I honestly have no clue why have faith in humanity anymore....that or why i keep believing peoples bullshit lies. Its happening AGAIN. My whole mom and dad thing. But I'm guessing like the last few times, my mom was unaware of it all, as she is now. My last post is about how they were having a big argument about a loan thing my dad took out of his 401k, well I'm guessing for him that was a last straw type thing again because he asked me the question again. Or at least gave me a few options to think about. One is to go live with him someplace and not have to worry about getting yelled at or being stressed out and i can come and go as i please, and the other is if that is so...and I'm thinking now to but I'm unsure...is that he will buy me a good car and pay part of the insurance on it and the repairs for it when it would need them. As hes telling me these things i am biting my lip so hard and just screaming no not again in my head and trying to to cry. I cant do this right now, i cant. I cant be thinking about what if my parents get a divorce and who would i live with etc. I cant make that decision because if i chose to live with him it would kill my mother and as much as she annoys me and i want to kill her sometimes i cant do that to her. But then i cant say i live with my mom because that would kill my dad...which i also cant do. If it were to happen....i honestly would probably move in with someone who wasn't either of them because i cant choose between them. But now i have this knowledge in my head again about what my dad is really thinking and i know that my mother doesn't know anything about it.....but i cant tell her. It just gets to sit in my head and eat me alive. But guess what...I'm trying to do well in school and graduate with a good grade and GPA...trying for a bronze cord actually...and I'm trying to balance this job and excel in it.....and now i have to try and deal with this. Again. The last time was supposed to be THE LAST TIME. That was a complete and utter lie. And i know that I'm not supposed to think this, but this time, i feel as though it is somewhat my fault because this dumb loan was for me.....so because of me and my need for a car....this is all happening again. I know i shouldn't think this, i know ill get crap from people for thinking it because it definitely is not my fault, but i cant help it. I'm starting to feel numb again.
I am so thankful that i have Deric, he is the only one who helps me through this stuff. I know that i can always count on him and that he wont hurt me like this. Today with him was so nice, it was wonderful. I let him sleep for awhile because i had a half day and i got there early. Then we cuddled and talked and he just kept saying "I love you" and "I love you so much." Those words are some of the most amazing to hear and it made me so happy. I am so thankful for him and everything that he does for me and the way he treats me. I love him more than anything in the world.
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