Sometimes I Wonder

Lately i haven't really been feeling like myself and i don't know why. A lot of worries that i used to have are coming back slowly....like how i look, a certain body image thing, the future, what he thinks of me, etc. And all of this is making me feel quite down, uninterested in things i most definitely should be interested in, and almost a little angry. Kinda like how my project i have been working on for awhile now to give to Deric for our one year, i was supper excited to give it to him...now I'm actually starting to freak out about it cause I'm wondering if t is a little much and I'm wondering if hell even like it. Also, all my past hurts, aches, and pains from my previous relationship are starting to again hit me. I was getting over them pretty well and now suddenly its like my walls just failed me. And my brain is starting to over exaggerate things. Like what it does for little arguments, its doing it with my relationship now. And this one thought is starting to haunt me again, "You're going to be the one to mess it up, you are going to be the one who destroys this great thing that you have." The only reason this thought is even there is because with my ex i thought it....and the way he said things, i WAS the one who was messing everything up. But i obviously know now that he was an ass and that is sooooooooo far from the truth. But still, it haunts me. I hate when i get like this and all i really want to do is cuddle with Deric and just tell him everything that I'm feeling, but i think I'm going to get embarrassed if i do because its rather stupid and hell think I'm a lunatic and possibly emotionally unstable which i don't want. Mainly for the fact that his ex was, and i don't ever want to be compared to her, ever. Shes the one person in life i can honestly say i hate because of the hurt she caused Deric. My rant could go on, but ill end it with the fact that i don't know what to do really. Sigh