Assumptions

Wow was I wrong, well, everyone was. No one knew the full truth in this person. Everyone assumed, and even I did, the person who shouldnt. But i mean, that is what everyone thought, not just me. Everyone thought the numbers were WAY up there, when in reality, they were not at all. I actually find it kind of funny, the fact that the one who everyone thought had the huge numbers has a very little number and the people no one expected or didnt think would so quickly are getting higher numbers then him. It also makes me wonder what other certain people really knew about them, like, if you were so close, why lie? Or did they not even know? Who knows, but its amazing what you can learn, and what people assume. Cause i wont lie, even i assume things and this was one of them. Not that it was horrible or anything, but i assumed. But then, those other people that have assumed or said things dont know anything at all, and some are even beating you, which i laugh at cause that s going to bite them in the butt in the end. But, I guess tihs is a good lesson of learning to not assume things, cause you may just get an answer you never expected.

Who Really Is Who??

So, this thought came from Deric from last night when we were talking about some things when we were in the Meijers parking lot. All of the people that have called me a whore at times for the things i have done(which really is nothing at all, nothing that horrible that would make me a whore) are the ones who really are the whores. But, it makes sense i guess, because people who are like that can't admit what they are. Those people who are my friends who always used to say some pretty vulger things to me are the ones who are doing it themselves...not me. I actually have very serious boyfriends and nothing happens with anyone else. Unlike my friends who get with a guy, then a week later they have done the deed and then their relationship is done. I find it funny, all of the things that people have said to me, all of the nasty nasty comments that were said to me really all go back on those who said them. Then we have the people who are trying to get into guys pants just for the fact that they want something, they arent even looking for a relationship. It kinda makes me confused as to why you would want to do something like that with someone you have really no reltion with. But then again, it happens all of the time. But, it kinda makes you think about what your saying to people because it could come back and bite you in the butt..which is what this stuff is definetly doing. Its like...the person who vowed to not do something with so many people is going to beat me soon unless she becomes a cat lady or goes back to the people she shouldnt. Idk, its just...its an interesting thought process.

Why Oh Why??

So what is up with all of these people!?! I mean, their number one goal is to get into someones pants...like wtf?? Whores much. And i am friends with ALL (Well sorta friends) of them. And it kinda makes me sick and my job that much less fun to do because all they seem to do is flirt with every guy, it was kinda funny at first yes, but now its just so annoying that all i really want to do is yell at them that they arent going to get anything. I dont even know why im friends with them actually....no clue really. I guess i havent learned my lesson yet. Sigh...and then there is the people who have just made some pretty huge mistakes. Like moving WAY to quickly in a rebound that just ended badly. Even though we all said to slow it the hell down, they said it would be all right...now look where they are. Then we have the people who want to get in the pants of my ex...this is my friend whom i dont really understand why im friends with after all that has happened...and it just pisses me off. You have two hands....go do it yourself. I really dont like whores at all, they bug the crap outa me....yet recently ive come to learn that one massive chunk of the people i thought i cared about are nothing more then the thing i hate. SSo it makes it hard because what am i supposed to do? Still like them or not? I dont know and that is what is making this difficult and annoying because i really dont want to be around them anymore but they are still my friends so i odnt know what to do.

Broken Lock

It kinda sucks how we cannot completly block something from our mind. I really wish that we almost had a delete button so that all of those hurts could be erased and all the things that you tried to forget would actually be forgotten. But, i mean, in a way the mind does have that sorta thing, but it is easily broken when the person or orbject or event that you are trying to forget keeps showing up and that makes the mind revisit the memories that were once suppressed. I hate it. And this week is making this sorta thing hard for me. Why? Well there was a very big chunk of my life that i want to forget because i was an idiot and it hurt me and i just want to move on from it and let it be the whole dust to dust thing. But no, those memories that i locked up and threw away the key were apparently not locked up all the way. They slowly creep into the light, and its just annoying because i cant delete them, only learn from them. Which isnt bad because you learn lessens from your mistakes...but i really wish we could delete it with still have that lesson in my mind. Its just frustrating, but i know everyone suffers from this so it isnt like im the only one. But i will for sure be doing my best to put up extra walls for a bit because i dont like the memories and i dont want them anywhere near the surface. As mean as that sounds...i dont...

The Little Things

Im just kinda reliving those little moments in my head that can always make my day better. Those moments where a smile will cross your face everytime you think about them. Yeah, im doing that right now, just because im kinda in a down mood and they are helping to make it better. Like me and Deric's first kiss. ^-^ It was so cute and shy. And it makes me smile everytime because i know that that kiss has led to something totally amazing and so wonderfull that i really have trouble believing its real sometimes. Then there is also this one time where we went to the beach at night and walked on the pier. We ended up sitting down on the rocks and just watching the water while holding onto one another. It was such a clear night, the stars were out, you could see the moon,  and the beach really wasnt too windy or too cold. Then, mind you this really did happen, someone started to light fireworks. So it was just an altogether amazing moment that will probably be in my mind forever just because it was so...perfect...how things are supposed to be, you know? Its the moment like these that will forever be in my mind and will always bring a smile to my face, always. <3

An Open Mind Leads To An Open Mouth

So, this week has just been CRAZY. Like, emotionally insane for me. Ever since I had that migraine that one day until like, a day ago or so, I have been an emotional roller coaster. I would start almost having a breakdown and crying my eyes out and needing someone to just come hold me to being so pissed off. Like, it was crazy, even for me and I tried my best not to let it show because i didn't want people to see me like that and think I'm crazy or something. I didn't want people to think of me as losing it or something. But i think i did an ok job at hiding my frustration and sadness. But this has lead to a new change in my personality, and I'm not sure if its a very good personality change or not. I don't know if ill still be liked if I'm like this. My mean streak has kinda shown itself a lot more then usual. Like...a LOT more. And i have also been basically telling people exactly how i feel about them. I told Blake what i felt about him and what he was doing, I told Kat, very meanly i must say, exactly how i felt about her and what she wanted to do with Blake. And today i told Ronni EXACTLY how i felt about her. I told her i didn't like her and i thought she was a whore. Like....that is not how i usually am at all. And, i wont lie, it actually feels good to get out what i really feel about people, but it is weird and i feel like this change in personality will make people..more like one in particular, like me less. It kinda makes me wonder and kinda think i should maybe say something eventually about it, just as a general statement and all. But still, like after that migraine Ive changed a bit and I'm not sure if its for the better or not yet. I guess ill have to figure that one out, and hopefully i will soon enough. But i mean, my emotions are back on track though and Ive been very happy that past couple of days, so that's all good there at least.

The Mind Is A Horror Of Its Own

Have you ever had a day when you just couldn't stop thinking about something? Or have something that just plagues your mind and it will not go away?? Well i have been having this for a little while now. It's a constant guilt that is piling onto my shoulders that i feel horrible about, but i know that i shouldn't be guilty for, but i still am. It is also the voice in the back of my mind that keeps on reminding me of the things i have done wrong. The little voice also keep on telling me that I'm not good enough, when i know i am. It keeps on telling me of the things that were picked at before. All the things that weren't good enough, apparently. There are some days that i look into the mirror and i can't seem to like what i see, while other days i can look myself in the eyes and tell myself that, yes I AM beautiful and nothing needs to be changed. But, these thoughts won't leave my mind, to me they seem to be an open wound that is ever so slowly being closed, but it still keeps oozing. I want to be able to look at myself and never have these thoughts, i want to be happy about myself. But because of my own stupidity i stayed with a guy who caused these wounds, and now they don't seem to want to close. But luckily, I have someone now who tells me that i am perfect, and beautiful just the way i am. He tells me that he loves every bit of me and he doesn't tell me that I'm not perfect, he tells me that I'm amazing. But, my guilt that I'm feeling is for the pain that i caused him. I don't like to hurt people if i don't have to, and I hurt him over and over again, unintentionally and unknowingly yes, but i still did. And this hurts me so much. I replay things in my mind that i could have done differently so as to not hurt him. But i can't change them now, the past is the past, but it still hurts. And, i think i am also feeling an access of anger towards myself and the people that hurt me. Anger towards them for becoming what they have/kind of already were, and towards myself for ever believing them and for ever being with them. I regret it sooo much, its insane how much i do. I just wish that my mind would stop having these thoughts, cause they really hurt, they really really do....

Our Souless Society

Have we become such a souless society that technology is taking over our human traits? We think everyone has a cell phone now and that no one needs our help anymore becuase they can help themselves. It's like seeing a lost and hurt dog wandering near the road. Hundreds of people pass the hurt animal, but all think oh, someone else will help it. But how many of this kind of people go by before the animal gets help...one, onehundred, onethousand? Will the poor thing get help before it dies? Maybe not. What about that accident you just passed? The woman is sitting crying in her car because she has just been hit and the person who hit her has left. No one is stopping because she is on her phone, but that doesnt mean she personally is ok. But because we see the phone we get back into that souless mindset and figure, oh someone else will stop. We dont stop because we have places to go and things to do or we just dont feel well. But what if that woman were you? Would you want somoene to stop and help you? Or would you all rather they figure you need no help because your on the phone? Society has become souless, and will continue to get even worse if we continue to do nothing.

Into The Deep End

These emotions, i dont know what they are. They are overwhelming me and i dont know if its good or bad. I think that they are good, no, im pretty sure that they are good. It isnt disapointment, hurt, sadness, or any really bad emotion like these...i know this because i once felt these almost every day, so i know them well. To tell you the truth, I think its love. An ammount of love bigger then i have ever felt before, one that shakes me to the core. I have never felt this before, this extreme of something...never. Its new to me and i dont know how to handle it, but i know that I love you, I always will, and i mean it. I made the mistake once of giving that love to someone who didnt deserve it, and that really hurt me in the end. But never did they get this extreme love that i am giving now. I cant even put into words how i feel right now. Its...i just...I love you. I cant put it into more words then that. I really can't. I love you...