Rocky Road

I don't even know what to put here right now. I feel like there is so much to say and yet so little. I mean, lately I've been feeling like a crazy person. I've been feeling insane to the point that i almost feel like i need some serious help. I'm not me right now. My emotions are going hay wire. I can't control them well at all anymore. Anxiety has been plaguing me. I will be fine and all of a sudden my stomach feels like it dropped and i feel sick. It can happen so fast and for no reason. Little things bother me WAY more than they should. Deric and I....well....we are arguing and bickering and i keep getting angry and upset and he keeps getting angry at me and frustrated. And the worst part of it all...it is all my fault. I am just messed up right now. I'm overreacting to like everything. I feel like if it weren't for me we wouldn't be like this with each other. Deric thinks it's because of his smoking, some arguments yeah, but that doesn't account for all of them. I realize that in your eyes I am some amazing person that is worth being with through the ugly spouts like this one....but in my eyes I am just one fucked up individual who doesn't feel like anyone should take the time to heal her wounds and scars and problems in general. I'm hurting so much right now knowing that I'm like this and I'm putting that much more stress on you. I wish i could fix myself. I wish we could just be us again. I love you dearly and no matter what I always will. I want you in my life for as long as i can have you on this Earth. I just, I think we need to spend time together right now. I mean as much time as possible. Maybe to the point that it makes you sick of seeing me. We need to figure out us and how to make us, well, us again. I'm sorry I'm messing it up. But i think we need to just cuddle with each other and tell each other loving beautiful things. I just want you right now and i need you to want me. We need to figure this out together.