Something Special

So, I cant even begin to describe how special tonight was or how much you mean to me. I never ever thought i would see that, never in a million years could i even begin to describe. It was, I'm tongue tied for words right now. Something special is all i can really put it as. This week is a hell week, on top of a massive AP Lang homework load, on top of a research project, on top of starting my new job...in other words this week is one hell of a stressful week. Yet, I just learned and saw something tonight that i cant even begin to put into words how they made me feel. I learned that my future will be with the most amazing guy ever, someone who treats me like i am the most amazing thing in the world every single day, someone who misses me when i leave even if we have only been apart for a few hours, someone who will do anything just to be with me and see me for a few minutes, someone who loves me more than anything in the entire world and isn't afraid to show it every time i am with him, someone who wants everything to be perfect for as long as we live, and finally, someone who i want to be with forever and who wants that just the same. Deric, I love you more than i can even put into words. Never have I felt this way about someone. Every time we are together it just feels so right and everything in my body says it is right and that you will be by my side forever. And this makes me more happy than you will ever know. I love you and i forever and always will. This may seem a little cliche, but i love you so much that it almost feels like my heart will burst.
I am not the most devout christian in this world, but what more can i say? Thank you God for Deric, for everything you have done between us. You made everything happen for a reason and the reasons may all not be 100% clear, but some are and i thank you for them. Thank you for having my subconscious be aware of everything that it needed to be, and thank you for letting it know what was right in the end. Thank you so so much.
Now on to the last chunk of what i said. I wont say exactly what because i don't know who all reads this blog, but for that reason all i can say is this, I never expected that...I never ever did. But it showed so so much, just how much i meant to you, and that alone meant so much. Tonight was something that will remain in my head for a long long time. It was just that special. To end this post i will say this and this alone: I have found the man of my dreams, i can now stop searching and be forever happy. I love you Deric. <3 <3 <3

What We "Know" And What We Really Know

Why is it that people try to start things or ruin things with information that they think they know. I mean, if you really really want to start something make sure your info is 100% accurate so that what you are saying doesn't come back and bite you in the butt. Also, if you are really trying to end something, again make sure your information is right. This goes mainly for the people who are REALLY supposed to know EVERYTHING about someone, and then you get a message that is the biggest and fattest lie on earth, and they believe every word of it. It seems so silly to me personally. Mainly for the fact that it is the stupidest thing ever and it kind pisses me off because this is where rumors get started and this is where peoples lives get fucked up. It has happened to me countless times and it has happened to other people i care about as well. Its just stupid crap like this that kinda makes me want to punch people. Sigh...

Eyes

Eyes are said to be the door to our souls, and i believe it. This is so because even when we are trying to fake our emotions or try to hide them...our eyes can give it all away every single time. And even when we are not trying to hide anything at all, our eyes give away the intensity of what we are feeling and they can show us if what we are talking about is something that we truly care about. This really just popped into my mind because i saw this today. I truly saw what "I love you" looks like through the minds eye (Or just the eyes whichever works). But, all i can say is that it was the most heartwarming look in the world. It was kind, loving, gentle, it was everything amazing about love wrapped into one. It was, an unforgettable look, and a look that showed me how much i was truly loved.

Happy Happy Happy!!!

So I just got a call from Frosty Oasis, and i got the job!!! Even though i just felt like i wasn't going to get it, i did!!! Now I'm nervous because the guy did say that if i didn't get the hang of it fast enough they would let me go, i mean they do this for anyone who doesn't get it fast enough, but I'm really nervous now. But besides being nervous I'm soooooo happy!! I actually have a real job now, not the random odd jobs here and there like im doing for spring break, yeah, my spring break consists of working random jobs, getting payed VERY well yes, but it isnt something i can rely on. Babysitting and yard work doesnt cut it. But now I can actually start saving up for things and ill actually have a little bit of money. Im just happy to have a job. Now me and Deric will be dinner and dessert. :D

The Subconscious Know All

Its kinda funny, our subconscious is something that seems to know everything. It knows what is best for us and it knows exactly what we should do. It even tells us these things, though, the way it tells us is in a way that isn't as direct as we would want. It tends to tell us in dreams. And as we all know, dreams are things that are up for interpretation and at times can mean just about anything. But besides those dreams it also has those that mean a specific thing, you just have to realize that meaning. For me, i can say that i have had many of these dreams. Some more recent then others, but they all have meant the same thing, even when i least expected it. One dream in particular was one that i had had years ago, and this was when i was still dating my ex and it wasn't that far into the relationship. I had this dream that i was in a bed with some other guy, i saw his body but never saw his face. I had this dream a couple of times. This was my brain saying that i wasn't meant to be with who i was with at the time. Why do i know this? Because the body i saw, the person i had dreamt about, well it was Deric. How do i know this? Well once i saw Deric in his swim trunks, it became very clear that the body i saw was his. Second dream i can say that pertains to this, there was this clock. It had the little hand on the 3 and the big hand was going between the 1 and the 3, the thing is, it would go forward, but then jump back and it couldn't go forward. What this dream was was hard to understand at first, but then it became very clear. It was telling me that who i was with was bad for me because in that relationship i couldn't move forward, it only kept bringing me back, moving on with my life wasn't going to happen unless i got out of that relationship immediately. Which i did after that because i wasn't going to ignore something that huge. If my brain knew enough was enough, then it was. And thirdly, this dream is one that I'm not going to really describe, mainly for the reason that it is kinda personal and it really showed what my heart wants. But in this dream, Deric was there and we were talking, just talking and then he gave me a list of things and then suddenly at the end of this list he said something that even made my dream me have to do a double take. Even my subconscious me did a double take because it was such a big thing and it surprised even my subconscious mind, the mind that put it into the dream! But, i can say that this dream was pretty dead on, because i have had things like it before, accept they haven't exactly been in a dream. Sitting in Deric's car once and again we were just talking and i looked at him, looked away, but when i looked back I didn't see Deric how he is now, i saw him about 10 years older. I saw other things, but those are just for me to know, but i can say that it was in the backseat. But it was just strangely reassuring and...nice. Seeing him like that, it almost said hey, you'll still be doing this in about 10 years so don't worry about a thing, he will still be there and you'll both love each other just as much as you do now. Its just, our subconscious is something that i think people take for granite. It is definitely worth listening to because it is usually 100% spot on. But before i end this post, i do want to say that I love Deric very very much. He is for sure the best thing that has ever happened to me. He always makes me happy and he is happy to just be with me. He misses me when I'm gone, and i miss him just as much. Its so easy to talk to him and he understands most everything i have to say and he actually listens to me. He comforts me when I'm sad and tries to make it better. Plus, hes willing to sacrifice things to just be with me and when he cant see me as often, he tries to take every second that he can to see me. Also, he tells me how much he loves me every time we are together and this means sooo much to me, why? Well when you love someone as much as I love him, its amazing to know that the feeling is mutual and that he loves you just as much back. Deric is such an amazing guy and I love him so much, so very much.

Why So Hard?

So, this doesnt pertain to me, but its just something i have been wondering that pertains to a lot of other people. Why is love such a difficult thing? I cant say i havent done any of this before, but for one, why is it that when people see their relationships crumbling, they continue to try and make it work? All it does is hurt the people in the relationships, and it gets you now where. Second, why is it that when people break up becuase they arent working out and it was an unhealthy relationship to begin with, why is it that they want to get back together with the other? Usually it is only one or the other that wants this, not usually both from what i have experienced, but why do this to yourself? All it does is hurt you and it for sure doesnt help with getting over the person you just left. Thirdly, why is it that people give others hope by doing things they shouldnt even when they know that for sure they dont want to ever be with them again? Fourth, why is it that people think that doing sexual things with people will help ease the pain? It never ever does, so why do they still do it? And lastly, why get into a relationship that you know wont ever last or rush things to much so that the relationship ends as ubruptly as it started? These all just kinda make me wonder because all of the people that i know have done one of these and as i said before i have done a few as well. But why cant people just understand that doing these things never works? Will we ever learn?

What Life Has To Bring

I don't really have a specific thing to really talk about, but i just kinda have a lot of random things on my mind right now i guess. One is my family, more specifically...my sister. She has been nothing but a living hell, not to be mean or anything, but i really have nothing nice to say. Try living with someone who will absolutely NOT listen to you or anyone for that matter. Someone who is a total drama queen...but times that by like 50 and you get my sister. Something small turns into a massive meltdown that ends up with her screaming and bitching and crying about who knows what, and then having my mother yelling at her on top of that. Also, this prevents our home from EVER being quiet. Yeah, try living someplace that is never ever quiet, ever. The only time it ever is is if you are home alone, or if its just me and my dad and sometimes my brother. But other then that, it never is. We never have a quiet night either, why? Because my mom and sister are usually yelling at each other. It just so...frustrating, irritating, and just down right angering. I just want a quiet home that is peacful and enjoyable to be at with people that i enjoy being around. And my mom wonders why i spend so much time away from home. Sigh, its frustrating. Lets see, the second thing, right now i think its just the fact that im STILL jobless and im at that point to where i really want one, i had an interview and all..but im not getting my hopes up. I just feel like i wont get it, which will suck butt, but what can i do. It is kinda depressing me a crap ton and idk, ive just been feeling lonely lately. All of my friends are gone for spring break, i mean like ALL of them, and i am the only one left here. On top of that Deric works all week so im stuck alone, barely getting to see him, or anyone for that matter, and im all by myself. Stuck at home with my family, that as you can see....i really dont want to be around. I just, im not in the best of moods right now because i want to really enjoy myself, but that cant really happen. Im just frustrated and confused and really lonely. :/