It Falls

I wonder if stores have decent flowers right now. It's getting all cold out so they probably aren't very nice. I want sunflowers. Idk why, but i really love them. It's probably because when i was really young we always had HUGE sunflowers at my old house and those were good times. Sunflowers remind me of happy things. I mean, yeah i like all flowers.....but some i like more than others. When i have a house of my own I'll plant giant sunflowers in the yard and they'll be wonderful.

I'm feeling kinda lonely again. I'm also feeling kinda sad again. I'm not sure why.....eh actually i might know why so that's kinda a lie. I just....I want so many things and none of them are going to happen soon enough. I have so many wishes and wants. I was thinking of even starting a bucket list of places I wanted to go to or things i wanted to do before i died just because some places are important to me that i visit. While i was driving today there was a song on the radio, I don't know what the name was or who it was by, but the tune just reminded me of me being lonely and sad. It wasn't even really a sad song....but the melody was...idk....saddening?

I feel like I'm falling again....

The Future Looks Like It Has A Place For Me

So today at work i went down to self checkout to grab something for Cassie and Alyssa, our HR person, was down there putting a table together and i asked her what it was for. She said it was to get cashiers to take positions as sales associates because there would be a lot less turn over and a lot of cashiers know a lot about the items so it would help the store and the associates. She pointed to how many full time positions we have open right now and looked at me and said its a bummer you are in school right now, there are a lot of full time positions open right now and if you weren't in school and had open availability......She hinted majorly that i would get a position as full time. I told her about my plans after that and how the second i was done with school i would be trying for full time, I told her how bad i wanted it and that i would go to school part time so i could work full time and what not. I know she wanted me full time now, it sucks that i can't because i would have a position right now, like that's how bad they want me...and it feels so fucking good to know that i am that valuable of an associate and that it seems like no matter what i can probably get a full time position without much hassle. I just gotta wait till like the very beginning of may. I mean, i told her that i hoped a full time position at the desk opened back up cause i would take it in a heart beat and she told me that if that happens i would probably be the one to get it. She then told me to tell them the second i was done with school and was available to do full time and i told her i would tell them like a month prior so they knew it was coming.....and open a position.....lol......she said do that. I'm excited cause they want me really badly. I felt really good about myself right then...really really good.

My Days

I'm trying to be super optimistic but i know how life is so I'm kinda not right now. I just really really hope this works out, i really really do.

I'm gonna try and be happier. Lately i was really down and i want to be happy. So I'm gonna try and make that happen, i've been doing good this past weekend so we shall see.

I wish i could put into words some of the things i feel and think but i just can't. Like how much I love you or how you make me feel. Like it's impossible to say because there is just so much to say. So so much <3

Attached Once More

I'm feeling sad again. Very very sad. I didn't even eat dinner. Once again i don't feel good about myself. The feelings of worthlessness and beauty-less. Make them go away.

Recap

When we are able to cuddle every single night and fall asleep in each others arms only to wake up every day to each other.....that'll be a good day. I want that day. I want us to have a place. I want everything for us really. 

I know you care now. I just felt like you didn't for awhile because of how things were going. After our conversation though....I don't think that anymore. If you didn't care you wouldn't talk to me and calm me down and tell me everything was going to be ok.....you wouldn't listen to me and what i have said on here and try to make my wants and wishes a reality. Only someone who loves me and truly cares about me would do that. 

Times have been tough. But we will get through it. We can get through anything. You are with me and that is all that matters in the end. 

I'll probably just eat another sandwich just because i should. I haven't had a real apatite in awhile. I'm more of eating just because i know i should.

I think it came back and i am frightened. I made a mistake. Now I'm paying one hell of a price because of it. My stomach burns.

All I Want

I need something. I don't really know what but whatever it is i need it. I just feel like I never see anyone. Olivia is in town but our schedules are completely opposite. Deric is here but he is still always working. I guess what i possibly would love to have is a day with just us. Where he doesn't work and if i do it is in the morning. I don't know what we would do but if we like went by the beach or went to a big mall and just had fun, and talked about us, and just had a nice romantic stress free day where at the end there would be no questions asked about anything because anything we needed to know we would be damn sure about it. I want that. Right now...I just need you.....