Sometimes things in my mind are better left there. Better left unsaid.

I am frustrated right now.

But i will not say much about that.

I find waiting till I have cooled off to say things is the best coarse of action.

That way you don't say anything you'll regret.

Plus you'll have a cooled off head.

Plus I am hungry, so that doesn't help.

Drunken Love

Its funny how drunken conversation can be so reassuring. Talking about things that are rarely talked about when we are sober is strangely nice. We can talk about the dirty things that are hard to bring up and things about the future that are greatly reassuring and bring a lot of hope. There is a lot of love in this relationship and a lot of understanding and a lot of hope. We just have to wait for those days in the future that we are oh so waiting for.


For me, I am happy. I am me. I think i finally can let go of the things that hold me back. I don't even take a second glance of the things that i could care less about. It's enlightening.

ITS OK

I didnt get the job....and thats ok
I dont have the perfect life..and thats ok
I dont have big boobs....and thats ok
I dont wear makeup.....and thats ok
Im not perfect..and thats ok

INTERVIEWS

So today i had an interview for department supervisor in receiving. I felt really good about it. Said all the right things i think. It would be by some miracle though that id get it now that i know who all applied. Id be at the bottom of the list. Now im feeling dumb for getting my hopes up. Why would they pick me? Those other guys are way better than me. Much more qualified. Ill go in when im called expecting not to get it. It would be nice but knowing Mike he wont pick me. Getting an interview was nice at least, more experience i guess. I just dont want to be stuck at the desk forever. Im good at what i do and im afraid its made me too valuable to move. That would suck. Who knows though...maybe there's a miracle in my future.

4 Years Have Gone By Already???

Doesn't seem like it but today is our 4 year anniversary. Like holy crap that's a long time. Like Deric said we have been through a lot. A lot a lot a lot. We have dealt with crazy people, crazy exs, bad friends, loss, gain, winters, moving in together, family drama, schedule changes, job changes, school, arguments.....and so much more. Deric makes me happy, simple as that. I love him and I always will. He is the absolute greatest guy. Even the cat loves him. Haha.

I Do Feel Bad

To be honest I do feel bad for snooping. I do. I know i shouldn't have. But at the same time I know that my something when something is off it is. I can feel when you feel uncomfortable. I have a crazy intuition. I know when something is off, and you don't always tell me. I trust you but when i get that feeling its hard to ignore and well...i investigated on my own...and found what you wouldn't tell me. You didn't do anything wrong, but i like to know these things. You see, when i know something is wrong I know, when it is bad enough i even know what people will say before they say anything. I get a feeling then words in my head and then they are always the same as what I am told.  It's like...idk...I can ever so slightly read minds. I still struggle with trust. I'm still struggling. I'm sorry I am. But like, my fears are very outweighed by how much I love you. I was angry at first but then i realized that I love you so much. I can't imagine you not being in my life. I love seeing you every day and falling asleep with you every night. You make me so happy. And i realized this means so much more to me than anything. I mean anything. I would do anything for you. The thought of you not being with me scares me. So..I am sorry. I do trust you that you didn't do anything. But know for the future that I can tell when something is off so please tell me.

Me Me Me

Life has been interesting as of late.

Me and Deric are doing good. For awhile there we were arguing a lot, like big arguments. I don't even know why half the time. It made me nervous and scared because I love him so much and it made me feel like we weren't going to work. But alas...we are doing good now. I realize that when we argue like that I have the biggest need to run. To get away from the situation..even though that is like the worst thing to do at times...that is how i feel. I feel like i am shrinking and the only way to save myself is to run. But at most i would just go into the living room because i didn't know what to do and i didn't want to leave. Even though that sometimes was a bad idea. But i guess those are things we just have to learn from to make a relationship work, we have to work things out.

I really do love Deric. He's...well...everything I want. He's handsome, tall, muscular, smart, playful, romantic, cute, funny, quiet, and so much more. There is/was one thing we were arguing/ having an issue with that made me feel unwanted and confused. But i think we have that figured out or at least understand what each other feels and needs. Something that Deric has said to me a few times now that means a lot is that he would do anything for me. He wants me to succeed and be happy. He wants me to go to college and get a job that i want. I feel like sometimes he wants to give me the world. I know i don't say it and I think it's because i am scared to but Deric, I would do anything for you. I would do anything to make sure you were happy. I always feel bad when your upset because i feel like i need to help you and i want to make it better. I want to be with you for as long as I live, and I know you have been getting a lot of pressure to make that decision from others (I have not put the pressure on you so to speak), but i want you to know that I hope you want that to and i understand its a HUGE decision and i understand that you will ask when you are ready but know i am gonna be right here with you always. You make me happy and push me to be the best me i can be and i adore you.

I have been eating healthier, working out more, and doing yoga every day. I am trying to get into great shape or at least be how i want to be. I do it or myself and my self esteem and obviously for Deric and its nice to be told you look great. Plus i can look in the mirror and see the results the yoga is doing even if yoga isn't like the intense workouts i normally do...its strength and flexibility training in a calming way and I really love it. I am trying to stay healthy and i do feel a lot better overall.

Khaleesi is the best cat in the world. Even though she has some annoying habits like being a freak when i do yoga or biting my feet when they move under the sheets or talking in your face at 5am cause she wants attention or meowing like a dying child i could go on but I love her to death and i know that even though she annoys Deric at times he loves her just as much to. The way he talks to her sometimes makes me know he will be a great dad.

The other day i dealt with the drama that i did awhile ago with a psycho chick. Something so stupid and so long ago caused her to be childish and post it to everyone and get lots of attention from it. While i was left to be told some harsh things about harassment and being immature. Long story short, i don't harass people online nor was I immature. Once again she was beyond immature and just like Amelia where she wouldn't admit that she could be in the wrong or that there was no need to have such an immature reaction. She was the mature one no doubt by saying a lot of stupid crap making it sound like she was perfectly fine in everything she did and over everything. Obviously not. But in the end it doesn't matter cause some people will never be reasoned with because well...they are forever immature.

I am SO EXCITED. I am going to Baker in the fall and I will go into the vet tech program in the future!! They have a 100% job placement and that means i have a future and a cool one. I might get to work with tigers and lions and who knows what! I am so pumped cause i really want to do this and it will end great. I am so excited and nervous and i just don't know. But i am so ready!!!!! AHHHHH.

Right now I am happy

<3

PS. Here is a picture of my cat :) And see, getting fit :)