Overload

My brain just needs to shut down right now. My body does too. Too much is going on and i feel overloaded. Time to zone out hopefully

F***ing Dreams

What the heck was up with last night? My dreams were so fucked up. Like just super messed up and when i woke up they were messing with my head in a bad way. I was angry, terrified, sad.....like what the hell.
(Yes there as more then one dream..)
First dream: I remember mostly bits and pieces but i know i was in a store, I think it was Home Depot. The store was pitch black and the only time you could see anything was when these random flashes of light happened. I remember i was at a desk talking to customers and these people came in and said they could turn the place around. Then suddenly i was in like Tahiti and the store was a bright tiki bar kinda place. I was suddenly outside and taking pictures of the view/landscape and as a walked around this building i came upon Deric and we started talking. Somehow we got on the conversation of our phone plan etc and he was like i don't wan to have to change my number again! I was looking at him funny when he said that and he was like what? When Ronni was on my phone plan, i had to change my number when we took her off. I was flabbergasted and was like wtf? Then i looked at him and said, did you sleep with her? He was silent for awhile after that and slowly was like kinda but i don't count it. I was suddenly like WTF?!?!?! He was like yeah......and wouldn't say anything else. I had to practically yell at him to tell me what the hell had happened. He was like fine, we were at a con and she was dressed as a mecca and you know we had sex but then this guy came around and started hitting me blah blah blah. In my dream i pictured this happening it was terrible and i woke up shaking my head and being like no no no no no. I was angry and frustrated and concerned and it fucked with my head.

Second dream: Now the main part of this dream i don't remember but i know that in my dream something made me wake up so i woke up.....or i thought i did. I woke up to my dark room. I looked around and saw my closet was open a little and i didn't remember going to bed with it open so i went to turn on my bedside lamp but i couldn't reach it and when i looked back my closet was opened more. I panicked and tried to turn on the lamp and it wouldn't turn on so i grabbed it and tried to force it to work all the while the closet would open more and more every time i looked at it. I was so scared because whatever was doing that was BAD. Like pure terror was pouring out of me. Then i woke up in a panic and missed my light to turn it on then finally grabbed it and turned it on and my closet was fine but i was scared and i wasn't sure why that scared me so much. But fucking dream inception there like holy fuck. I thought i woke up from my dream but i actually woke up into another dream. Like shit thats so fucked up.......

It was a bad night and I'm still feeling the fucked upness in my mind from those dreams.

BOOM

Thunder and lighting. Tis my night. I wish i had a man here to cuddle with. But he's at work. I like cuddling during thunderstorms. Sigh, I love him very much and i hope tomorrow or the week or whatever is gonna happen happens and everything goes well and all ends happily. I really hope it does.

Who Is This Stupid?

I don't understand why I always end up in situations like this. I mean, really? Does life hate me or something? Ok, so tonight we had a party at Tyler's before everyone moved back to college. Gabbi was there and just had to bring this girl named Ariel who used to go to shores because she knew how to handle Gabbi's issues....which is another story entirely but i will not get into that because that's annoying on its own. Anyway, we are sitting in a circle and people are just up here and there doing whatever and I was talking to Andrea but she got up so I'm just sitting there waiting for her to come back and suddenly Ariel starts talking to me about how we both dated Matt. I was like umm...ok. Then she went on about how he was an ass hole and she didn't even realize they were dating until they went to a party together and everyone kept saying how she was dating him etc. It was like a two month relationship blah blah blah she went on for awhile while i was sitting there like ok why are you telling me this. Then Gabbi started talking about how Matt had tried to hook up with her and Ariel said she basically dated him so he would leave Gabbi alone. I slowly started to get up and kinda walk away because i really didn't care to hear about her experience with him. Not what I came to Tyler's to hear. Then suddenly she was like well hey be happy, he must have really liked you because one of the last times we ere making out right before we broke up he called out your name. I was just staring at her like.....WTF WTF  WTF WTF WTF. I had to compose myself and be like oh well i can see why you broke up after that. Then i was like I'm getting cold i'm gonna get my coat and i walked inside with a what the hell just happened look on my face. Now, this whole shabang was an eye opener. I understand  that that relationship hurt me, I've known this for awhile. I hurt inside emotionally and mentally from it. I have basically healed from that all. Obviously from time to time i still feel insecure about things but i have healed. Deric has been there and helped me to see my for me. He showed me my beauty for what it was. He loves me for what i am and what i look like and just for me being me. What i did not realize was how much that relationship must have messed that dumb ass up. From what Ariel said and from the fact that he is now dating his 3rd Kaylee. I feel like i really screwed up the guy...which in my book is perfectly ok. Definitely deserving of it. But seriously. Who tells someone that kind of thing? She acted like i still cared and would be overjoyed by what she told me. Like hell i would be. All i was thinking was how fucked up that was and how weird and just stupid she was. My night was weird in a way i would have preferred not to have experienced.

Possibly

The world seems to be slowly crumbling. Not much can be done about it either. There is one ray of hope though which we will find out about tomorrow. I hope this works out. I really really do.

New Things

Ladidada. I'm happy right now. Nervous. But happy. That's because Deric's birthday is tomorrow. My nerves are slowly creeping up but i am doing my best to make sure i know that everything is going to be just fine and that there is really nothing to worry about.

I mean hell, I know Deric loves me. He tells me, he compliments me, he is just wonderful. And you know, there are times when i can see it in his eyes. When he looks at me he has this cute wonderful awed look in his eyes that makes me feel so wonderful.
We are a we and something that we will be doing with each other is going through new experiences. This birthday is one of them. A new experience a new part of life that in another year i will be part of but for right now i just have to get used to Deric being a part of it. New things sometimes scare me because i don't know what to expect. I don't like not knowing things. But hey, if we are going to be us and get through anything, we both...mostly me...have to get through new things. I am learning and i am glad that Deric is willing to learn with me and help me through this stuff. Shows that he really cares about me. I love him so much and I know it is a few hours early but Happy Birthday my love. I know it'll be the most interesting one yet and I am glad i can be there with you.

Ow

Ehhhh....my boobs hurt :( I need a boob massage right now.