Well, my paradise a day ago has kinda been flipped upside down. I can tell you about what my paradise was because i still want this paradise. I honestly want to get this out some place and be rather blunt with it because when ever it is said i get laughed at. Which is probably due to my age, but I'm almost 18, I'm graduating in a year, and I'm soon to be in the real world...which until recently is starting to kinda scare me. So on to my paradise that was slightly altered. Well, I'm going to be embarrassed if Deric ever reads this but i need to get this out.
Paradise:
Well, some of the conversations that me and Deric have been having lately have made me really happy. I have actually found someone who wants what i want. They aren't afraid to talk about what the future can hold and what they want. I want to be with Deric as long as i can be, forever preferably. True love is what i have found...and i don't have to kiss 22 guys to know that for sure. Deric, I love you. I don't even know how to put it into words. The way you treat me is amazing. When you call just to say I love you, you make me feel like the luckiest girl n the world. In the future, i cant believe I'm saying this on here, but like i would love to marry you. Please don't judge....i really do love you. Also, to have a family with you would be amazing. It really would. We'd have cute kids. From what we have talked about and what you say...you seem to want the same thing, and this makes me happy. You aren't afraid to talk about the future and what you want, and you don't get upset when i talk about it. Also...I hope to god that you don't ever leave me. As cliche as it sounds, if we were ever to get married..please don't divorce me. It honestly scares me. Even if it were to be while we are just dating...it would kill me. Something else...i know you would never do this to me..but please don't ever cheat on me. Please oh please. I don't have a very good mentality to ever deal with that. I love you how you are right now, everything about you...and i always will. I don't think i could ever stop loving you. Please don't laugh at what i have just admitted...it took some guts to put this on here.
Now to where paradise got altered. Well...not the thought of it but how my life is going to change a bit:
My dad has made up his mind and the next time that it happens it is going to be a for sure thing. And its starting to scare me. How will we pay for anything? How will i get anywhere? How will my senior year go because of this? How is it going to affect my siblings? I don't want to have to move...but we may have to. Into what i don't know. I don't think my mom makes enough to pay for an apartment and a family. And the thing is...only me and my dad know whats going to go down. So no one knows how their world is going to come crashing down yet. My poor mom...she has no idea. I want to warn her, to tell her what needs to happen or this will. BUT I CANT! you know how frustrating that is?! I also feel responsible about it too. Why the fuck did i have to say those things about how my mother is to my dad? I could have kept it to myself and maybe this wouldn't be happening. I don't really know but what i do know is that this is honestly killing me inside and i need someone. Now this is where my thinking got altered. After this happens, everyone on my dads side with had done this. No one stayed together...so this makes me wonder if when i get married if me and my husband will stay together. A lot of what ifs come into my mind and it sucks. Then i see Deric and in my mind i am pleading desperately that he wont leave me. Then i get afraid of what the future could hold because what is about to happen could happen to me in 20 years and I'm scared. So this is where my paradise gets a little changed.
Life is about to change and i don't know if I'm ready for it.
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