So Much Fear

I am such a mess at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is a torn apart mess as well as my body it feels. Lately when i stop moving and just stand my body is quivering. Not shaking, but everything feels like its moving. Almost feels as though every single muscle in my body is having a spasm, and it's really hard to do things when it feels like that because it makes me feel like I'm gonna fall apart.
After the conversation with Deric yesterday I am one, happy he talked to me but two, fighting myself and what some of my values are. I thought he was only smoking 3-4 a week...turns out it was that a day. I don't know what to do with this information right now. I JUST got ok with it being the 3-4 a week. Now its like a pack a week and WAY FUCKING MORE than i thought and i have to be ok with this. I have to be but dear god i do not want to be. I grew up thinking smoking was bad and not to do it and it was wrong. Now my boyfriend does it, a lot, and i have to be ok with it. My morals and values are going out the door and i don't know what to do. My question after i learned that was how the fuck did you not think that was not smoking enough to tell me about? Like what the fuck.
I am also scared and it's because i am having all these confusing and negative feelings and they are all associated with Deric. Not like him him but him as in what he is doing. Sometimes I feel like that even though i know i love him and i know he loves me that everything is falling apart. I don't know if it because of the stress I am suddenly under or because I am finding things out that i don't want to. I don't know. I feel like that even though everything is now out on the table we are not as close as we used to be. It's probably just me though but I don't know. I guess maybe i need you to talk to me again and i think i want to ask you where you want this to go. I mean, I know what i want for us in the future...I want it so bad....and yet lately i feel like its unattainable. Then again, I've been feeling like a lot of things are unattainable lately, like the career i want and stuff like that. I've been feeling like I am falling behind everyone else. Like, people are getting married, having kids, going to college full time after their associates and getting college payed for. When i talked to Livi i realized that all my friends would be on to bigger and better things before me. Their careers would be in full swing before i ever could even think about mine. And it's all because they do not have to work to go to school like i do. They are getting everything handed to them. I am not. I don't know. I don't want to be left behind.

All i do know is that even though i am so unsure of everything right now....I still love Deric. No matter what i always will. He's the only one i ever see myself being with. When i think of myself being with someone else or him with someone else i wan to vomit. I love him to the point it hurts sometimes and i think that's what this is right now. Loving so much it hurts.

Just talk to me i guess, tell me everything is going to be ok, tell me not to be scared.