational fear because Deric loves me more than I think I know, he deals with my issues like this when they arise even when i upset or stress him out.....which in turn i feel awful about. He's never once gave me a single reason to doubt his love for me or that he is mine and only mine. Yet for some reason, I am still scared. I see people getting hurt after years upon years and that scares me....but it should not because that boy thinks i am something so special and wonderful when i am nothing of the sort. I am just me but in his eyes I am amazing and for him to see me that way I know he is not going anywhere, deep in my heart I know. I am just so sorry for the way i am sometimes.

My best bud at work is leaving me and I am very sad. Cassie talks to me and tells me things and we laugh and joke and it's just....so fun to have someone like that. I am going to miss her greatly.